1 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:02,353 ♪ We are family 2 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,232 ♪ I got all my sisters with me 3 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,194 ♪ We are family 4 00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,282 ♪ Get up, everybody, and sing 5 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,327 ♪ We are family 6 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,373 ♪ I got all my sisters with me 7 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:26,294 ♪ We are family 8 00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:30,631 ♪ Get up, everybody, and sing 9 00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:03,247 ♪ We are family 10 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,251 ♪ I got all my sisters with me 11 00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:11,422 ♪ We are family 12 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,259 ♪ Get up, everybody, and sing 13 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:19,388 ♪ We are family 14 00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,142 ♪ I got all my sisters with me 15 00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:29,190 Agador, where is Starina? She goes on in five minutes. 16 00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:31,484 ♪ Get up, everybody, and sing 17 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,990 ♪ Everyone can see we're together 18 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,244 ♪ As we walk on by 19 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,748 ♪ And we fly just like birds of a feather 20 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:49,085 ♪ I won't tell no lie 21 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:54,340 ♪ All of the people around us they say 22 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,634 ♪ Can they be that close? 23 00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:00,304 ♪ Let me state for the record 24 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,809 ♪ We're giving love in a family dose 25 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:42,555 Armand. 26 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:46,726 The Kennedys are here for supper. Do we pick up their tab? 27 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:49,979 - Ted? - No. Just the younger ones. 28 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:53,399 Wish we could get Ted. Give them free coffee. 29 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,405 Leave room for coffee. 30 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:05,411 Where's Starina? 31 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,080 Agador said she'd be down in five. 32 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,626 ♪ We are family 33 00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,671 ♪ Get up, everybody, and sing 34 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,051 ♪ We are family ♪ 35 00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:32,980 Okay, let's go. 36 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,317 You look great. 37 00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:51,165 Starina won't go on. She's a-still in her robe. 38 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,333 Damn! 39 00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:54,543 I don't know what happened. 40 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:58,297 Go upstairs. Try to get her ready. I'll be right up. Go! 41 00:04:58,465 --> 00:04:59,507 She won't. 42 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:04,053 Merde! Have Carmen get ready to do Starina's number, just in case. 43 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:12,395 Honey, please. You got to get dressed for me. 44 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,646 No, Agador. 45 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:18,275 Victoria Page will not dance the Dance of the Red Shoes tonight. 46 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:19,443 Or any other night. 47 00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,904 How 'bout just your stockings, okay? 48 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,864 Victoria Page is dead. 49 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,617 But watch how nice I'm gonna put it for you. 50 00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:27,868 You know how she died? 51 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:30,997 Alone... weeping for her lover. 52 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,583 Darling, have you eaten? You look haggard. 53 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,878 Please! You gotta help me a little. 54 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,089 - What is this? - Supplements. 55 00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:43,300 I bought them for Armand, but... 56 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,845 that's all over now. 57 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:48,264 Okay. 58 00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:57,773 Albert! 59 00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:02,278 Where are you? Albert, come on! 60 00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,572 - Open up, Albert, baby. - Get out! 61 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:07,241 - Open it, Albert! - Go away! 62 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:10,077 I don't want him to see me. I'm hideous! 63 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,168 Fuck! 64 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,588 - I'm calling 911! - Agador, abre la puerta! 65 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,634 - Open the door! - I'm trying, but he's so crazy. 66 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:26,802 Albert! 67 00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:30,931 Are you trying to ruin me? 68 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,309 Don't look at me. I'm hideous! 69 00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:36,312 Hideous! Fat and hideous! 70 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,355 Agador, I'm in such pain. 71 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,400 I know, honey. It's gonna pass. 72 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,278 No! It will never pass. I hate my life. 73 00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:47,531 Are you crazy? It's packed out there! 74 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:50,493 That's all I am to you - a meal ticket. 75 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,745 - I can't stand this. - Forget about my feelings. 76 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:56,832 Forget about my suffering. It's just about your show. 77 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,460 Not even our show. Your show. 78 00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:02,129 I want a palimony agreement, now. 79 00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:05,299 I don't have one on me. Is tomorrow okay? 80 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,802 - Don't use that tone to me. - What tone? 81 00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:12,640 That sarcastic tone that implies you know everything because you're a man, 82 00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:14,350 and I know nothing because I'm a woman. 83 00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:17,561 - You're not a woman. - Oh, you bastard! 84 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:21,190 Everybody, take it easy. 85 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,818 Whatever I am, he made me. 86 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,655 I was adorable once, young and full of hope. 87 00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:31,117 Now, look at me. I'm this short, 88 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:35,246 fat, insecure, middle-aged thing! 89 00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,789 I made you short? 90 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,919 What do I do? The number is nearly over. 91 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,546 Do I send Carmen on for Starina? 92 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,216 We have no choice. Yes. 93 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,593 Not Carmen! How dare you? 94 00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,679 - Do it! - No! No! 95 00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:53,097 - Cyril, go. - Please. 96 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,726 I will go on. The people have come to see Starina. 97 00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,521 Starina will not disappoint them, even in this state. 98 00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:05,484 Put on the mambo number. Have Beatrice and Dante get the staircase ready. 99 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:07,945 - My hands are shaking. - That's okay. 100 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,281 Agador, I need some Pirin tablets. 101 00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,491 - What are you taking? - Nothing. 102 00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:15,703 Just one, okay? One before the show, 103 00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:18,747 and one after. No more, so don't ask. 104 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:21,667 Thank you, my darling Agador. 105 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,502 I'm gonna put this here for you. 106 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,671 Breathe. Ignore the bad things. 107 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:30,342 This room is so crowded. Can I have a moment to myself to prepare? 108 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,386 Let's leave her. Come on. 109 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:43,314 Why are you giving him drugs? What the hell are Pirin tablets? 110 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:46,525 Aspirin, with the "A" and "S" scraped off. 111 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,361 - What a brilliant idea. - I know. 112 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:54,867 I don't believe it! You're shaving your chest now? 113 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,203 I didn't have time to wax. 114 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:02,374 Indifference is the most awful thing in the world. 115 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:07,087 I've done everything I could to make myself attractive for you. 116 00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:11,634 I've lost and gained over a hundred pounds in the last year. 117 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:17,932 I've yo-yoed from a 16 to a 10 to a 16, and... 118 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,642 you've never said a word. 119 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:24,146 Not one hint of encouragement, not one scrap of validation. 120 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,901 If not for the Pirin tablets, I couldn't go on. 121 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,779 If you don't finish making up, I'll kill myself. 122 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,658 You don't love me anymore. 123 00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:37,368 Oh, shit. 124 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,662 - There's a man in your life. - What? 125 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:40,829 I sense it. 126 00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:44,041 And I saw a bottle of white wine, 127 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,502 chilling in the refrigerator. 128 00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,963 I only drink red. 129 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,422 And so do you. 130 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,553 There's no man. 131 00:09:56,721 --> 00:10:00,057 I'm switching to white because red has tannins. 132 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:05,145 Now there are 150 people out there, half of them Kennedys, waiting for you. 133 00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:09,024 Waiting to applaud you. To applaud the great Starina. 134 00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,901 Tannins?! 135 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:14,029 - What do you do while I'm on stage? - Nothing. I lie here. 136 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:19,243 Where do you go while I'm killing myself on stage? I know that look. 137 00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,912 Go ahead, hit me. Go on. 138 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,873 That's what you want to do. Do it. Hit me. 139 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,875 Go on, hit me. 140 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:31,005 ♪ La virgen lloraba 141 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:38,429 ♪ La virgen lloraba ♪ 142 00:10:56,781 --> 00:11:00,326 Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, 143 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,412 the incomparable Starina. 144 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:46,663 Thank you and welcome to The Birdcage. 145 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:51,251 As you see, I've just gotten back from safari. I picked up a new muff. 146 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,006 Look, it comes with accessories. 147 00:11:57,842 --> 00:12:00,552 Don't look at me like that. I didn't kill him. 148 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,721 He died and left me everything. 149 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,727 Where are the couple celebrating their anniversary? 150 00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:11,939 Mon congrats, you sweeties. 151 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:18,195 I may have something to celebrate myself very soon. 152 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:21,490 I think I have found the one. 153 00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:24,201 Yes. 154 00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:29,039 You know I hate to brag, but... 155 00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:32,418 ♪ I knew this grocery clerk 156 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,921 ♪ Unprepossessing 157 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,507 ♪ Some think the boy's a jerk... 158 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:00,195 Excuse me. 159 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,991 Hello. What do you think? 160 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,494 You look like Lucy's stunt double. 161 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,997 I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky. 162 00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:13,542 And it's terrifying. Get out the white wine, 163 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,920 chill two glasses and take the night off. 164 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,674 Why you talk to me like I'm your servant? 165 00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:23,010 Because you're our faithful houseman. 166 00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:26,054 My father was the shaman of his tribe, 167 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,599 my mother was the high priestess. 168 00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,392 Then why did they move to New Jersey? 169 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,605 I don't know. They so stupid. They want me to have a career. 170 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:39,234 Hello? A career? When you gonna let me audition for you again? 171 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,361 When you have talent. 172 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,614 Now take off the wig or I'll tell Albert you wore it. 173 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:47,993 You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing someone while he's on stage. 174 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,371 I have two words for you: Green Card. 175 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,583 Now go! And leave the front door unlocked. 176 00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:57,544 You're such a beast to everybody. 177 00:13:58,421 --> 00:13:59,838 Come on, Gloria. 178 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:35,624 Hey. 179 00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:46,885 You keep getting better looking. 180 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,845 Thank you. So do you. 181 00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:51,139 Oh, no. Really? 182 00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,226 I feel bloated. 183 00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:58,730 - You think I look good? - You look great. 184 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,315 That's very sweet. 185 00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:05,737 I'm glad you cut your hair. 186 00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:09,700 - Did you eat? - Yes. 187 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:10,909 Something to drink? 188 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:14,997 - Beer, if you have it. - I do not. Talk about bloat. 189 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,165 White wine. 190 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:18,792 Swell. 191 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,504 - How long has Albert been on? - He just went on. 192 00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,592 I gave Agador the night off. 193 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,471 So we're all alone. 194 00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:32,889 As requested. 195 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,727 Since when do you like beer? 196 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:40,814 So, I have something to tell you. 197 00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:44,151 But I don't want you to get how you get. 198 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:45,736 Oh, God. 199 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,531 I'm getting married. 200 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,830 I didn't want to tell you over the phone. 201 00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,791 It's a girl. I met her at school. 202 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:03,920 It's this wonderful... Are you upset? 203 00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,547 Let me tell you why. 204 00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,550 First, you're only 20. 205 00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,969 Pop, I know I'm young. 206 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:16,558 But... you've always said I was a very level-headed guy. And I am. 207 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:21,188 I have job offers, I know what I want. And I have an incredible role model. 208 00:16:21,356 --> 00:16:22,522 - Oh, please. - It's true. 209 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:25,400 I'm the only guy in my fraternity who isn't from a broken home. 210 00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,861 Stop flattering me. It's cheap. 211 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:34,326 Is it all right, Dad? 212 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,203 Does it matter? 213 00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:38,455 Of course it does. 214 00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:41,833 Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming. 215 00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:45,087 I can't. And I won't. 216 00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:46,838 This is too crazy. 217 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,676 You do this, you're on your own. Got that, sport? 218 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,720 Don't come back, don't ask me for anything. 219 00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:55,639 - I want nothing to do with it. - Okay. 220 00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,391 - If that's how you feel. - I do. 221 00:16:57,558 --> 00:17:00,936 - Fine. Goodbye, Pop. - Goodbye, son. 222 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,692 - You called my bluff. - It was good. 223 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:07,943 - Really? - Not bad. 224 00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,611 I got backed off on a little bit. 225 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,822 Tell me it's all right. 226 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:18,412 It's all right. I always dreamed you would. Just not so soon. 227 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:22,082 Come on. Drop your bags, stay a while. 228 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:28,422 Let's drink a toast to this catastrophe. 229 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:29,589 I'm kidding. 230 00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,843 It's all right. 231 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,137 What's the young lady's name? 232 00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:36,596 Barbara. 233 00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,765 Are you crazy? Forget it. 234 00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:40,851 Married? You're not even 18! 235 00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:43,687 Who is this boy, Barbie? When did you last see him? 236 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:48,608 Don't call me Barbie. Today at two. We've been sleeping together for a year. 237 00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:51,570 Oh, God! Has he been tested? 238 00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,364 - Oh, Kevin! - Yes, and so have I. 239 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:59,453 This has to wait until after the election. 240 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:04,666 Where does the young man come from, Barbie... ra? Who is his father? 241 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:10,714 His father is in the arts. He's on the Council of Cultural Arts. 242 00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:12,466 Did they fund the Mapplethorpe exhibit? 243 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:17,262 No! Goodness, no. He's a cultural attaché to Greece. 244 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,930 Really? 245 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,724 What the hell is that? 246 00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:26,813 That's kind of a diplomatic post. It's a sort of an ambassador. 247 00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,982 What does the mother do? 248 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,400 She's a housewife. 249 00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:33,361 That's so refreshing, isn't it, Kevin? 250 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,030 I can't talk about this now. 251 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:39,409 - Hello. - You all right? 252 00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:42,871 Yes. I just told them. 253 00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,290 Me, too. And my father is 254 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:50,003 very excited. He's raising his glass to toast us right now. 255 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:53,173 I'm going to put him on. Yes. Take it. 256 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,176 - You said his parents were in Greece. - Dad, get off the phone! 257 00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:57,511 Take it. 258 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,055 Hello, Barbara. 259 00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:01,765 Here's to your future. 260 00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:05,185 Shit! No, dear, that was not my toast. 261 00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,479 I broke my glass. I'm sorry. 262 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,064 That's okay. 263 00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:12,442 It was nice talking to you. We'll talk again soon. 264 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,361 How dare you eavesdrop?! 265 00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:16,780 - You said his parents were in Greece. - They are. 266 00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:22,160 You saw this boy at two o'clock today and now he's in Greece with his parents? 267 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,954 No. 268 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:26,998 Greece? 269 00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:30,627 They're back for the winter. 270 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,255 They're at their home in South Beach. 271 00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,798 Is that like Palm Beach? 272 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:39,511 It's close. It's about two minutes from where Jeb Bush lives. 273 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,347 Really? 274 00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:02,534 - Wait. - Who is he? 275 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,120 Who? Where's your little chippie? 276 00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:08,373 Will you stop screaming? It's Val. 277 00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:10,417 Val? 278 00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:13,962 He's asleep in his room if you don't believe me. 279 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,216 Why didn't you tell me? 280 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:19,968 Surprise. 281 00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:04,971 - Mornin', Albert. - Good morning! 282 00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:10,185 What beautiful flowers! 283 00:21:10,353 --> 00:21:13,355 - Morning, Albert. - Good morning. 284 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:19,361 We have nice, fresh lobster this morning, Albert. 285 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:24,366 No, thank you, Mr. Lopez. Not today. The piglet is home. 286 00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:27,202 You want the cake delivered? 287 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:32,123 Yes, please. And remember to write "To my Piglet, from his Auntie" on it. 288 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,291 You got it. 289 00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:37,545 Thank you, Mr. Boynton. I want to get back before he wakes up. 290 00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:40,006 I'll just try this sample. 291 00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:41,841 Chocolate schnecken. 292 00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:47,138 A triumph. Well, bye-bye. 293 00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:53,353 Perhaps one more schnecken. Do you mind? When the schnecken beckons... 294 00:21:55,606 --> 00:21:57,232 - Good morning. - Not yet. 295 00:22:01,362 --> 00:22:02,821 What is this, sludge? 296 00:22:02,989 --> 00:22:05,865 Yes. I thought it would make a nice change from coffee. 297 00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:10,412 Why don't you tell me Val was coming, you bad man? 298 00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:13,206 I would not have been so sassy to you. 299 00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:15,417 Will you put some clothes on? 300 00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,919 Why don't you let me be in the show? 301 00:22:18,087 --> 00:22:20,755 Are you afraid of my Guatemalanness? 302 00:22:20,923 --> 00:22:21,923 Your what? 303 00:22:22,091 --> 00:22:24,467 My Guatemalanness. My natural heat. 304 00:22:24,635 --> 00:22:26,386 You're afraid I'm too primitive 305 00:22:26,554 --> 00:22:30,098 to perform with your little estrogen Rockettes. 306 00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:32,475 You're right. I'm afraid of your heat. 307 00:22:32,643 --> 00:22:33,768 Here I am. 308 00:22:33,936 --> 00:22:36,604 The bag lady. Good morning, Agador. 309 00:22:38,107 --> 00:22:41,151 Wash those, will you? They're delivering the rest around noon. 310 00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:42,694 Good morning. 311 00:22:43,529 --> 00:22:44,946 My God, that beard! 312 00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:48,324 - Here you go. - Thank you, dear. 313 00:22:52,163 --> 00:22:54,372 Turkish coffee. Delicious. 314 00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:55,582 See? 315 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,751 Is Val still asleep? 316 00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:02,338 He must be exhausted, poor baby. You should have told me he was coming. 317 00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:06,134 I'm so ashamed of how I acted. But how could I know? 318 00:23:07,136 --> 00:23:11,765 The truth is, you hate sharing your son with me. You're always pushing me away. 319 00:23:11,932 --> 00:23:17,520 Will you look at this shirt? It's a rag! 320 00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:21,733 No matter how many shirts I send him, he only wears this one. 321 00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:24,277 You look awful. What's wrong? 322 00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:25,779 Val's getting married. 323 00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:28,865 Don't be silly. I got pork roast for dinner. 324 00:23:29,033 --> 00:23:32,952 I wanted to get fillet mignons, but they're so expensive. 325 00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:35,747 What do you mean, married? 326 00:23:35,915 --> 00:23:37,415 You know what I mean. 327 00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:41,211 - I don't understand. - Yes, you do. 328 00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:45,423 To some girl he met at school. 329 00:23:45,591 --> 00:23:48,843 Oh, no! Oh, but... 330 00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:53,306 He's just a baby. He'll ruin his life! 331 00:23:53,474 --> 00:23:56,059 We've been all through that, okay? 332 00:23:56,227 --> 00:24:00,939 He's getting married, no matter what we say. The less said, the better. 333 00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:02,565 Oh, my God. 334 00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:07,362 I woke up feeling so good. 335 00:24:09,073 --> 00:24:11,199 Now, all of a sudden, I feel... 336 00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:13,159 so funny. 337 00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:16,788 Just breathe. Let it go. 338 00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:18,331 You've heard. 339 00:24:18,499 --> 00:24:23,545 Oh, Vallie! Oh, my God, this is such a shock. 340 00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:26,172 I'm not saying anything. I promised your father. 341 00:24:27,758 --> 00:24:30,927 But at 20, if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut, 342 00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:35,473 you'll be sorry the rest of your life. There! Enough said. Subject closed. 343 00:24:35,641 --> 00:24:36,683 Hey, hey! 344 00:24:37,393 --> 00:24:40,520 Well, don't just stand there. Give me a kiss! 345 00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:43,356 Or are you too grown-up for that now? 346 00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:45,567 Hello, Albie. 347 00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:52,407 Oh, Armand, our baby is going to leave us. And we won't have any others. 348 00:24:52,575 --> 00:24:54,450 Not without a miracle. 349 00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:59,831 When Senator Keeley and I founded the Coalition for Moral Order, 350 00:24:59,999 --> 00:25:04,085 it was to express moral, rather than political, views. 351 00:25:04,253 --> 00:25:07,046 What Senator Jackson is trying to say is that 352 00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:09,132 morality is political. 353 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:12,343 Abortion, same-sex marriage... 354 00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,179 It's a wonderful show. 355 00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:16,848 The most intelligent one on television. 356 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:18,308 Pornography would not exist 357 00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:21,603 if politicians didn't make laws to protect them. 358 00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:24,981 That's why both houses are now Republican. 359 00:25:27,484 --> 00:25:28,776 It's the perfect platform. 360 00:25:28,944 --> 00:25:34,240 I'm glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon instead of Dole. Dole is just too... 361 00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:35,533 Dark. 362 00:25:35,701 --> 00:25:38,244 I was going to say liberal, but he's dark, too. 363 00:25:38,412 --> 00:25:40,121 I gotta fire this woman. 364 00:25:40,289 --> 00:25:42,999 This young man Barbie wants to marry... 365 00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:45,084 Miss Porter, page two, 366 00:25:45,252 --> 00:25:48,129 paragraph two, it's "porno," not "pronto." 367 00:25:48,297 --> 00:25:53,301 I wonder if he's old money. I mean, a cultural attaché. 368 00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:57,472 Your campaign manager is calling. He says he's got to talk to you. 369 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,307 Thank you, Bridget. 370 00:26:09,735 --> 00:26:10,944 Hello, Ben. 371 00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:14,030 Ready for what? 372 00:26:15,699 --> 00:26:16,741 What? 373 00:26:16,909 --> 00:26:18,326 What's wrong, Kevin? 374 00:26:18,619 --> 00:26:19,869 Jackson's dead. 375 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,246 Oh, my God. 376 00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:23,706 He died in bed? Whose bed? 377 00:26:24,625 --> 00:26:26,167 A prostitute? 378 00:26:27,211 --> 00:26:29,545 A minor? And black? 379 00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:35,093 I don't believe this. I don't fucking believe this! I'm ruined! 380 00:26:35,261 --> 00:26:40,765 You cannot be held responsible for Senator Jackson's private life. 381 00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:43,893 I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order. 382 00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:47,939 My co-founder just died in the bed of an underage black whore! 383 00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:50,525 Wait until the media finds out! 384 00:26:50,693 --> 00:26:51,734 Bridget! 385 00:26:52,778 --> 00:26:54,737 I could really use some candy! 386 00:26:54,905 --> 00:26:56,406 You want one of these? 387 00:26:56,573 --> 00:26:57,740 Oh, this. 388 00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:01,661 My baby. 389 00:27:01,829 --> 00:27:05,581 ♪ Why does it seem 390 00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:10,128 ♪ So real to me? 391 00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:15,174 Albert, you're driving me crazy. 392 00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:17,593 I know, but... 393 00:27:20,764 --> 00:27:23,599 Penmanship award. 394 00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:27,854 There's the bar mitzvah. 395 00:27:29,982 --> 00:27:33,192 Time passes so quickly. 396 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:38,114 Well, he looked kind of funny, but he was smiling, so I didn't worry. 397 00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:40,366 How do they get them on so quickly? 398 00:27:40,534 --> 00:27:42,660 They pay. 399 00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:44,704 They're not mentioning you much. 400 00:27:45,372 --> 00:27:47,081 It's early. 401 00:27:47,249 --> 00:27:50,918 Senator Jackson's last words tonight on Inside Edition. 402 00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:54,255 Can you get a good shot of the house? 403 00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:57,633 We may not make the live shot. If we must, I'll do a stand-up. 404 00:27:57,801 --> 00:27:59,093 "He looked kind of funny..." 405 00:27:59,261 --> 00:28:02,013 "...but he was smiling, so I didn't worry." 406 00:28:03,307 --> 00:28:07,185 Yeah, we got a good spot. I don't know if he's going to... Excuse me. 407 00:28:07,353 --> 00:28:12,607 Why don't you set up there? Figure you'll get part of the house and me... 408 00:28:13,150 --> 00:28:14,650 I don't know if he'll come out. 409 00:28:18,739 --> 00:28:20,323 Where's Dad? 410 00:28:21,116 --> 00:28:25,161 He snuck out to meet with his advisors. They wouldn't come here. 411 00:28:25,329 --> 00:28:28,039 I shouldn't have let him go. How will he get back in? 412 00:28:29,917 --> 00:28:30,958 Mom? 413 00:28:33,587 --> 00:28:38,257 Mom, I have something to tell you about Val's parents. 414 00:28:38,842 --> 00:28:40,968 They can't blame us for this. 415 00:28:41,178 --> 00:28:44,555 Eli Jackson was a common redneck. We never saw him socially. 416 00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:48,810 They can understand that, can't they? Thank goodness they're not snobs. 417 00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:01,739 What are you doing here? 418 00:29:01,949 --> 00:29:05,076 I came through the orchard, over the barn. 419 00:29:05,577 --> 00:29:07,328 You could have fallen. 420 00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:11,749 I did! I'm a wreck. This thing is all anyone can talk about. 421 00:29:12,876 --> 00:29:15,920 Kevin? There may be a solution. 422 00:29:16,088 --> 00:29:19,090 What, death? It didn't work for Jackson. 423 00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:24,095 What about a wedding? A big, white wedding. 424 00:29:24,263 --> 00:29:27,306 What wedding? Who's getting married? 425 00:29:27,474 --> 00:29:28,808 No, no! 426 00:29:28,976 --> 00:29:32,311 Why not? It would restore your image. 427 00:29:32,479 --> 00:29:38,276 A wedding is hope. And a white wedding is family and morality and tradition. 428 00:29:38,444 --> 00:29:40,570 And it would be such a special marriage. 429 00:29:41,613 --> 00:29:46,325 The son of a cultural attaché, a sort of a diplomat, really, 430 00:29:46,493 --> 00:29:49,704 who doesn't look down on us because of Senator Jackson, 431 00:29:49,872 --> 00:29:54,667 willingly joining our family. It'd mean the cover of People, Time and Newsweek. 432 00:29:54,835 --> 00:29:58,254 Love and optimism versus cynicism and sex! 433 00:29:58,422 --> 00:30:03,217 It would be an affirmation! We could get the Pope's blessing. It's not hard. 434 00:30:03,385 --> 00:30:08,556 No, he's too controversial. What about Billy Graham? 435 00:30:08,724 --> 00:30:09,807 No, he's too liberal. 436 00:30:09,975 --> 00:30:11,184 Where's the candy? 437 00:30:11,351 --> 00:30:12,768 You've had enough candy. 438 00:30:13,228 --> 00:30:15,980 This boy - what's his father's name? 439 00:30:16,148 --> 00:30:18,566 Armand... Coleman. 440 00:30:18,734 --> 00:30:22,487 I wonder if they're related to Tish and Bobo Coleman. 441 00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:24,697 - Are they from Boston? - I don't think so. 442 00:30:24,865 --> 00:30:28,493 I think we should go to South Beach. We should have dinner... 443 00:30:31,205 --> 00:30:33,789 We'll have dinner with them and stay with the Bushes. 444 00:30:33,957 --> 00:30:39,504 Mr. And Mrs. Armand Coleman of Greece and South Beach. 445 00:30:57,356 --> 00:31:02,652 ♪ What is this dream I see? 446 00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:06,697 ♪ Why does it seem so real 447 00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,908 ♪ To me? 448 00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:13,621 ♪ What if this dream turns out to be 449 00:31:13,789 --> 00:31:16,999 ♪ More than a dream? 450 00:31:17,626 --> 00:31:20,294 Fairy dust, fairy dust, fairy dust. 451 00:31:22,923 --> 00:31:26,676 ♪ Come, little dream and play 452 00:31:28,303 --> 00:31:30,263 ♪ Don't be afraid 453 00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:33,516 ♪ Don't fade away 454 00:31:33,684 --> 00:31:36,060 ♪ Quick, little dream 455 00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:38,980 ♪ Before you're gone 456 00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:42,441 ♪ Let's get it on 457 00:31:43,235 --> 00:31:44,402 ♪ You... 458 00:31:44,570 --> 00:31:46,529 I saw that. 459 00:31:46,697 --> 00:31:49,490 Well, this is impossible. Either I'm an artist 460 00:31:49,658 --> 00:31:53,327 or I'm just some cheap drag queen trying to get laughs. 461 00:31:53,495 --> 00:31:54,787 Let's just get through it. 462 00:31:54,955 --> 00:31:58,124 I have to understand every nuance of a song. 463 00:31:58,292 --> 00:32:02,837 I have to give my all. Everyone else can just "get through it." He's chewing gum. 464 00:32:03,088 --> 00:32:04,547 Chewing gum helps me think. 465 00:32:04,715 --> 00:32:06,716 Sweetie, you're wasting your gum. 466 00:32:06,883 --> 00:32:09,802 Let's keep going. And no more talking - from anyone. 467 00:32:09,970 --> 00:32:11,387 - I need to talk to you. - Sit. 468 00:32:11,555 --> 00:32:14,265 - It's important. - Quiet. He's rehearsing. 469 00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:17,518 ♪ And I the dreamer 470 00:32:17,686 --> 00:32:21,105 ♪ Each night anew 471 00:32:23,108 --> 00:32:25,776 ♪ Tell me, my dream 472 00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:28,321 ♪ Are you a dreamer, too? 473 00:32:28,488 --> 00:32:29,739 What is it? 474 00:32:29,906 --> 00:32:33,993 - Can you come upstairs with me? - No. Not right now. 475 00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:40,499 Did you see what he just did? Hello, Vallie, darling. 476 00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:44,086 - What did he do? - He blew a bubble. 477 00:32:44,254 --> 00:32:46,339 He can't do that while I'm singing! 478 00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:48,341 Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, 479 00:32:48,508 --> 00:32:52,511 but it still has be a good drag show. If possible, a great one. 480 00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:54,040 Just because you're 22 and hung... 481 00:32:54,139 --> 00:32:55,348 I'll do this, Albert. 482 00:32:55,515 --> 00:32:57,558 - You're the director. - Thank you. 483 00:32:58,393 --> 00:33:01,395 This is a complex number, full of mythic themes. 484 00:33:01,563 --> 00:33:04,023 The woman who is singing invented you. 485 00:33:04,191 --> 00:33:07,193 You are her fantasy. Suddenly, 486 00:33:07,361 --> 00:33:12,490 you, the fantasy, see her, your inventor, and she becomes your fantasy. 487 00:33:13,909 --> 00:33:16,702 - I don't get it. - Try more gum. 488 00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:18,120 - Albert. - I hear you. 489 00:33:18,288 --> 00:33:20,039 Thank you. I know you do. 490 00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:24,293 Celsius, let's start with the premise 491 00:33:24,461 --> 00:33:27,838 that when you see this stunning, smoldering creature, 492 00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:31,759 she transcends your desire to chew. She electrifies you! 493 00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:35,471 Something starts in your pelvis and goes to your heart, 494 00:33:35,639 --> 00:33:38,307 where it becomes heart/pelvis. 495 00:33:38,475 --> 00:33:40,810 - Pop? - Yes? Coming! 496 00:33:40,977 --> 00:33:43,062 What do I do? Stand here like an object? 497 00:33:43,230 --> 00:33:46,065 No. You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! 498 00:33:46,233 --> 00:33:50,820 You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! Or Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! 499 00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:56,117 Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! 500 00:33:56,284 --> 00:33:59,578 Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna! But you keep it all inside. 501 00:34:00,497 --> 00:34:04,208 Work on that. I'll be right back. It's looking wonderful. 502 00:34:05,252 --> 00:34:06,613 Barbara's coming with her parents. 503 00:34:06,753 --> 00:34:08,671 - When? - Tomorrow. 504 00:34:08,839 --> 00:34:10,506 That's plenty of time. 505 00:34:10,674 --> 00:34:13,426 There's more. There's a lot more. 506 00:34:17,848 --> 00:34:18,889 Wine? 507 00:34:19,182 --> 00:34:22,810 No. Let's hear it. I have to get back to rehearsal. 508 00:34:26,815 --> 00:34:31,277 Dad, Barbara's father is a senator, a conservative senator. 509 00:34:31,445 --> 00:34:35,197 He's running for re-election. And she told him... 510 00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:41,412 you're the cultural attaché to Greece and Albert is a housewife. 511 00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:43,122 What? 512 00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:47,793 She had to. He founded the Coalition for Moral Order. 513 00:34:47,961 --> 00:34:51,005 I don't care who he is. I don't want to be someone else. 514 00:34:51,173 --> 00:34:52,715 Do you want me to be? 515 00:34:52,883 --> 00:34:56,635 No, no. Of course not. And neither does she. But... 516 00:34:58,305 --> 00:34:59,847 Dad, he's Kevin Keeley. 517 00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:01,849 Who's Kevin Keeley? 518 00:35:02,768 --> 00:35:04,059 Do you ever read the newspapers? 519 00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:08,731 Of course. Variety, the Arts and Leisure section of the Times... 520 00:35:08,899 --> 00:35:11,984 What don't I know? Are you marrying some Nazi? 521 00:35:12,152 --> 00:35:16,113 No. He's conservative, like half of America is conservative. 522 00:35:16,281 --> 00:35:18,491 And I'm marrying her, not him. 523 00:35:18,658 --> 00:35:21,035 - I need your help. - Not for this. 524 00:35:21,203 --> 00:35:25,164 - You've done it before. - Lied about who I am? Never. 525 00:35:25,332 --> 00:35:27,792 When I started Edison Park, remember what you said? 526 00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:29,043 No. 527 00:35:29,211 --> 00:35:33,088 You said if Miss Donovan asked, I should say you were a businessman. 528 00:35:34,424 --> 00:35:37,009 You were a baby, and she was a small-minded idiot. 529 00:35:37,177 --> 00:35:38,803 I didn't want you to get hurt. 530 00:35:39,721 --> 00:35:42,097 It's different now. You're a man. 531 00:35:42,265 --> 00:35:43,766 I can still get hurt. 532 00:35:45,352 --> 00:35:49,146 It would mean everything to me if you would help us. 533 00:35:49,314 --> 00:35:51,440 It's just for one night. 534 00:35:52,484 --> 00:35:56,529 This is insane. What do I do, close the club 535 00:35:56,696 --> 00:36:00,157 so I can pretend to be a cultural attaché, whatever that is? 536 00:36:00,325 --> 00:36:04,495 And what about Albert? How do you make Albert into a housewife? 537 00:36:04,663 --> 00:36:06,455 Well, you'd have to send him away. 538 00:36:06,623 --> 00:36:08,749 Are you nuts? You try sending Albert away. 539 00:36:08,917 --> 00:36:13,671 We'd never get him past the Keeleys. Dad, we have to rid of a few things. 540 00:36:13,839 --> 00:36:15,714 What things? 541 00:36:15,882 --> 00:36:18,843 Well, that, for example. 542 00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:21,053 Neptune? That's a classic. 543 00:36:22,597 --> 00:36:24,098 And this. 544 00:36:24,266 --> 00:36:26,058 The Kirby? That's art! 545 00:36:26,226 --> 00:36:28,394 And how about that? 546 00:36:35,443 --> 00:36:36,652 That better? 547 00:36:47,497 --> 00:36:50,249 Look, it's not just one or two things, okay? 548 00:36:50,417 --> 00:36:52,668 It's everything. 549 00:36:53,587 --> 00:36:56,422 We're gonna have to tone this down a little. 550 00:36:56,590 --> 00:36:59,216 Just make it a bit more like other people's homes. 551 00:36:59,384 --> 00:37:04,805 I see. So we need a total redecoration, so we can be more like other people. 552 00:37:05,515 --> 00:37:08,434 And you're going to have to try to, 553 00:37:08,602 --> 00:37:12,187 you know, change your mannerisms a little. 554 00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:15,941 - What are you saying? - Just be a little less obvious. 555 00:37:16,109 --> 00:37:17,359 I'm obvious? 556 00:37:18,403 --> 00:37:19,612 Pop... 557 00:37:30,415 --> 00:37:32,958 I just had the walls sponge-painted, Val. 558 00:37:35,337 --> 00:37:39,673 You better come downstairs. She's trying to take his gum away. 559 00:37:42,052 --> 00:37:43,469 I'll be right down. 560 00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:51,894 Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. 561 00:37:52,062 --> 00:37:54,438 Yes, I'm a middle-aged fag. 562 00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:58,400 But I know who I am, Val. It took me 20 years to get here. 563 00:37:58,568 --> 00:38:01,612 I won't let some idiot senator destroy that. 564 00:38:01,780 --> 00:38:04,865 Fuck the Senator. I don't give a damn what he thinks. 565 00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:15,413 We're still outside the home of Senator Kevin Keeley, 566 00:38:15,460 --> 00:38:17,795 co-founder of the Coalition... 567 00:38:18,755 --> 00:38:22,883 waiting for Senator Jackson's colleague, Senator Kevin Keeley. 568 00:38:23,051 --> 00:38:26,553 At this point, we don't know if the Senator is at home... 569 00:38:26,721 --> 00:38:30,975 Earlier reports placed him at the home of Senator Robert Dole. 570 00:38:32,435 --> 00:38:34,687 We're here at what they're calling Camp Keeley, 571 00:38:34,854 --> 00:38:37,481 waiting for the Senator to appear. 572 00:38:37,649 --> 00:38:40,901 The Senator was co-founder of the Coalition for Moral Order 573 00:38:41,069 --> 00:38:43,070 with Senator Eli Jackson. 574 00:38:43,238 --> 00:38:46,407 The Senator has been besieged here, outside his palatial estate... 575 00:38:47,742 --> 00:38:53,247 by a virtual army of media, waiting for his comment on the events of late. 576 00:38:59,504 --> 00:39:01,171 Where you driving him? 577 00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:04,133 South Beach, Florida. 578 00:39:09,014 --> 00:39:13,017 There have been a lot of tasteless jokes going around 579 00:39:13,184 --> 00:39:16,020 about the death of Senator Jackson. 580 00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:17,771 And here's another one. 581 00:39:17,939 --> 00:39:19,898 Join Jay on The Tonight Show 582 00:39:20,066 --> 00:39:22,818 with guests Yassir Arafat and Kate Moss. 583 00:39:22,986 --> 00:39:24,486 This is unbearable. 584 00:39:35,123 --> 00:39:37,207 Kevin, no! 585 00:39:37,375 --> 00:39:40,419 I'm going down the ladder. I can't face the press. 586 00:39:40,587 --> 00:39:43,672 Have the chauffeur pick me up by the orchard. 587 00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,924 No! I don't want to go out there alone! 588 00:39:46,092 --> 00:39:49,887 Barbara will be with you. It's not you they're after. 589 00:39:51,306 --> 00:39:52,347 Daddy! 590 00:39:52,515 --> 00:39:55,267 Shush! I'm going the back way. 591 00:39:55,435 --> 00:39:59,229 What about your announcing Barbara's wedding to the Coleman boy? 592 00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:02,232 Wait till we meet them. What if they change their mind? 593 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:05,069 Let go of my coat. I'll meet you in the car. 594 00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:16,288 - He's leaving his home. - Senator Keeley! 595 00:40:16,456 --> 00:40:19,124 Senator, will this cost you votes? 596 00:40:19,292 --> 00:40:21,168 What's the future of the Coalition? 597 00:40:23,379 --> 00:40:26,131 What about the rumors Senator Jackson was on lithium? 598 00:40:26,299 --> 00:40:29,593 Gentlemen... and ladies, 599 00:40:29,761 --> 00:40:32,304 I am, as are all my colleagues, 600 00:40:32,472 --> 00:40:37,810 Republican and Democrat, liberal and conservative alike, 601 00:40:37,977 --> 00:40:40,938 stunned and saddened by the circumstances surrounding 602 00:40:41,106 --> 00:40:45,859 the death of Senator Jackson, as well as the death itself. 603 00:40:47,570 --> 00:40:49,822 My family and I are leaving town for a few days, 604 00:40:49,989 --> 00:40:53,575 for reasons that I cannot... 605 00:40:53,743 --> 00:40:56,161 to plan an event. 606 00:40:56,329 --> 00:41:00,415 An event which I cannot... 607 00:41:01,084 --> 00:41:03,252 which may perhaps heal some of the... 608 00:41:03,419 --> 00:41:06,755 bad things, that... 609 00:41:06,923 --> 00:41:11,593 Senator Jackson's demise has made us all... feel. 610 00:41:11,761 --> 00:41:14,221 Where are you going, Senator? 611 00:41:14,389 --> 00:41:18,934 Where? To our farm. That's all I'm going to say at this time. 612 00:41:19,102 --> 00:41:22,938 - Did you know the girl? - Where is the farm? 613 00:42:15,658 --> 00:42:18,827 Agador? Goddamn it. 614 00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:20,495 What did I do? 615 00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:24,875 We're redoing the apartment for tomorrow night. Goddamn it. 616 00:42:25,043 --> 00:42:27,878 This is for the in-laws, right? 617 00:42:28,046 --> 00:42:32,424 Right. We gotta get rid of everything that's over the top. 618 00:42:33,676 --> 00:42:34,718 That's a lot. 619 00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:38,764 You'll have to get a uniform and dress like a butler. 620 00:42:38,932 --> 00:42:41,225 No. I'm gonna look like a fag. 621 00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:44,394 But you'll look like a fag in a uniform. 622 00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:45,771 Don't ask, don't tell. 623 00:42:45,939 --> 00:42:49,107 Start tomorrow morning. I'll get Albert out early. 624 00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:50,776 Where will I get a uniform? 625 00:42:50,944 --> 00:42:53,612 I'll say, "Albert, you must go away for a few days." 626 00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:55,697 - Ay, Dio. - It'll be hard. 627 00:42:55,865 --> 00:42:58,367 I got so much to do. 628 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:00,160 Pop. 629 00:43:02,247 --> 00:43:04,039 Thank you. 630 00:43:04,207 --> 00:43:08,460 Do me a favor, Val. Don't talk to me for a while. 631 00:43:23,309 --> 00:43:25,644 Kevin, please, let's charter a plane. 632 00:43:25,812 --> 00:43:31,233 No. We can't get out of the car. Once we get out of the car, we'll be spotted. 633 00:43:52,130 --> 00:43:54,006 How I love the sun. 634 00:43:54,173 --> 00:43:56,341 Yes, it's glorious, isn't it? 635 00:43:56,509 --> 00:44:01,847 You know, you could use some more sun. Take a few days off. You look tired. 636 00:44:02,432 --> 00:44:04,558 What do you mean? 637 00:44:04,726 --> 00:44:06,018 Nothing. 638 00:44:18,865 --> 00:44:21,116 Don't kill yourselves. 639 00:44:21,284 --> 00:44:22,617 Who put Playboy in the bathroom? 640 00:44:22,785 --> 00:44:24,703 It's what they read. 641 00:44:26,289 --> 00:44:28,582 Don't add. Just subtract. 642 00:44:28,750 --> 00:44:32,919 Please hurry. This place has to look respectable by six. 643 00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:34,838 Cyril, that's too short. 644 00:44:35,006 --> 00:44:38,133 I want that nice Armani break in the front. 645 00:44:39,552 --> 00:44:44,181 But don't just pull it. Do it down there. I got highwaters here. 646 00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:47,184 That's it. 647 00:44:47,352 --> 00:44:51,355 - But you must have meant something. - I meant you looked tired. 648 00:44:51,522 --> 00:44:54,900 Tired means old. "You look tired" means "you look old." 649 00:44:55,068 --> 00:44:56,985 "You look rested" means you had collagen. 650 00:44:57,153 --> 00:45:00,155 You look wonderful. Let's go window shopping. 651 00:45:00,323 --> 00:45:02,074 No, I want to go home. 652 00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:05,577 On a day like this? I'll buy you anything you want. 653 00:45:05,745 --> 00:45:08,497 Anything? I'll have to change my shoes. 654 00:45:08,664 --> 00:45:10,123 - I'll buy you some. - I need peds. 655 00:45:10,291 --> 00:45:13,251 - I'll buy you sandals. - Armand! What's going on? 656 00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:18,423 - Why can't we go home? - Nothing. Nothing. 657 00:45:18,591 --> 00:45:19,883 Then I'll see you upstairs. 658 00:45:21,886 --> 00:45:22,928 What?! 659 00:45:23,471 --> 00:45:25,639 - I hurt my thing. - Your what? 660 00:45:25,807 --> 00:45:29,643 My ankle. I don't think I can make it upstairs. 661 00:45:29,811 --> 00:45:32,104 - I'll bring down some ice. - No, no! 662 00:45:32,271 --> 00:45:35,482 Why not?! My arm! 663 00:45:35,650 --> 00:45:38,568 My arm. I hate it when you get hysterical. 664 00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:39,945 Don't leave me! 665 00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:44,658 What is that? 666 00:45:45,618 --> 00:45:48,578 I got it from the antique store next door. Too butch? 667 00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:50,956 Don't add. 668 00:45:51,124 --> 00:45:53,291 Albert, you're blocking my way. 669 00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:55,419 Put the moose on the patio. 670 00:45:57,255 --> 00:46:00,298 Don't be such a baby. Be careful! 671 00:46:00,466 --> 00:46:03,093 - I can't move any faster. - Lean on me. 672 00:46:03,261 --> 00:46:04,386 I need a doctor. 673 00:46:04,887 --> 00:46:07,222 Don't be silly. It isn't even swollen. 674 00:46:07,390 --> 00:46:09,724 We should go to the emergency room. 675 00:46:09,892 --> 00:46:14,521 You're overreacting. Don't be such a baby. Just sit down on... 676 00:46:18,192 --> 00:46:20,068 We've been robbed. 677 00:46:20,236 --> 00:46:24,781 Albie, no. I've just taken a few things out. 678 00:46:24,949 --> 00:46:27,117 They'll be returned by the time you're back. 679 00:46:27,285 --> 00:46:29,703 Back? 680 00:46:31,456 --> 00:46:32,789 Where am I going? 681 00:46:34,917 --> 00:46:39,379 - You didn't tell him. - What? Tell me what? 682 00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:45,677 Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents. 683 00:46:45,845 --> 00:46:46,887 We thought... 684 00:46:49,182 --> 00:46:51,641 We thought it would be better if you weren't here. 685 00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:01,943 I see. 686 00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:08,033 - I see. - It's just for tonight. 687 00:47:08,201 --> 00:47:10,452 I understand. Just while people are here. 688 00:47:11,204 --> 00:47:12,996 It's all right, my darling. 689 00:47:13,164 --> 00:47:16,750 It's nothing. It's painful... 690 00:47:17,877 --> 00:47:19,836 but it's not important. 691 00:47:21,756 --> 00:47:24,883 - I'm leaving. - It's just one night, Albert. 692 00:47:25,051 --> 00:47:26,301 The monster... 693 00:47:27,970 --> 00:47:30,722 the freak is leaving. 694 00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:34,309 You're safe. 695 00:47:44,153 --> 00:47:46,279 That went well. 696 00:47:49,909 --> 00:47:51,117 Albert! 697 00:47:53,496 --> 00:47:56,081 Albert! Will you listen? 698 00:47:56,249 --> 00:47:59,793 Go away. I hate you! I never want to see you again. 699 00:48:01,504 --> 00:48:04,339 My heart is breaking. 700 00:48:04,507 --> 00:48:06,967 Please don't cry. It's okay. You can stay. 701 00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,427 I won't stay where I'm not wanted. 702 00:48:09,595 --> 00:48:12,931 Where I can be thrown out on a whim without legal rights. 703 00:48:13,099 --> 00:48:14,558 I have the palimony papers. 704 00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:17,435 You're lying again. This is too much for me. 705 00:48:17,603 --> 00:48:20,105 Too much ugliness, too much pain. 706 00:48:21,566 --> 00:48:23,692 Feel my pulse. Am I all right? 707 00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:27,487 My goodness, it's very fast. Let's get you out of the sun. 708 00:48:38,874 --> 00:48:40,709 - Waiter! Water. - Right away. 709 00:48:40,876 --> 00:48:43,003 It's the end. I know it is. 710 00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:45,213 No, it isn't. Just breathe. 711 00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:47,966 Thank you, Rodrigo. And the usual. 712 00:48:48,134 --> 00:48:50,176 Right away, Señor Goldman. 713 00:48:50,553 --> 00:48:52,262 There you go. 714 00:48:52,430 --> 00:48:54,723 Thank you. That's better. 715 00:48:57,268 --> 00:49:01,104 This is not about you. The girl's parents are assholes. 716 00:49:01,272 --> 00:49:02,606 Val is crazy about you. 717 00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:04,899 Is he? That helps. 718 00:49:05,610 --> 00:49:07,694 You're so sweet. 719 00:49:09,071 --> 00:49:10,655 That water is so cool. 720 00:49:12,783 --> 00:49:17,287 Maybe it is a bit much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. 721 00:49:17,455 --> 00:49:20,373 Could you say I was a visiting relative? 722 00:49:20,541 --> 00:49:21,875 Val's uncle? Uncle Al? 723 00:49:22,043 --> 00:49:24,419 What's the point? To be Val's gay uncle? 724 00:49:24,587 --> 00:49:26,546 I could play it straight. 725 00:49:26,714 --> 00:49:29,424 Oh, please. Look at you, at how you hold your glass. 726 00:49:29,592 --> 00:49:31,968 Look at your pinky, your posture. 727 00:49:32,136 --> 00:49:37,223 What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. 728 00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:39,726 You've never been to a museum and you eat like a pig. 729 00:49:39,894 --> 00:49:44,814 These conservatives don't care if you're a pig, just if you're a fag. 730 00:49:51,947 --> 00:49:56,076 Oh, fuck 'em. Of course you can pass as an uncle. 731 00:49:56,243 --> 00:49:58,912 You're a great performer, I'm a great director. 732 00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:01,164 Together we can do anything. 733 00:50:01,332 --> 00:50:02,666 Oh, Armand. Really? 734 00:50:02,833 --> 00:50:05,752 Absolutely. We've got five hours. 735 00:50:05,920 --> 00:50:09,047 First, get your pinky down. It's up again. 736 00:50:10,091 --> 00:50:11,800 And your posture. 737 00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:15,345 My God! Are you crazy? What are you doing? 738 00:50:15,513 --> 00:50:18,973 Stop screaming! I'm teaching you to act like a man. 739 00:50:19,558 --> 00:50:21,643 All right, all right. 740 00:50:21,811 --> 00:50:25,146 It's a dinner party, let's work with food. 741 00:50:26,148 --> 00:50:28,650 Spread some mustard on the toast. 742 00:50:30,653 --> 00:50:34,322 Don't use the spoon. And don't dribble dots of mustard. 743 00:50:34,490 --> 00:50:36,157 You take your knife... 744 00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:40,245 and you smear. Men smear. 745 00:50:40,413 --> 00:50:42,622 Smear. Yeah. 746 00:50:45,918 --> 00:50:51,506 Get the goddamn pinky down! Make your fingers like iron. Stop trembling! 747 00:50:51,674 --> 00:50:54,217 Hold the knife boldly, with strength. 748 00:50:54,385 --> 00:50:56,594 Oh, God! I pierced the toast! 749 00:50:56,762 --> 00:51:01,599 So what? Just remember not to go to pieces when that happens. 750 00:51:01,767 --> 00:51:04,018 React like a man, calmly. 751 00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:09,149 You say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast. So what?" 752 00:51:09,316 --> 00:51:11,901 It's not the end of your life. 753 00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:15,697 "Albert, you pierced the toast. So what?" 754 00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,367 Of course. There's no need to get hysterical. 755 00:51:19,535 --> 00:51:22,579 All I have to remember is, I can always get more toast. 756 00:51:22,747 --> 00:51:25,206 That's the spirit. Let's try walking. 757 00:51:25,374 --> 00:51:29,127 - Holding the sandwich? - It doesn't matter. Just walk. 758 00:51:31,172 --> 00:51:32,213 Down! 759 00:51:55,863 --> 00:51:57,030 Too swishy? 760 00:51:59,241 --> 00:52:00,992 Let me give you an image. 761 00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:04,662 It's a cliché, but it's an image. John Wayne. 762 00:52:04,830 --> 00:52:07,624 Oh, God! Couldn't we start with someone easier? 763 00:52:07,792 --> 00:52:09,542 Come on. You're a big fan. 764 00:52:09,710 --> 00:52:11,628 He has a very distinctive walk. 765 00:52:11,837 --> 00:52:16,174 Very easy to imitate. And if anyone was a man... Now try it. 766 00:52:16,342 --> 00:52:20,094 Now just get off your horse and head into the saloon. 767 00:52:24,183 --> 00:52:25,225 Nice touch. 768 00:52:41,033 --> 00:52:42,784 Howdy, ma'am. 769 00:52:50,251 --> 00:52:51,334 No good? 770 00:52:52,670 --> 00:52:56,673 Actually, it's perfect. I never realized John Wayne walked like that. 771 00:53:13,858 --> 00:53:14,899 Hang on. 772 00:53:19,238 --> 00:53:21,364 This guy's a fucking maniac. 773 00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:24,826 What's in South Beach? 774 00:53:25,703 --> 00:53:29,789 Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so. 775 00:53:29,957 --> 00:53:31,416 How about those Dolphins? 776 00:53:33,544 --> 00:53:34,961 Screaming queen? 777 00:53:36,463 --> 00:53:40,633 The hand goes sideways, not palm down. I'm shaking it, not kissing it. 778 00:53:40,801 --> 00:53:41,968 Tighten your wrist. 779 00:53:42,136 --> 00:53:44,929 No, straighten it, then tighten it. 780 00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:48,266 Al, you old so-and-so. 781 00:53:48,434 --> 00:53:50,310 - I just said that. - Now I'm saying it. 782 00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:52,604 Okay. Straighten, tighten. 783 00:53:59,403 --> 00:54:04,157 Al, you old son of a bitch! How do you feel about that call today? 784 00:54:04,325 --> 00:54:09,454 The Dolphins, in the fourth on their 30-yard line with only 34 seconds to go. 785 00:54:09,622 --> 00:54:12,832 How do you think I feel? Betrayed. Bewildered. 786 00:54:14,209 --> 00:54:15,376 Wrong response? 787 00:54:16,503 --> 00:54:19,047 I'm not sure. Take it from the top. 788 00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:20,506 This is very exciting. 789 00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:23,426 - It is, fella. - Right on, amigo! 790 00:54:23,594 --> 00:54:24,969 - Damn straight. - Damn straight! 791 00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:28,848 - Fuckin' A! - Fuckin' A, right! 792 00:54:30,643 --> 00:54:33,186 Swing that by me again, little buddy. 793 00:54:33,354 --> 00:54:36,481 - I'm terribly sorry. - Take it easy. 794 00:54:36,649 --> 00:54:38,441 You take it easy, pilgrim. 795 00:54:38,609 --> 00:54:41,694 - He bumped into me. - Tough gazongas. 796 00:54:41,862 --> 00:54:43,363 Why are you being a prick? 797 00:54:43,530 --> 00:54:45,657 Why are you being an asshole? 798 00:54:50,496 --> 00:54:52,747 Are you calling me an asshole? 799 00:54:53,624 --> 00:54:56,334 Actually, I'm talking to the asshole behind you. 800 00:54:59,421 --> 00:55:03,174 See, the swelling's already gone down. It's nothing. 801 00:55:03,342 --> 00:55:07,470 You were magnificent, marvelous, very masculine. 802 00:55:07,638 --> 00:55:08,972 I'm so proud of you. 803 00:55:09,139 --> 00:55:11,766 That big gorilla looked ridiculous when he sat on you 804 00:55:11,934 --> 00:55:15,228 and banged your head on the ground. He didn't even know how to box! 805 00:55:15,771 --> 00:55:18,272 Thank you, Vallie. You're a dear. 806 00:55:19,692 --> 00:55:22,527 I'll get you some more ice. Be right back, love. 807 00:55:29,827 --> 00:55:34,247 Dad, could we hire a straight maid for tonight? 808 00:55:34,415 --> 00:55:36,958 There are no straight maids in South Beach. 809 00:55:38,460 --> 00:55:40,461 And I have more bad news for you. 810 00:55:40,629 --> 00:55:42,505 I told Albert he could stay. 811 00:55:44,425 --> 00:55:46,259 You did what? Why? 812 00:55:46,427 --> 00:55:49,679 Why? Because he told me his heart was breaking 813 00:55:49,847 --> 00:55:52,515 and he's my friend and companion. 814 00:55:53,058 --> 00:55:54,559 Who will we say he is? 815 00:55:54,727 --> 00:55:55,977 Your uncle. 816 00:55:56,145 --> 00:55:58,062 My uncle? 817 00:55:58,230 --> 00:56:00,523 Let's just forget the whole thing. 818 00:56:00,691 --> 00:56:04,819 Don't be so negative! Have a little hope! 819 00:56:04,987 --> 00:56:08,906 About what? Once they see you and Albert together... 820 00:56:09,616 --> 00:56:13,619 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was feeling so good, and now... 821 00:56:14,455 --> 00:56:16,247 God, what a mess. 822 00:56:16,415 --> 00:56:18,624 We need a woman. 823 00:56:18,792 --> 00:56:21,711 We can pass Albert off as an uncle if we have a woman as a mother. 824 00:56:21,879 --> 00:56:25,006 Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman... 825 00:56:26,300 --> 00:56:28,342 Why don't I ask your mother? 826 00:56:28,761 --> 00:56:31,721 My mother wouldn't do it. Would she? 827 00:56:31,889 --> 00:56:35,224 - How do we know? - 'Cause she hasn't seen me in 20 years. 828 00:56:35,392 --> 00:56:40,605 No. 20 years ago, she was a young girl, scared, broke. Now... 829 00:56:40,773 --> 00:56:42,899 You can't be serious! 830 00:56:44,068 --> 00:56:47,987 It's very unfair of you to try to talk Val into this. He has every reason... 831 00:56:48,155 --> 00:56:49,572 You think she'd do it? 832 00:56:51,658 --> 00:56:53,159 My mother? 833 00:56:54,870 --> 00:56:57,789 Oh, my God. Armand? 834 00:56:57,956 --> 00:57:01,834 I don't believe it. It's been 100 years. Where are you? 835 00:57:02,002 --> 00:57:04,045 I'll be there in five minutes. 836 00:57:04,213 --> 00:57:06,214 I can hardly wait. 837 00:57:06,381 --> 00:57:08,508 Me, too. Bye-bye. 838 00:57:10,427 --> 00:57:12,011 She's gonna see me. 839 00:57:13,263 --> 00:57:16,099 Why don't I drop you off at a café? 840 00:57:16,266 --> 00:57:20,520 No, I'll come up with you. I'm sure there's a waiting room. 841 00:57:33,826 --> 00:57:37,161 Hello. Katharine Archer, please. It's Armand Goldman. 842 00:57:37,329 --> 00:57:38,871 Go right in. 843 00:57:39,039 --> 00:57:40,665 Thank you. 844 00:57:44,962 --> 00:57:46,879 Just sit! 845 00:57:48,257 --> 00:57:49,423 Excuse us. 846 00:57:54,012 --> 00:57:55,471 Army Goldman. 847 00:57:55,639 --> 00:57:59,142 Katie Archer. Or is it Mrs. Something? 848 00:57:59,309 --> 00:58:02,937 No. I'm between husbands. Sit down. 849 00:58:04,648 --> 00:58:08,025 I've thought about you so many times. 850 00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:12,405 Whenever I saw an ad for The Birdcage. Are you still with Albert? 851 00:58:12,573 --> 00:58:14,407 Yes, we're still together. 852 00:58:14,575 --> 00:58:16,242 And you... 853 00:58:16,994 --> 00:58:18,703 you've done well. 854 00:58:18,871 --> 00:58:22,331 The money you gave me started this place. 855 00:58:22,576 --> 00:58:23,976 You should have gotten stock for it. 856 00:58:24,001 --> 00:58:26,752 I got Val for it. It was a fair trade. 857 00:58:27,754 --> 00:58:29,463 Is he? 858 00:58:30,757 --> 00:58:31,841 How is he? 859 00:58:32,009 --> 00:58:35,136 He's fine. He wants to get married. 860 00:58:35,304 --> 00:58:36,888 Married? How old is he? 861 00:58:37,055 --> 00:58:39,557 - 20. - 20? 862 00:58:41,268 --> 00:58:43,144 My God, 20 years. 863 00:58:43,312 --> 00:58:46,689 And today, for the first time, he really needs you. 864 00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:04,624 Shiny. 865 00:59:08,503 --> 00:59:11,756 Imelda, cancel my appointments for tonight. 866 00:59:17,596 --> 00:59:22,391 I normally drink vegetable juice during business hours, but for this... 867 00:59:22,559 --> 00:59:27,021 let's drink to Senator Keeley's daughter and our Val. 868 00:59:27,189 --> 00:59:30,274 I haven't done much for him in the last 20 years. 869 00:59:30,442 --> 00:59:32,610 Don't worry about that. 870 00:59:32,778 --> 00:59:34,237 I'm not exactly maternal. 871 00:59:34,404 --> 00:59:36,572 I am. 872 00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:39,283 I'm very maternal. 873 00:59:39,451 --> 00:59:41,661 And Albert's practically a breast. 874 00:59:50,003 --> 00:59:52,755 Do you remember the show where we met? 875 00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:54,423 Very well. 876 00:59:54,591 --> 00:59:57,301 ♪ Love is in the air 877 00:59:57,469 --> 00:59:58,469 ♪ Different kinds 878 00:59:58,637 --> 01:00:01,889 ♪ Quite clearly, people everywhere 879 01:00:02,057 --> 01:00:03,182 ♪ Out of their minds 880 01:00:03,350 --> 01:00:05,309 ♪ Act queerly... 881 01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:07,770 Wait, wait. 882 01:00:08,814 --> 01:00:11,232 ♪ Wives are at their husbands' service 883 01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:14,235 ♪ Virgins are distinctly nervous... 884 01:00:14,403 --> 01:00:17,738 ♪ Virgins are distinctly nervous 885 01:00:17,906 --> 01:00:22,159 ♪ Love is going around ♪ 886 01:00:24,538 --> 01:00:26,080 Aye, for the gypsy. 887 01:00:26,248 --> 01:00:27,623 How handsome you were. 888 01:00:27,791 --> 01:00:32,044 How unavailable, and what a body. 889 01:00:32,212 --> 01:00:34,005 You're embarrassing me. 890 01:00:34,172 --> 01:00:37,216 You were so terrified. It was so sweet. 891 01:00:37,384 --> 01:00:41,846 I nearly died. I walk into my room and there's a woman in my bed! 892 01:00:42,014 --> 01:00:44,473 I paid the doorman 20 dollars. 893 01:00:44,641 --> 01:00:46,517 20 dollars in those days. 894 01:00:46,685 --> 01:00:49,770 Oh, God. I thought, "What the hell?" 895 01:00:50,647 --> 01:00:54,358 "I'll try it once and see what those straight guys are raving about." 896 01:00:56,403 --> 01:00:58,779 - How long did we last? - I know exactly. 897 01:00:58,947 --> 01:01:01,699 From 2:30 till 3:45 a.m. Two times. 898 01:01:09,291 --> 01:01:11,834 - ♪ Love is in the air - ♪ Round and about 899 01:01:12,002 --> 01:01:14,837 ♪ This morning, bachelors beware 900 01:01:15,005 --> 01:01:17,423 - ♪ Maidens watch out - ♪ Fair warning 901 01:01:17,591 --> 01:01:21,761 ♪ If you start to feel a tingle and you like remaining single 902 01:01:21,928 --> 01:01:23,387 ♪ Stay... That's your part. 903 01:01:23,555 --> 01:01:25,723 ♪ Stay home Don't take a breath 904 01:01:25,891 --> 01:01:29,018 ♪ You could catch your death 905 01:01:29,186 --> 01:01:33,189 ♪ 'Cause love is around ♪ 906 01:01:39,821 --> 01:01:41,822 Sorry. 907 01:01:43,575 --> 01:01:47,370 You're in incredible shape. And you still can dance. 908 01:01:47,537 --> 01:01:49,830 So can you, Armand. 909 01:01:49,998 --> 01:01:51,874 Thank you. That's so cool. 910 01:01:52,042 --> 01:01:56,796 Where did all this hair come from? Wasn't your chest smooth? 911 01:01:56,963 --> 01:01:59,757 I shaved it for the show. I wanted to look young. 912 01:01:59,925 --> 01:02:03,219 It's much nicer this way, much more masculine. 913 01:02:03,387 --> 01:02:05,930 So much hair. 914 01:02:06,098 --> 01:02:07,973 Let me touch it. 915 01:02:08,141 --> 01:02:09,934 What a beautiful chain. 916 01:02:10,102 --> 01:02:14,313 Look how it glitters in that thick, black nest of hair. 917 01:02:14,481 --> 01:02:15,523 Unbutton your shirt. 918 01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:18,401 - Careful, it's silk. - Let me touch that chest. 919 01:02:18,568 --> 01:02:20,361 - You'll pull a thread. - Your beautiful, hairy chest. 920 01:02:20,529 --> 01:02:22,154 Excuse me... 921 01:02:22,322 --> 01:02:23,948 I'm sorry, I couldn't stop him. 922 01:02:24,116 --> 01:02:25,408 Albert? 923 01:03:03,071 --> 01:03:06,157 - Is Albert here? - No. 924 01:03:06,324 --> 01:03:09,910 Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour 925 01:03:10,078 --> 01:03:13,706 with the parking brake on. I had to take the bus. 926 01:03:18,670 --> 01:03:20,031 Are we crucifying someone tonight? 927 01:03:20,172 --> 01:03:23,382 You like it? I traded that stupid moose for it. 928 01:03:23,550 --> 01:03:27,344 And they threw in books. It all goes back tomorrow. 929 01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:29,346 Dad, is my mother coming? 930 01:03:29,514 --> 01:03:30,931 Yes, she's coming. 931 01:03:32,184 --> 01:03:33,893 Yes. Thank you. 932 01:03:34,519 --> 01:03:37,688 There. You see? It all worked out. 933 01:03:38,982 --> 01:03:40,983 I'm only here to get my toothbrush. 934 01:03:41,151 --> 01:03:44,487 Agador, will you? It's in the usual place. 935 01:03:48,241 --> 01:03:50,868 I would have loved to see your children. 936 01:03:51,453 --> 01:03:54,788 Why don't you hold the crucifix? It's the prop for martyrs. 937 01:03:57,626 --> 01:04:02,963 Oh, yes. Another gibe, another joke at my expense. 938 01:04:03,131 --> 01:04:05,883 You and Katharine were probably laughing at me, too. 939 01:04:06,051 --> 01:04:10,888 Well, why not? I'm not young. I'm not new 940 01:04:11,056 --> 01:04:13,724 and everyone laughs at me. 941 01:04:13,892 --> 01:04:16,727 I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. 942 01:04:17,270 --> 01:04:20,814 The only solution is to go where nobody is ridiculous, 943 01:04:20,982 --> 01:04:23,025 where everyone is equal. 944 01:04:24,653 --> 01:04:25,945 Goodbye, Armand. 945 01:04:26,112 --> 01:04:29,865 Wait, Miss Albert! Don't forget this. 946 01:04:30,033 --> 01:04:32,243 Listen, I don't want you to go. 947 01:04:32,911 --> 01:04:35,538 My poor, devoted Agador. 948 01:04:35,830 --> 01:04:39,458 I'm leaving you my stereo... 949 01:04:39,626 --> 01:04:41,460 - my red boots... - I don't want them. 950 01:04:41,628 --> 01:04:44,463 - And my wigs. - Which wigs? 951 01:04:44,631 --> 01:04:48,092 My best wigs. I won't need them where I'm going. 952 01:04:49,844 --> 01:04:51,220 Okay, I'll bite. 953 01:04:52,556 --> 01:04:53,931 Where are you going? 954 01:04:54,099 --> 01:04:56,183 To Los Copa. 955 01:04:56,351 --> 01:05:00,688 Los Copa? There isn't anything in Los Copa but a cemetery. 956 01:05:01,898 --> 01:05:04,900 I know. That's why I'm packing light. 957 01:05:05,068 --> 01:05:06,986 - A Dio. - I see. 958 01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:11,949 You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian. 959 01:05:14,286 --> 01:05:15,661 Goodbye, Armand. 960 01:05:15,829 --> 01:05:18,497 Miss Albert, wait! Don't! 961 01:05:20,875 --> 01:05:21,917 Shit! 962 01:05:22,419 --> 01:05:24,378 It'll be better without an uncle. 963 01:05:24,546 --> 01:05:27,131 What did you do to him? He goes to a cemetery! 964 01:05:27,299 --> 01:05:28,757 - Pull yourself together! - Why? 965 01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:32,303 Because you have to start cooking dinner. 966 01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:34,847 I'm going after fucking Albert. 967 01:05:40,395 --> 01:05:41,895 Can you... 968 01:05:42,063 --> 01:05:44,023 You can cook, right? 969 01:05:45,317 --> 01:05:47,526 Your father seems to think so. 970 01:06:13,011 --> 01:06:15,304 My cemetery is in Key Biscayne. 971 01:06:16,640 --> 01:06:19,224 It's one of the prettiest in the world. 972 01:06:19,392 --> 01:06:23,562 There are lovely trees, the sky is blue, there are birds. 973 01:06:26,858 --> 01:06:29,360 The one in Los Copa is really shit. 974 01:06:32,238 --> 01:06:34,365 What a pain in the ass you are. 975 01:06:36,409 --> 01:06:40,037 It's true. You're not young and you're not new, 976 01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:42,373 and you do make people laugh. 977 01:06:42,540 --> 01:06:45,501 I'm still with you because you make me laugh. 978 01:06:45,669 --> 01:06:50,172 So now I have to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can be next to you 979 01:06:50,340 --> 01:06:54,510 in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh. 980 01:06:57,889 --> 01:06:59,098 Here. 981 01:07:00,642 --> 01:07:01,850 What's this? 982 01:07:02,811 --> 01:07:04,019 Read it. 983 01:07:08,149 --> 01:07:09,692 I don't understand. 984 01:07:09,859 --> 01:07:13,404 It's the palimony agreement. I told you I had it. 985 01:07:14,739 --> 01:07:19,118 It says I have the right to give you half of everything I own. 986 01:07:20,120 --> 01:07:23,497 It's safer, if something happens to one of us. 987 01:07:24,082 --> 01:07:27,000 But who owns it now? 988 01:07:27,168 --> 01:07:28,460 You do. 989 01:07:33,758 --> 01:07:36,593 Well, I... I don't want it. 990 01:07:36,803 --> 01:07:38,178 Then give me half. 991 01:07:38,346 --> 01:07:41,890 Quick, give me a pen. I don't want all of this, Armand. 992 01:07:43,643 --> 01:07:44,935 Sign it. 993 01:08:01,911 --> 01:08:03,662 There, we're partners. 994 01:08:04,706 --> 01:08:08,417 You own half of my life and I own half of yours. 995 01:08:08,585 --> 01:08:09,877 Half of the club? 996 01:08:10,044 --> 01:08:13,797 What does it matter? Take it all. 997 01:08:13,965 --> 01:08:15,048 I'm 50 years old. 998 01:08:15,216 --> 01:08:18,135 There's one place I call home and it's because you're there. 999 01:08:20,638 --> 01:08:24,433 What difference does it make if I say you can stay or you say I can stay? 1000 01:08:26,770 --> 01:08:28,061 It's ours. 1001 01:08:44,287 --> 01:08:48,457 Hello. She's gone, Mr. Goldman. But she always checks in. 1002 01:08:48,625 --> 01:08:50,584 Sure, I'll take a message. 1003 01:08:51,419 --> 01:08:52,461 Go ahead. 1004 01:08:53,671 --> 01:08:56,131 Don't come... 1005 01:08:56,299 --> 01:08:59,092 The Reverend Al Sharpton said today that 1006 01:08:59,260 --> 01:09:03,889 Jackson's last words, "Your money's on the dresser, Chocolate" were racist. 1007 01:09:04,057 --> 01:09:06,600 The prostitute's given name was Natumbundra... 1008 01:09:07,727 --> 01:09:10,395 That idiot Jackson! Now the Blacks will start. 1009 01:09:10,563 --> 01:09:14,191 Barbara's wedding will disassociate us from all this, really. 1010 01:09:14,359 --> 01:09:19,154 The Colemans are a perfect family. They've never been divorced, have they? 1011 01:09:19,322 --> 01:09:23,033 - No. - See? We're on our way to salvation. 1012 01:09:24,577 --> 01:09:28,664 And it was a question of Albert or your mother. 1013 01:09:28,832 --> 01:09:30,040 So I had to choose. 1014 01:09:31,709 --> 01:09:33,126 And I chose Albert. 1015 01:09:35,380 --> 01:09:37,381 You understand that, don't you? 1016 01:09:37,549 --> 01:09:38,799 I knew you would. 1017 01:09:42,220 --> 01:09:44,429 I can't get this damn tie even. 1018 01:09:45,348 --> 01:09:47,641 Well, the jacket will cover it. 1019 01:09:48,852 --> 01:09:51,395 I look like my grandfather in this suit. 1020 01:09:51,688 --> 01:09:55,607 He always dressed like this. He killed himself at 30. 1021 01:09:56,693 --> 01:09:58,235 Any last instructions? 1022 01:09:58,403 --> 01:10:01,530 No. Just don't walk unless you have to. 1023 01:10:03,116 --> 01:10:04,241 Try not to gesture. 1024 01:10:05,535 --> 01:10:09,913 - Is that all? - Don't talk... too much. 1025 01:10:12,292 --> 01:10:14,126 Who cares? This won't work. 1026 01:10:14,294 --> 01:10:19,214 Come on! Don't be so negative. I think we can pull this off. 1027 01:11:17,357 --> 01:11:18,565 What? 1028 01:11:20,944 --> 01:11:22,152 No good? 1029 01:11:24,948 --> 01:11:27,699 Why? I'm dressed just the way you are. 1030 01:11:29,911 --> 01:11:31,578 I took off all my rings. 1031 01:11:32,705 --> 01:11:34,748 I'm not wearing any makeup. 1032 01:11:36,542 --> 01:11:41,004 I'm just... a "guy." 1033 01:11:43,591 --> 01:11:44,841 What about those? 1034 01:11:48,179 --> 01:11:53,183 Those? Well, one does want a hint of color. 1035 01:12:00,358 --> 01:12:03,735 You're thinking that dressed this way, 1036 01:12:03,903 --> 01:12:06,655 I'm even more obvious, aren't you? 1037 01:12:14,622 --> 01:12:15,789 You're right. 1038 01:12:26,843 --> 01:12:30,095 I just wanted so much to help you. 1039 01:12:34,100 --> 01:12:36,018 And you hate me. 1040 01:12:37,478 --> 01:12:39,521 You both hate me. 1041 01:12:40,773 --> 01:12:42,232 Oh, God... 1042 01:12:45,653 --> 01:12:46,987 We don't hate you. 1043 01:12:50,283 --> 01:12:52,159 ♪ Better treat me right 1044 01:12:54,287 --> 01:12:56,413 ♪ She works hard for the money 1045 01:12:58,416 --> 01:13:00,917 ♪ So hard for it, honey 1046 01:13:02,587 --> 01:13:07,174 ♪ I work hard for the money so you better treat me right 1047 01:13:07,884 --> 01:13:09,259 ♪ That's right ♪ 1048 01:13:09,802 --> 01:13:11,470 Better put your shoes on, it's late. 1049 01:13:11,637 --> 01:13:15,057 There's no point in my putting shoes on, sir. 1050 01:13:15,475 --> 01:13:18,977 I never wear shoes because they make me fall down. 1051 01:13:19,145 --> 01:13:21,271 Just put your shoes on! 1052 01:13:21,439 --> 01:13:25,734 And talk in your normal voice. Give me a break. 1053 01:13:25,902 --> 01:13:27,319 Okay? 1054 01:13:28,279 --> 01:13:29,446 Okay. 1055 01:13:39,540 --> 01:13:41,666 Armand, it's Katharine. 1056 01:13:41,834 --> 01:13:45,170 I'm in the car and I got a message telling me not to come. 1057 01:13:45,338 --> 01:13:46,671 And I wanted to check... 1058 01:13:46,839 --> 01:13:51,760 No, that was a mistake. He said not to come late. I was there. 1059 01:13:51,928 --> 01:13:55,222 I thought my secretary got it wrong. 1060 01:13:55,389 --> 01:13:57,766 I should be there in half an hour. 1061 01:13:59,060 --> 01:14:00,811 Is this Val? 1062 01:14:00,978 --> 01:14:02,062 Yeah. 1063 01:14:03,231 --> 01:14:06,191 Val, I want you to know how... 1064 01:14:07,777 --> 01:14:10,362 happy I am that I can do this for you. 1065 01:14:10,530 --> 01:14:12,989 I know it's a little late. 1066 01:14:13,157 --> 01:14:15,033 No, it's fine. 1067 01:14:16,327 --> 01:14:18,411 Thanks for this. 1068 01:14:20,873 --> 01:14:23,708 So, see you in half an hour... 1069 01:14:25,044 --> 01:14:26,628 Mom. 1070 01:14:27,004 --> 01:14:28,338 What? 1071 01:14:30,508 --> 01:14:33,969 Did you just say, "See you in half an hour, Mom"? 1072 01:14:34,846 --> 01:14:35,887 - Was that? - Yes. 1073 01:14:36,097 --> 01:14:38,223 You can't call her back. She's in the car. 1074 01:14:38,391 --> 01:14:39,391 Are you crazy? 1075 01:14:39,559 --> 01:14:40,934 Albert is hysterical now. 1076 01:14:41,102 --> 01:14:43,019 You know what he'll do if Katharine comes? 1077 01:14:43,187 --> 01:14:44,688 He won't embarrass me. 1078 01:14:44,856 --> 01:14:48,525 It was my mother. I couldn't tell her not to come. 1079 01:14:48,693 --> 01:14:51,987 Pop, without her, I'm screwed. You know that. 1080 01:14:58,578 --> 01:15:02,497 So this is hell. And there's a crucifix in it. 1081 01:15:22,685 --> 01:15:25,979 This is less like Palm Beach than I imagined. 1082 01:15:27,064 --> 01:15:29,107 It was all sand when they bought here. 1083 01:15:29,275 --> 01:15:33,028 This grew up around them while they were in Greece. 1084 01:15:38,910 --> 01:15:43,538 He's locked himself in. If we're lucky he won't come out at all. 1085 01:15:46,209 --> 01:15:47,584 I'm not religious and I'm Jewish. 1086 01:15:47,752 --> 01:15:50,587 But if things go well, I'd appreciate it. 1087 01:15:52,381 --> 01:15:56,801 Speaking of Jewish. Barbara told her parents our last name is Coleman. 1088 01:15:58,304 --> 01:15:59,346 Thanks. 1089 01:16:01,098 --> 01:16:02,140 Coming. 1090 01:16:04,227 --> 01:16:05,268 Perfect. 1091 01:16:08,731 --> 01:16:09,856 It's the shoes. 1092 01:16:16,239 --> 01:16:20,242 Good evening. I am Spartacus, the Goldmans' butler. 1093 01:16:20,409 --> 01:16:23,495 Please, come... come in. 1094 01:16:25,873 --> 01:16:27,332 Is that Goldman? 1095 01:16:27,500 --> 01:16:30,752 Coldman, Coldman. Spartacus is... 1096 01:16:30,962 --> 01:16:32,629 - Guatemalan. - New. 1097 01:16:32,922 --> 01:16:35,715 Val, this is my father and my mother. 1098 01:16:35,883 --> 01:16:38,218 This is Val Coleman. 1099 01:16:39,637 --> 01:16:41,137 Coleman or Coldman? 1100 01:16:41,389 --> 01:16:44,808 Coleman. The "D" is silent. 1101 01:16:44,976 --> 01:16:47,018 - My father. - How do you do? 1102 01:16:49,146 --> 01:16:52,315 - My daughter, Barbara. - Delighted. 1103 01:16:53,734 --> 01:16:57,362 - My husband. - Extremely honored. 1104 01:16:57,530 --> 01:16:59,948 You have a very forceful handshake. 1105 01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:01,533 You have to in Greece. 1106 01:17:05,788 --> 01:17:08,748 My mother won't be here for another 15 minutes. 1107 01:17:08,916 --> 01:17:11,376 She's with my grandparents in Palm Beach. 1108 01:17:11,544 --> 01:17:14,421 Isn't that nice? 1109 01:17:14,588 --> 01:17:17,090 Having contact between the generations. 1110 01:17:17,258 --> 01:17:19,926 Yes. Won't you come in? 1111 01:17:22,596 --> 01:17:25,890 How's the leg? My father has an old football injury. 1112 01:17:26,058 --> 01:17:27,892 A fellow sufferer. Where did you play? 1113 01:17:28,060 --> 01:17:29,477 - Greece. - Miami U. 1114 01:17:30,855 --> 01:17:32,188 What an interesting room. 1115 01:17:32,356 --> 01:17:34,858 Don't you think this room is nice? 1116 01:17:35,151 --> 01:17:38,570 Well, yes. A very, very... 1117 01:17:38,738 --> 01:17:42,824 pleasant vacation house. I like its severity. 1118 01:17:43,117 --> 01:17:48,455 Dad uses this place more for work and... reflection than anything else. 1119 01:17:48,664 --> 01:17:51,124 So it's not so much a vacation house as a... 1120 01:17:51,292 --> 01:17:53,293 Monastery. 1121 01:17:53,461 --> 01:17:55,420 Well, it's just charming. 1122 01:17:56,547 --> 01:17:59,132 And look at these lovely old books. 1123 01:18:00,801 --> 01:18:01,843 Look at this. 1124 01:18:02,345 --> 01:18:05,889 Nancy Drew and the Case of the Burning Candle. 1125 01:18:06,432 --> 01:18:08,391 You have the whole series. 1126 01:18:09,101 --> 01:18:11,811 - They're my mother's. - Sit down! 1127 01:18:12,980 --> 01:18:14,022 Please. 1128 01:18:30,289 --> 01:18:32,582 Shall we have champagne to celebrate? 1129 01:18:32,750 --> 01:18:34,918 How nice. 1130 01:18:35,086 --> 01:18:36,461 - Agador! - Spartacus! 1131 01:18:36,629 --> 01:18:41,257 Agador Spartacus! He insists on being called by his full name. 1132 01:18:48,307 --> 01:18:50,225 We'd like the champagne now. 1133 01:19:04,615 --> 01:19:06,574 Over there? Okay, thanks. 1134 01:19:08,160 --> 01:19:09,369 God bless you. 1135 01:19:10,538 --> 01:19:12,080 They went in around the corner. 1136 01:19:12,248 --> 01:19:15,041 That's the side entrance to this building. 1137 01:19:15,209 --> 01:19:16,626 Let's check it out. 1138 01:19:17,128 --> 01:19:20,463 You have such a responsibility, two houses. 1139 01:19:21,340 --> 01:19:22,966 When did you buy this one? 1140 01:19:23,134 --> 01:19:26,970 About 15 years ago. The area was mostly Jewish then. 1141 01:19:27,263 --> 01:19:30,348 Really? Barbara told us it was mostly sand. 1142 01:19:32,268 --> 01:19:36,521 Yes. Well, you know the old saying. "Where there's sand..." 1143 01:19:37,356 --> 01:19:40,024 Here we go. Champagne for everyone. 1144 01:19:41,735 --> 01:19:43,319 And a Scotch, if you have it. 1145 01:19:46,490 --> 01:19:47,949 Is someone else home? 1146 01:19:49,326 --> 01:19:52,704 Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company. 1147 01:19:56,459 --> 01:19:59,377 I'll finish pouring. Go take care of dinner. 1148 01:20:09,013 --> 01:20:13,224 He's a brilliant chef. He just has a lot to learn about serving. 1149 01:20:14,977 --> 01:20:16,728 Where could the wife be? 1150 01:20:39,585 --> 01:20:42,504 It was so weird. 1151 01:20:42,671 --> 01:20:44,923 No, it really was. 1152 01:20:45,090 --> 01:20:47,342 I was, like, "Will you marry me?" 1153 01:20:47,510 --> 01:20:51,012 She was like, "Didn't you say no way before 30?" 1154 01:20:51,180 --> 01:20:52,764 It was so funny. 1155 01:20:52,932 --> 01:20:56,309 Yes, it does sound... funny. 1156 01:21:00,523 --> 01:21:02,690 How was your trip, Senator? 1157 01:21:04,026 --> 01:21:05,693 A nice trip. Very nice. 1158 01:21:07,154 --> 01:21:10,907 We decided to drive down to see the seasons change. 1159 01:21:12,952 --> 01:21:16,704 It was a long trip, though. Virginia, Kentucky, 1160 01:21:16,872 --> 01:21:18,206 Tennessee... 1161 01:21:18,958 --> 01:21:20,542 Georgia. 1162 01:21:21,252 --> 01:21:25,755 It was just so magical to come from the north, where it's cold... 1163 01:21:26,549 --> 01:21:29,133 to the south, where it's warm... 1164 01:21:29,718 --> 01:21:33,721 and see the tremendous differences from region to region, 1165 01:21:33,889 --> 01:21:36,724 in this incredible country of ours. 1166 01:21:39,019 --> 01:21:41,145 My wife and I used to go to Virginia 1167 01:21:41,313 --> 01:21:44,232 every autumn to see the foliage turn. 1168 01:21:45,526 --> 01:21:47,277 Virginia has amazing foliage, 1169 01:21:47,444 --> 01:21:52,407 although I do think that the foliage in Ohio is underrated. 1170 01:21:54,785 --> 01:21:59,539 It's just dazzling along I-75. 1171 01:22:02,585 --> 01:22:05,295 Just dazzling. 1172 01:22:05,462 --> 01:22:09,674 We would go down to Virginia, to get away for a while. 1173 01:22:09,842 --> 01:22:13,970 To see the wonderful farms, the countryside. 1174 01:22:14,138 --> 01:22:15,680 I'm stuck in traffic. 1175 01:22:15,848 --> 01:22:17,473 Start dinner without me. 1176 01:22:18,434 --> 01:22:20,393 The hills, the mountains. 1177 01:22:22,813 --> 01:22:25,815 Talk about "purple mountains majesty." 1178 01:22:26,817 --> 01:22:28,067 Just fantastic. 1179 01:22:30,446 --> 01:22:33,031 Red leaves, purple mountains... 1180 01:22:35,242 --> 01:22:36,492 green fields. 1181 01:22:39,330 --> 01:22:41,956 And the roads. Black... 1182 01:22:43,334 --> 01:22:45,585 cutting through the green. 1183 01:22:45,753 --> 01:22:47,712 All the colors. 1184 01:22:48,922 --> 01:22:50,173 The trees. 1185 01:22:54,136 --> 01:22:56,471 Pennsylvania's nice, too. 1186 01:22:58,140 --> 01:22:59,265 Was that my wife? 1187 01:23:00,267 --> 01:23:01,684 Just now on the phone? 1188 01:23:01,852 --> 01:23:04,812 I think it was. I was just so caught up. 1189 01:23:04,980 --> 01:23:06,898 Val, was that Mom? 1190 01:23:07,066 --> 01:23:09,567 Yeah. She's stuck. 1191 01:23:09,735 --> 01:23:11,653 We're to start dinner without her. 1192 01:23:11,820 --> 01:23:14,280 I would have picked up, but I was so interested 1193 01:23:14,448 --> 01:23:17,450 in the Senator's... story. 1194 01:23:17,618 --> 01:23:19,744 It wasn't that good. 1195 01:23:19,912 --> 01:23:21,245 It was wonderful. 1196 01:23:22,289 --> 01:23:26,834 Will you excuse me? I should tell Agador Spartacus this news. 1197 01:23:42,267 --> 01:23:43,309 Would you excuse us? 1198 01:23:47,189 --> 01:23:49,649 I've never had so much go so wrong so quickly. 1199 01:23:49,817 --> 01:23:50,942 This is like a curse. 1200 01:23:53,320 --> 01:23:55,488 Dad, what do we do? Do we wait for her or do we... 1201 01:23:55,656 --> 01:23:58,408 - You're soaking! - I'm sweating like some farm animal. 1202 01:23:58,575 --> 01:24:01,953 - I can't do this. - We can do this! Work with me. 1203 01:24:02,871 --> 01:24:05,540 Something very odd is going on. 1204 01:24:05,708 --> 01:24:08,042 It's this thing with Jackson. 1205 01:24:08,210 --> 01:24:11,796 The wife doesn't want to see us and the father's a wreck. 1206 01:24:11,964 --> 01:24:13,631 I'm sure that's not it. 1207 01:24:13,841 --> 01:24:18,678 No, it's something else. Something about the father and the butler. 1208 01:24:18,846 --> 01:24:21,764 - It's nothing! - It is something. 1209 01:24:21,932 --> 01:24:23,474 It's not! You always think the worst. 1210 01:24:23,642 --> 01:24:25,184 - I do not! - You always do! 1211 01:24:25,352 --> 01:24:27,478 Val's mother is just late. 1212 01:24:27,646 --> 01:24:29,272 She's just a little late! 1213 01:24:29,440 --> 01:24:31,691 - Watch yourself, young lady! - Here they come. 1214 01:24:32,776 --> 01:24:33,818 Excuse me. 1215 01:24:35,654 --> 01:24:36,779 Well, we'll... 1216 01:24:38,282 --> 01:24:41,200 Let's give her half an hour and then if she isn't... 1217 01:24:41,368 --> 01:24:43,161 Here I am! 1218 01:24:43,328 --> 01:24:45,288 Oh, please, 1219 01:24:45,456 --> 01:24:49,959 forgive me for being so late, but traffic was unbelievable! 1220 01:24:50,127 --> 01:24:53,004 Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley, 1221 01:24:53,255 --> 01:24:56,132 I'm so happy to meet you at last. 1222 01:24:57,843 --> 01:25:00,094 You must be Barbara. 1223 01:25:00,262 --> 01:25:02,054 What a pretty child. 1224 01:25:02,222 --> 01:25:03,681 Come give me a hug. 1225 01:25:04,558 --> 01:25:06,434 Don't be afraid. 1226 01:25:06,602 --> 01:25:09,270 How adorable. She's shy. 1227 01:25:09,438 --> 01:25:11,689 How nice to meet you, Mrs. Coleman. 1228 01:25:11,857 --> 01:25:13,316 Goldman. 1229 01:25:13,484 --> 01:25:14,650 Isn't the "D" silent? 1230 01:25:14,818 --> 01:25:18,696 It is pronounced Coleman, isn't it? We've had some confusion. 1231 01:25:18,864 --> 01:25:21,365 Oh, yes. Coleman. 1232 01:25:21,533 --> 01:25:24,410 The "D" is silent in America. 1233 01:25:24,578 --> 01:25:29,874 It's Cole d'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man in France 1234 01:25:30,042 --> 01:25:31,793 where Armand's chateau is, 1235 01:25:31,960 --> 01:25:35,588 Cole d'man in Greece where Armand's work is, 1236 01:25:35,756 --> 01:25:40,009 and finally, the vulgar Coleman in Florida, where Armand's home is. 1237 01:25:40,177 --> 01:25:45,264 So, we never know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced. 1238 01:25:47,476 --> 01:25:50,853 - That explains it. - At last. 1239 01:25:52,272 --> 01:25:54,482 I think I would like to hug you, Mrs. Coleman. 1240 01:25:54,650 --> 01:25:58,736 Oh, my dear child. Welcome. 1241 01:25:58,904 --> 01:26:00,655 Look at this. 1242 01:26:01,698 --> 01:26:05,243 This is our footage for the show on Jackson. Pump up the sound. 1243 01:26:05,410 --> 01:26:09,163 We're here at what they're calling Camp Keeley... 1244 01:26:09,331 --> 01:26:12,625 Where you driving him? 1245 01:26:12,793 --> 01:26:15,461 South Beach, Florida. 1246 01:26:15,921 --> 01:26:17,213 Where'd we get this? 1247 01:26:17,381 --> 01:26:20,716 Keeley's house last night. The fat guy, 1248 01:26:20,884 --> 01:26:25,388 is with the National Enquirer. Harry Radman. 1249 01:26:25,556 --> 01:26:30,434 Oh, yeah. My God, he's put on so much weight since the Simpson case. 1250 01:26:32,020 --> 01:26:33,396 This should go to the network. 1251 01:26:33,564 --> 01:26:39,819 It's so wonderful what you've done here. Everything is so simple and uncluttered. 1252 01:26:39,987 --> 01:26:43,698 Our house is a sea of papers. You men. 1253 01:26:43,866 --> 01:26:46,993 You're the biggest babies. They can run the world, 1254 01:26:47,160 --> 01:26:49,287 but can't pick out a tie. 1255 01:26:49,454 --> 01:26:52,832 I know. I can't get this big lug to buy a new suit. 1256 01:26:53,000 --> 01:26:55,459 Armand, they're picking on us. 1257 01:26:55,627 --> 01:26:58,045 Oh, well... 1258 01:26:58,255 --> 01:27:01,841 bless them. That's the way nature made them. 1259 01:27:02,009 --> 01:27:04,010 Maybe I'm just an old-fashioned girl, 1260 01:27:04,177 --> 01:27:08,806 but I pity the woman who's too busy to take care of her man. 1261 01:27:08,974 --> 01:27:12,560 Hear, hear! It's so nice to meet people like you. 1262 01:27:12,728 --> 01:27:16,355 Our kind of people. 1263 01:27:16,523 --> 01:27:21,444 C-O-L-E-M-A-N. There's no first name on the bell. 1264 01:27:21,612 --> 01:27:23,446 Sure? They can't find them. 1265 01:27:23,614 --> 01:27:27,867 What about the name in front of the club - Goldman? That's close. 1266 01:27:28,035 --> 01:27:30,745 You're right. Wouldn't that be something? 1267 01:27:30,913 --> 01:27:32,663 Try Goldman. What was it? 1268 01:27:32,831 --> 01:27:34,498 Armand Goldman. 1269 01:27:35,125 --> 01:27:38,961 It's so odd to me, this fuss over school prayer. 1270 01:27:39,129 --> 01:27:42,298 As if anyone, Jews, Muslims, whatever, 1271 01:27:42,466 --> 01:27:44,842 would mind if their children prayed in the classroom. 1272 01:27:45,010 --> 01:27:48,012 It's insane. 1273 01:27:48,180 --> 01:27:51,182 Thank you, Agador Spartacus! You may go. 1274 01:27:53,977 --> 01:27:57,355 He's very nice, but such a problem. 1275 01:27:57,522 --> 01:28:00,441 We never know what makes him laugh. 1276 01:28:00,609 --> 01:28:02,526 At least he speaks English. 1277 01:28:02,694 --> 01:28:07,406 We have been through more chauffeurs in the last six months... 1278 01:28:07,574 --> 01:28:11,619 And the maids we've run through in the last six years! 1279 01:28:11,787 --> 01:28:14,789 - Rodney, Bruno, Chuck... - Look! You all need more ice. 1280 01:28:14,957 --> 01:28:16,999 I have a good feeling about you people. 1281 01:28:17,167 --> 01:28:19,001 Not a lot of clever books on the shelves, 1282 01:28:19,169 --> 01:28:21,295 no fancy art on the walls. 1283 01:28:21,463 --> 01:28:22,797 Just the crucifix, 1284 01:28:22,965 --> 01:28:25,758 and a lot of good, warm, family feeling. 1285 01:28:25,926 --> 01:28:28,636 This is what Clinton missed when he started in on school prayer 1286 01:28:28,804 --> 01:28:30,221 and gays in the military. 1287 01:28:30,389 --> 01:28:31,889 More ice for you. 1288 01:28:32,057 --> 01:28:35,267 There's an idiotic issue, gays in the military! 1289 01:28:35,435 --> 01:28:38,771 I mean, those haircuts, those uniforms, who cares?! 1290 01:28:38,939 --> 01:28:42,024 Mom, don't talk about things you don't know about. 1291 01:28:42,192 --> 01:28:45,194 Don't patronize your mother. She's amazingly intelligent. 1292 01:28:45,362 --> 01:28:47,738 - I think homosexuality... - A lot more ice for you! 1293 01:28:47,906 --> 01:28:49,115 More for me, Dad. 1294 01:28:49,282 --> 01:28:51,283 Is one of the things weakening this country. 1295 01:28:51,451 --> 01:28:53,202 Really? 1296 01:28:53,370 --> 01:28:56,539 That's what I thought until I found out Alexander the Great was a fag. 1297 01:28:56,707 --> 01:28:58,416 Talk about gays in the military! 1298 01:28:58,583 --> 01:29:00,918 How about those Dolphins? 1299 01:29:04,965 --> 01:29:06,424 I'll get it. 1300 01:29:11,388 --> 01:29:17,018 I think we're skirting an issue here that has Mr. Coleman very nervous. 1301 01:29:19,771 --> 01:29:22,690 You must have heard about how Senator Jackson died. 1302 01:29:24,484 --> 01:29:26,819 Oh, that. 1303 01:29:26,987 --> 01:29:29,613 Yes, what an ugly story. 1304 01:29:30,657 --> 01:29:32,867 Of course, we don't believe a word of it. 1305 01:29:33,035 --> 01:29:36,162 - What do you mean? - He was obviously framed. 1306 01:29:36,329 --> 01:29:40,249 - I, for one, would like an autopsy. - Mom... 1307 01:29:41,460 --> 01:29:43,669 That's just what Rush Limbaugh said. 1308 01:29:46,423 --> 01:29:47,423 Excuse me. 1309 01:29:52,137 --> 01:29:56,390 The tension... it's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable. 1310 01:29:56,558 --> 01:29:59,393 Dinner is going to be late, okay? 1311 01:29:59,561 --> 01:30:02,563 'Cause you give me so little time to shop. 1312 01:30:03,065 --> 01:30:06,067 Barbara's nice. I owe it to Val, 1313 01:30:06,234 --> 01:30:07,902 growing up the way he did. It can't have been easy. 1314 01:30:08,070 --> 01:30:11,864 I'm sorry to laugh at Miss Albert, but what is that hairdo? 1315 01:30:12,032 --> 01:30:15,409 Fuck it! It's one night. I can live through it. 1316 01:30:17,204 --> 01:30:20,831 Of course, it's wrong to kill an abortion doctor. 1317 01:30:20,999 --> 01:30:25,461 Many pro-lifers, I don't agree with them, but they feel that if you... 1318 01:30:25,629 --> 01:30:26,796 I'm here, son. 1319 01:30:26,963 --> 01:30:29,298 Stop the doctors, you stop the abortions. 1320 01:30:29,466 --> 01:30:33,427 That's ridiculous. The doctors are only doing their jobs. 1321 01:30:33,595 --> 01:30:36,430 Better to kill the mothers. That will stop them. 1322 01:30:37,057 --> 01:30:39,016 May I see you a moment, dear? 1323 01:30:39,184 --> 01:30:43,312 I know, I know, if you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too. 1324 01:30:43,480 --> 01:30:47,566 But the fetus is going to be aborted, so let it go down with the ship. 1325 01:30:47,734 --> 01:30:49,610 I really must see you now. 1326 01:30:51,279 --> 01:30:52,321 Excuse me. 1327 01:30:59,996 --> 01:31:01,705 I assure you, 1328 01:31:01,873 --> 01:31:05,459 Mother is just following a train of thought to its logical 1329 01:31:05,669 --> 01:31:07,586 yet absurd conclusion. 1330 01:31:07,754 --> 01:31:10,172 As Jonathan Swift did when he suggested 1331 01:31:10,340 --> 01:31:12,716 Irish peasants feed their babies to the rich. 1332 01:31:13,635 --> 01:31:17,012 I don't know about Jonathan Swift, but I know one thing about your mother. 1333 01:31:17,180 --> 01:31:21,809 She's a passionate woman who follows her heart. And I love her. 1334 01:31:23,436 --> 01:31:25,729 So Goldman owns the club, 1335 01:31:25,897 --> 01:31:29,525 lives above it, owns the building and he's gay. 1336 01:31:30,902 --> 01:31:32,862 We are in Enquirer heaven. 1337 01:31:36,533 --> 01:31:42,830 ♪ I could have danced all night 1338 01:31:42,998 --> 01:31:47,084 ♪ And still have begged for more 1339 01:31:48,044 --> 01:31:49,211 You have a beautiful voice. 1340 01:31:49,379 --> 01:31:52,214 ♪ I could have spread my wings 1341 01:31:52,382 --> 01:31:55,551 ♪ And done a thousand things 1342 01:31:55,719 --> 01:31:59,180 ♪ I've never done before... 1343 01:32:00,974 --> 01:32:03,893 Your mother should know I want a career and marriage. 1344 01:32:04,060 --> 01:32:06,687 Barbara, Albert isn't my mother. He's a drag queen. 1345 01:32:06,855 --> 01:32:10,983 That's right, I keep forgetting. 1346 01:32:11,151 --> 01:32:13,819 He just sounds so much like a mother. 1347 01:32:14,446 --> 01:32:17,990 ♪ I only know 1348 01:32:18,158 --> 01:32:22,661 ♪ When he began to dance with me 1349 01:32:22,829 --> 01:32:26,916 ♪ I could have danced, danced, danced 1350 01:32:27,083 --> 01:32:30,211 ♪ All night ♪ 1351 01:32:35,258 --> 01:32:36,592 Bravo! 1352 01:32:40,680 --> 01:32:43,557 What a lovely voice you have, Agador Spartacus. 1353 01:32:43,725 --> 01:32:48,771 Thank you. Thank you, all. Dinner is served. 1354 01:32:48,939 --> 01:32:54,318 Wonderful. This way, Senator. You know, I played Eliza in high school. 1355 01:32:54,486 --> 01:32:56,362 I'll bet you were lovely. 1356 01:32:59,366 --> 01:33:02,201 Go inside. I'll tape a note to Katharine to the door. 1357 01:33:03,203 --> 01:33:07,081 Mrs. Keeley over there, and the Senator on my right. 1358 01:33:07,249 --> 01:33:10,751 Val, over here. And Barbara, dear, please sit. 1359 01:33:10,919 --> 01:33:12,795 You are the most gracious hostess. 1360 01:33:12,963 --> 01:33:14,546 Oh, thank you so much. 1361 01:33:14,714 --> 01:33:17,216 I'm having such a wonderful time. 1362 01:33:18,093 --> 01:33:20,469 This is what I've always dreamed of: 1363 01:33:20,637 --> 01:33:24,598 A big, loving family gathered around the table, 1364 01:33:24,766 --> 01:33:26,600 the way it was when I was a girl. 1365 01:33:26,768 --> 01:33:28,602 That's the way we grew up, too. 1366 01:33:28,770 --> 01:33:33,732 It was a wonderful world then, wasn't it? Happy families and 1367 01:33:33,900 --> 01:33:37,611 everyone speaking English and no drugs and no AIDS. 1368 01:33:37,779 --> 01:33:38,988 Easy on the wine, Mom. 1369 01:33:39,155 --> 01:33:40,781 What interesting china! 1370 01:33:40,949 --> 01:33:44,576 It looks like young men playing leapfrog. 1371 01:33:44,744 --> 01:33:45,828 Is it Greek? 1372 01:33:47,706 --> 01:33:51,417 I... I... 1373 01:33:51,584 --> 01:33:53,252 I have no idea. 1374 01:33:53,420 --> 01:33:55,713 I've never seen these bowls before. 1375 01:33:55,880 --> 01:33:59,300 Really? Barbara, get me my glasses, dear. 1376 01:33:59,467 --> 01:34:01,385 They're in my purse by the chair. 1377 01:34:01,553 --> 01:34:04,763 Where are my glasses? It is Greek. 1378 01:34:04,931 --> 01:34:09,226 Greek boys, actually. Naked Greek boys. 1379 01:34:09,436 --> 01:34:12,187 And girls! Doesn't your bowl have girls? 1380 01:34:12,355 --> 01:34:15,941 - I have one! - Mine, too! Oh, look. 1381 01:34:16,109 --> 01:34:18,652 There. I think that's a girl. 1382 01:34:18,820 --> 01:34:22,197 Then you haven't seen one in a long time. That's a boy. 1383 01:34:22,365 --> 01:34:25,534 I may need glasses, but I can see that. 1384 01:34:26,202 --> 01:34:29,747 I couldn't find your glasses. Maybe they're in the car. 1385 01:34:29,914 --> 01:34:31,999 I have mine. Here. 1386 01:34:33,918 --> 01:34:36,378 Hurry, you idiot! They're looking at the bowls. 1387 01:34:36,546 --> 01:34:38,881 How could you put out bowls without looking at them?! 1388 01:34:39,049 --> 01:34:41,842 Stop ladling! Give me the pot! 1389 01:34:42,010 --> 01:34:43,761 - You can't serve out of that! - Move! 1390 01:34:43,928 --> 01:34:46,013 Wait! There's shrimps. 1391 01:34:46,181 --> 01:34:47,723 Let's see what these Greeks are doing. 1392 01:34:47,891 --> 01:34:50,017 Here we go. 1393 01:34:51,686 --> 01:34:56,857 Agador's superb soup. We're in luck, he doesn't make this for everyone. 1394 01:34:57,025 --> 01:35:00,152 This is his specialty, seafood chowder. 1395 01:35:00,528 --> 01:35:01,904 - Isn't that an egg? - What? 1396 01:35:02,072 --> 01:35:05,574 - An egg. - Why, yes, it is. It is a huevo. 1397 01:35:06,576 --> 01:35:08,911 This is so Guatemala. 1398 01:35:09,079 --> 01:35:11,955 They put eggs in everything down there 1399 01:35:12,123 --> 01:35:15,584 because chicken is so important to them. 1400 01:35:15,752 --> 01:35:18,670 It's their only real currency. 1401 01:35:18,838 --> 01:35:21,715 A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. 1402 01:35:21,883 --> 01:35:25,469 A man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock. 1403 01:35:25,637 --> 01:35:27,388 Will you excuse me? 1404 01:35:30,892 --> 01:35:32,351 What the hell is this? 1405 01:35:32,519 --> 01:35:36,355 Sweet and sour peasant soup. Why'd you say it was seafood chowder? 1406 01:35:36,523 --> 01:35:40,109 - What the hell is that? - I don't know. I made it up! 1407 01:35:40,276 --> 01:35:41,402 God, this is a nightmare. 1408 01:35:54,457 --> 01:35:56,583 Where are you staying in Florida? 1409 01:35:57,752 --> 01:36:00,587 With the Jeb Bushes, on Fisher Island. 1410 01:36:00,755 --> 01:36:04,508 Fisher Island. Such a lovely spot. 1411 01:36:04,676 --> 01:36:08,429 My parents lived on Fisher Island until they died. 1412 01:36:10,014 --> 01:36:13,475 I thought you were visiting your parents in Palm Beach. 1413 01:36:13,643 --> 01:36:15,436 What? 1414 01:36:15,603 --> 01:36:19,064 Yes... now... 1415 01:36:20,066 --> 01:36:21,608 that they're dead. 1416 01:36:22,068 --> 01:36:23,110 They moved... 1417 01:36:24,404 --> 01:36:26,613 were moved... because... 1418 01:36:29,534 --> 01:36:31,034 Well... 1419 01:36:31,202 --> 01:36:34,997 My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island," 1420 01:36:35,165 --> 01:36:37,124 get buried in Palm Beach, 1421 01:36:37,292 --> 01:36:40,669 "that way you'll have the best of Florida." 1422 01:36:42,422 --> 01:36:45,382 Dad, get in there. Everything is going to hell. 1423 01:36:45,550 --> 01:36:47,801 He didn't make an entrée. 1424 01:36:47,969 --> 01:36:51,221 What? You... you mean we just have soup? 1425 01:36:51,389 --> 01:36:54,266 Peasant soup is an entrée. It's like stew! 1426 01:36:54,434 --> 01:36:56,101 Why do you think I put so much in it?! 1427 01:36:56,269 --> 01:36:57,936 Shut up! 1428 01:36:58,104 --> 01:37:00,939 Put Katharine's note on the downstairs door. 1429 01:37:01,107 --> 01:37:03,817 I have to go back before they get to the bottom of the bowls. 1430 01:37:03,985 --> 01:37:07,446 I had so much to do. You give me no time to shop! 1431 01:37:07,614 --> 01:37:08,780 Shut up! 1432 01:37:08,948 --> 01:37:11,408 It's okay! We're all right! 1433 01:37:11,576 --> 01:37:14,703 Shut up, goddamn you! Stop crying! Goddamn you! 1434 01:37:14,871 --> 01:37:18,415 Don't just stand there! She'll be here any minute! Go! 1435 01:37:18,583 --> 01:37:20,501 Goddamn it! Fuck the shrimp! 1436 01:37:25,507 --> 01:37:29,593 Oh, my God. That's it. That's it. 1437 01:37:29,761 --> 01:37:33,055 - That's the Lincoln. - Park here. The street's jammed. 1438 01:37:33,223 --> 01:37:36,558 - This is an intersection. - So? We're the press. 1439 01:37:48,196 --> 01:37:53,242 "Katharine, do not go upstairs. I'll call you tomorrow. Armand." 1440 01:37:53,409 --> 01:37:55,285 This is going to be great. 1441 01:37:56,371 --> 01:38:00,874 From that day on, they looked for a cemetery they really loved 1442 01:38:01,042 --> 01:38:02,459 instead of eating tofu. 1443 01:38:02,669 --> 01:38:05,337 Daddy favored Key Biscayne, but... 1444 01:38:05,505 --> 01:38:07,631 Time for dessert. You get everything done? 1445 01:38:07,799 --> 01:38:08,840 Yes. 1446 01:38:09,008 --> 01:38:12,135 Shall we have our coffee in the living room? 1447 01:38:15,765 --> 01:38:18,684 No, it's his town car. I am looking at it. 1448 01:38:21,521 --> 01:38:25,232 We're in the middle of a bunch of drag clubs. I don't know. 1449 01:38:25,400 --> 01:38:27,276 We got authorization. 1450 01:38:27,443 --> 01:38:28,944 So, three? 1451 01:38:31,489 --> 01:38:34,825 - So, where are they? - They went around the corner there. 1452 01:38:41,874 --> 01:38:46,253 So what do you think of these kids getting married? 1453 01:38:46,421 --> 01:38:50,382 Well, she's only 18 and he's only 20, so I... 1454 01:38:52,260 --> 01:38:56,597 Good God. That sounds like it's coming from downstairs. 1455 01:38:56,764 --> 01:38:59,224 It must be coming from that nightclub on the corner. 1456 01:38:59,392 --> 01:39:01,393 This must be the same building. 1457 01:39:01,561 --> 01:39:06,732 You're joking! I always thought that was someone's television set. 1458 01:39:06,899 --> 01:39:09,776 Now, Mother, you know we live above a nightclub. 1459 01:39:09,944 --> 01:39:13,071 She's traveled around the world, but deep down 1460 01:39:13,239 --> 01:39:16,533 she's still a girl from Grover's Corners. 1461 01:39:16,701 --> 01:39:18,785 I'm afraid I am a bit naïve. 1462 01:39:20,121 --> 01:39:22,122 Don't be ashamed of Grover's Corners. 1463 01:39:22,290 --> 01:39:26,418 It's not a chateau, but it's a darn good place to call home. 1464 01:39:26,586 --> 01:39:30,797 Thank you. I will remember that. 1465 01:39:30,965 --> 01:39:35,594 Of course, Armand is much more sophisticated than I am. 1466 01:39:35,762 --> 01:39:39,848 But then, he comes from such good stock. 1467 01:39:40,892 --> 01:39:44,019 Just like those two adorable youngsters. 1468 01:39:44,354 --> 01:39:46,355 Don't you agree? 1469 01:39:46,522 --> 01:39:48,899 - Where's the bathroom? - I'll show you. 1470 01:39:49,067 --> 01:39:52,986 - No, I want Mother Coleman to show me. - My dear child! 1471 01:39:53,154 --> 01:39:54,696 One kiss, darling. 1472 01:39:54,864 --> 01:39:57,032 - I'm only going to the bathroom. - We'll all go. 1473 01:39:57,200 --> 01:39:59,993 I think you're all crazy. 1474 01:40:00,161 --> 01:40:01,244 My men! 1475 01:40:01,412 --> 01:40:04,623 Isn't this wonderful? All of us together. 1476 01:40:04,791 --> 01:40:07,542 This is so moving, I think I'm going to cry! 1477 01:40:08,294 --> 01:40:11,672 Something very strange is going on. 1478 01:40:12,048 --> 01:40:14,132 I know. 1479 01:40:14,300 --> 01:40:15,801 I mean, that dinner. 1480 01:40:17,178 --> 01:40:19,930 I know there was something on those bowls. 1481 01:40:20,098 --> 01:40:23,433 And the son disappearing while we were eating. 1482 01:40:23,601 --> 01:40:26,019 I know just what's going on. 1483 01:40:26,187 --> 01:40:27,646 It's the oldest story in the world. 1484 01:40:27,814 --> 01:40:29,189 What is it? 1485 01:40:32,318 --> 01:40:34,277 She's a small town girl... 1486 01:40:35,947 --> 01:40:39,783 and he's a pretentious European, the worst kind. 1487 01:40:40,118 --> 01:40:42,202 Him and his Cole d'whatever. 1488 01:40:42,370 --> 01:40:46,039 And his decadent china. I've seen it all before. 1489 01:40:46,207 --> 01:40:48,500 Aristotle Onassis was like this. 1490 01:40:48,668 --> 01:40:52,045 And all of the French. Especially Mitterrand. 1491 01:40:52,380 --> 01:40:54,965 And the English. Not Margaret Thatcher, of course. 1492 01:40:55,133 --> 01:40:59,052 But I bet John Major has something on the side. And she can't handle it. 1493 01:40:59,220 --> 01:41:01,304 - Who? - Mrs. Coleman. 1494 01:41:01,472 --> 01:41:03,557 Why should she care about John Major? 1495 01:41:04,058 --> 01:41:07,018 No. Mrs. Coleman can't handle him. 1496 01:41:07,186 --> 01:41:11,022 Coleman and his nasty little European traditions. 1497 01:41:11,858 --> 01:41:15,318 And his snobbery. And that dig about Grover's Corners. 1498 01:41:15,486 --> 01:41:17,195 Kevin, you're rambling. 1499 01:41:17,363 --> 01:41:21,658 Well, it makes me furious, the contempt he has for her. 1500 01:41:21,826 --> 01:41:25,495 Did you see him when she talked? He looked almost frightened. 1501 01:41:26,080 --> 01:41:30,208 He won't let her run the house. He's in the kitchen. He serves. 1502 01:41:30,376 --> 01:41:33,336 He tells that beige savage what to do. 1503 01:41:38,718 --> 01:41:39,718 What? 1504 01:41:39,886 --> 01:41:44,514 I'm so sorry. I've ruined everything! 1505 01:41:44,682 --> 01:41:48,435 Don't be silly. No-one noticed the wig. Where's the spirit gum? 1506 01:41:48,603 --> 01:41:49,936 They took everything away. 1507 01:41:50,104 --> 01:41:54,107 I have a barrette. If you don't move your head, it might work. 1508 01:41:54,275 --> 01:41:56,943 Thank you. You're a very sweet girl. 1509 01:41:57,612 --> 01:41:58,945 I'm so sorry, Val. 1510 01:42:00,281 --> 01:42:04,701 You didn't have this kind of sympathy for poor Bessie Jackson! 1511 01:42:04,869 --> 01:42:06,995 Bessie Jackson is an insensitive cow. 1512 01:42:07,163 --> 01:42:11,249 This woman is a lady. You know, she'll be your in-law, too. 1513 01:42:11,417 --> 01:42:16,213 If he's so terrible, maybe your daughter shouldn't marry his son! 1514 01:42:16,380 --> 01:42:20,550 He's not terrible in that way. He won't get mixed up in some scandal. 1515 01:42:20,718 --> 01:42:24,179 - I've never really seen you before. - What do you mean? 1516 01:42:24,347 --> 01:42:29,893 I don't even know who you are! All you think about is your career. 1517 01:42:30,645 --> 01:42:32,938 And poor, little Mrs. Coleman. 1518 01:42:33,105 --> 01:42:36,149 Oh, please. You're just as worried about my career as I am. 1519 01:42:36,317 --> 01:42:39,778 You're the one who pushed for the marriage. Barbara can handle that boy. 1520 01:42:39,946 --> 01:42:41,947 She's a modern woman, tough as nails. 1521 01:42:42,114 --> 01:42:46,076 Mrs. Coleman is just very vulnerable. 1522 01:42:46,828 --> 01:42:50,080 It just breaks my heart. They don't make woman like that anymore. 1523 01:42:53,334 --> 01:42:57,337 Hello! I'm home! I forgot my key. 1524 01:42:57,505 --> 01:43:00,382 - Who is it? - Val's mother, Mrs. Goldman. 1525 01:43:00,550 --> 01:43:02,968 Is Armand there? 1526 01:43:04,637 --> 01:43:07,138 - Val's mother? - Mrs. Goldman? 1527 01:43:09,267 --> 01:43:13,144 So this is the whole story. The bastard has a live-in mistress. 1528 01:43:13,312 --> 01:43:16,189 - I'll get the door. - No, you're in the wrong house! 1529 01:43:18,150 --> 01:43:22,988 Good evening. May I take your purse, as usual? Or... 1530 01:43:23,406 --> 01:43:25,031 for the first time. 1531 01:43:25,199 --> 01:43:26,408 Thank you. 1532 01:43:26,576 --> 01:43:28,994 You must be Senator and Mrs. Keeley. 1533 01:43:29,161 --> 01:43:34,082 Katharine Goldman. Delighted to meet you. I'm sorry I'm so late... 1534 01:43:34,250 --> 01:43:38,461 Sorry to take so long, but Barbara... What is she doing here? 1535 01:43:38,629 --> 01:43:39,754 Let me explain. 1536 01:43:39,922 --> 01:43:41,965 Please do. Explain to all of us. 1537 01:43:42,133 --> 01:43:43,842 I don't want to embarrass this lovely lady, 1538 01:43:44,010 --> 01:43:47,345 but how many mothers does Val have? 1539 01:43:47,513 --> 01:43:49,097 What? 1540 01:43:49,265 --> 01:43:51,808 This woman introduced herself as Val's mother. 1541 01:43:51,976 --> 01:43:54,811 How many mothers does he have? 1542 01:43:59,191 --> 01:44:00,483 Just one. 1543 01:44:05,197 --> 01:44:06,323 This is my mother. 1544 01:44:06,490 --> 01:44:11,828 My father owns the club downstairs. My mother is the star. 1545 01:44:12,872 --> 01:44:13,914 What? 1546 01:44:14,832 --> 01:44:18,835 We lied to you, Barbara and I. And everyone lied for us. 1547 01:44:19,587 --> 01:44:21,171 These are my parents. 1548 01:44:22,840 --> 01:44:24,591 This is my wife. 1549 01:44:25,593 --> 01:44:27,636 This is the lady who had Val. 1550 01:44:28,471 --> 01:44:29,888 Nice to meet you, Katharine. 1551 01:44:30,932 --> 01:44:32,223 Very nice, Val. 1552 01:44:32,391 --> 01:44:34,643 You've done a good job. 1553 01:44:35,227 --> 01:44:37,979 Thank you. We're very proud of him. 1554 01:44:38,147 --> 01:44:39,481 I don't understand. 1555 01:44:39,649 --> 01:44:44,319 Barbara, the nightclub downstairs, he owns it? 1556 01:44:46,197 --> 01:44:48,239 He's not a cultural attaché? 1557 01:44:50,159 --> 01:44:54,621 No. And he isn't married to a housewife. 1558 01:44:54,789 --> 01:44:57,707 And their name is Goldman, not Coleman. 1559 01:44:58,459 --> 01:44:59,459 They're Jewish. 1560 01:44:59,627 --> 01:45:01,378 I don't understand. 1561 01:45:03,089 --> 01:45:05,966 He's a man. They're both men. 1562 01:45:06,133 --> 01:45:07,842 No. You can't be Jewish. 1563 01:45:08,010 --> 01:45:09,803 No, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. 1564 01:45:09,971 --> 01:45:13,139 Kevin, this is a man. 1565 01:45:14,600 --> 01:45:15,767 What? 1566 01:45:15,935 --> 01:45:18,687 Don't you see? They're gay. 1567 01:45:18,854 --> 01:45:22,190 They own the drag club downstairs. They're two men. 1568 01:45:26,028 --> 01:45:27,195 Senator Keeley... 1569 01:45:27,363 --> 01:45:32,909 this may not help, but I want you to know I meant every word I said 1570 01:45:33,077 --> 01:45:37,914 about a return to family values and a stricter moral code. 1571 01:45:38,082 --> 01:45:39,499 I feel like I'm insane. 1572 01:45:39,667 --> 01:45:41,835 It's really very simple. Armand and I... 1573 01:45:42,003 --> 01:45:44,379 She called you Mother Coleman. 1574 01:45:44,547 --> 01:45:47,716 Kevin, nothing has changed. It's still me. 1575 01:45:47,883 --> 01:45:50,593 With one... tiny difference. 1576 01:45:52,179 --> 01:45:54,139 Well, not tiny. 1577 01:45:59,020 --> 01:46:00,311 I don't understand. 1578 01:46:00,479 --> 01:46:04,649 I'll explain in the car. Come on, Barbara. Let's go. 1579 01:46:04,817 --> 01:46:06,776 I'm not coming. 1580 01:46:07,695 --> 01:46:10,363 Barbara, please don't do this to me. 1581 01:46:11,323 --> 01:46:14,951 I may not be as vulnerable as Mrs. Coleman... 1582 01:46:16,120 --> 01:46:18,246 but I still have feelings. 1583 01:46:18,914 --> 01:46:21,791 Somebody has to like me best. 1584 01:46:24,462 --> 01:46:28,465 Take it easy, Louise. Barbara, we're leaving now. 1585 01:46:30,342 --> 01:46:33,344 - You're coming with us. - Daddy, please. 1586 01:46:33,929 --> 01:46:37,640 I've made your mother cry. I'm up for re-election. 1587 01:46:37,808 --> 01:46:39,100 We're involved in a scandal. 1588 01:46:39,268 --> 01:46:42,812 I'm in the home of a gay couple who own a drag club. 1589 01:46:43,314 --> 01:46:47,233 You want to get married, but how many lives must you ruin to do it? 1590 01:46:53,657 --> 01:46:54,657 I... 1591 01:46:56,243 --> 01:47:00,497 I would have liked to have had you as my family. 1592 01:47:07,129 --> 01:47:10,131 I just want to say, Mr. And Mrs... Mr... 1593 01:47:11,550 --> 01:47:16,429 whatever your name is, I hope this doesn't influence your vote. 1594 01:47:18,432 --> 01:47:19,599 Senator Keeley! 1595 01:47:22,269 --> 01:47:23,394 Oh, no. 1596 01:47:24,396 --> 01:47:25,605 Did you get him? 1597 01:47:25,773 --> 01:47:27,732 I would have if you hadn't said his name. 1598 01:47:27,900 --> 01:47:29,776 I wanted to make him turn. 1599 01:47:39,161 --> 01:47:40,411 Those vultures. 1600 01:47:43,374 --> 01:47:48,419 Another television van just arrived. And a car.! T says Florida Eagle. 1601 01:47:48,587 --> 01:47:50,630 That's just print news. 1602 01:47:50,881 --> 01:47:53,299 I can see the headline: "Senator Jackson 1603 01:47:53,467 --> 01:47:56,094 and His Women; Senator Keeley and His Men." 1604 01:47:56,262 --> 01:47:57,554 It's perfectly innocent. 1605 01:47:57,721 --> 01:48:02,767 You came to meet the parents of the boy that Barbara wants to marry. 1606 01:48:02,935 --> 01:48:07,355 Louise, people in this country don't care about details. 1607 01:48:07,523 --> 01:48:08,857 All they trust are headlines. 1608 01:48:09,024 --> 01:48:10,817 Well, if I can put in my two cents, 1609 01:48:10,985 --> 01:48:13,785 what do they have? It's their word against yours that you're even here. 1610 01:48:13,904 --> 01:48:17,365 Yes, but at some point, I'll have to leave. 1611 01:48:17,533 --> 01:48:20,034 People will notice if I'm never seen again. 1612 01:48:20,202 --> 01:48:23,955 Another television crew. And they're going into the club! 1613 01:48:24,123 --> 01:48:27,959 Wouldn't you know it? The one night I don't perform... 1614 01:48:28,210 --> 01:48:30,253 Can I get anyone some soup? 1615 01:48:30,421 --> 01:48:31,546 No! 1616 01:48:33,048 --> 01:48:36,009 - Daddy, I'm sorry. - I know. 1617 01:48:36,177 --> 01:48:37,594 Senator? 1618 01:48:38,971 --> 01:48:41,764 - Another shot for you? - I don't really drink. 1619 01:48:41,932 --> 01:48:45,768 Yeah, but... now is the time to pretend. 1620 01:48:47,396 --> 01:48:49,272 Give me some candy, Louise. 1621 01:48:50,274 --> 01:48:53,151 Couldn't the Keeleys slip out at the end of the show? 1622 01:48:53,319 --> 01:48:56,404 No, they're waiting for that. They'd be recognized. 1623 01:48:59,450 --> 01:49:01,326 Not necessarily. 1624 01:49:29,146 --> 01:49:31,564 A big hand for our girls. 1625 01:49:31,732 --> 01:49:36,694 As we come to the end of our show, you are family, too, so sing along. 1626 01:49:36,862 --> 01:49:38,988 ♪ We are family 1627 01:49:40,950 --> 01:49:42,992 ♪ I got all my sisters with me 1628 01:49:44,954 --> 01:49:46,871 ♪ We are family 1629 01:49:48,958 --> 01:49:51,459 ♪ Get up, everybody, and sing 1630 01:50:46,348 --> 01:50:47,807 Will they keep waiting? 1631 01:50:47,975 --> 01:50:52,020 They have to. There's no story if they don't get him coming out. 1632 01:50:52,396 --> 01:50:54,272 ♪ Get up, everybody, and sing 1633 01:51:12,499 --> 01:51:14,667 ♪ We are family 1634 01:51:16,128 --> 01:51:18,671 ♪ I got all my sisters with me 1635 01:51:20,174 --> 01:51:22,216 ♪ We are family 1636 01:51:24,178 --> 01:51:26,304 ♪ Get up, everybody, and sing 1637 01:51:28,223 --> 01:51:30,224 ♪ We are family... 1638 01:51:44,740 --> 01:51:48,701 Work it. Sell it. Own it. Go, girlfriend. 1639 01:51:52,039 --> 01:51:53,081 Come on. 1640 01:52:00,547 --> 01:52:08,547 ♪ We are family 1641 01:52:20,275 --> 01:52:22,944 I've never danced with a man before. 1642 01:52:23,529 --> 01:52:25,655 There's always a first time. 1643 01:52:27,408 --> 01:52:28,491 Perdóname. 1644 01:52:30,828 --> 01:52:33,871 No one will dance with me. It's this dress. 1645 01:52:34,039 --> 01:52:35,915 I knew white would make me look fat. 1646 01:52:36,083 --> 01:52:38,793 What about me? I'm as pretty as these other guys. 1647 01:52:38,961 --> 01:52:41,671 - Dance? - Not you. Barbara. 1648 01:52:41,839 --> 01:52:45,758 Don't go. I don't want to be the only girl not dancing. 1649 01:52:45,968 --> 01:52:49,512 Just head for the door. We'll be out of here soon. 1650 01:52:50,472 --> 01:52:52,932 Care to dance... baby? 1651 01:53:48,739 --> 01:53:52,575 Meet me in 20 minutes at the corner of El Dorado and Palm. 1652 01:53:52,743 --> 01:53:55,119 Lady, not for a million dollars. 1653 01:55:00,561 --> 01:55:03,563 Bob Dole is gorgeous! 1654 01:55:11,863 --> 01:55:13,614 Which one is the mother? 1655 01:55:16,868 --> 01:55:18,494 I just don't know. 1656 01:55:19,705 --> 01:55:20,913 Mazel tov. 1657 01:55:21,790 --> 01:55:24,333 As a sign of your union, you may kiss the bride. 1658 01:55:33,969 --> 01:55:35,553 I'm sorry.