Well, good news.
I found your car keys.
That's where I left them.
You know, you have the prostate of an 18-year-old.
Nice! I'd rather have his dick,
but you get what you get.
Next time, buy me dinner first.
That's a good one.
I like that joke.
I hadn't heard that before.
Come on. Why do I have to go?
Because
it's his weekend and you're not missing
your grandmother's wedding.
It's no fun there.
Last time he made me watch
an entire super bowl from 1979.
Who watches a 30-year-old football game?
He's always angry or pissed off...
Don't say that about your father.
It's not my fault he's an asshole.
We're not having this discussion.
Go get your bag.
Pick enterprise.
We'll pick you up.
In New York City,
the dedicated detectives who investigate
these vicious felonies are members of
an elite squad known as the special victims unit.
These are their stories.
Hello.
Ah, there you are.
Hello.
- Hey, Peter. - Sweetheart.
Mom, you look radiant.
- Thank you. - Hi, Sheila.
These are for mom's bunions.
If you want her on her feet in two hours,
you'll make sure she wears those.
Thank you, darling. That was sweet.
You know, Peter,
if ever you start questioning your sexuality,
I'd love to introduce you to my son, Jason.
- He's got a tight little butt. - Ooh.
I'll be downstairs if you need me.
- Thank you, Sheila. - Wow.
Good to know.
Good for Jason.
Where's Ethan?
Uh, he's here somewhere. Happy as a clam.
Oh, don't be discouraged.
You're a great dad.
Just love him
and be there for him.
And maybe loosen up a little.
I'm loose.
I mean...
I'm loose, whatevs.
Have you seen your brother yet?
Hmm? Oh, you invited him?
Life is so crazy, man.
One minute, you're napping in Maui, unemployed,
uneducated, 30 bucks to your name,
the next minute, some guy's walking up to you,
asking if he can put your picture
on a barbeque sauce bottle.
And the next minute
they're giving you three cents for every bottle they sell.
And the next minute
they're selling 30 million of these bad boys.
And then the next minute...
You're wearing a white leather jacket
and white high-tops to your mom's wedding.
Pete!
It is so good to see you.
I haven't seen this guy in two years.
Four. Actually.
- Has it been that long? - Mmm-hmm.
Shut the front door. Are you messing with me?
He loves messing with me.
- Are you messing with me? - I'm not.
God, you got to come over to Hawaii.
When are you gonna visit?
- Yeah... - Hey, kaylani! Come here!
I want you to meet someone really special to me.
Someone I've been sleeping with exclusively
for the past six months.
Wow, six whole months?
That's what I'm saying.
It's really special.
Aloha, Peter.
Hi.
Oh, okay.
I can feel your brother inside you.
I am inside you.
You are?
- Yeah. - Hmm.
We're twins.
That's called a honi.
That is a sacred Hawaiian greeting
that you just got.
Yeah.
Is that right?
So,
how psyched are you for mom finding true love again?
It's awesome.
God, I just wish dad could've been here to see this.
Yo, uncle Kyle!
Yeah?
You got to see this.
What's your boy's name?
It's Ethan.
You gotta meet Ethan. He is the best kid. Come on!
Do you take this man
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Beautiful!
You may kiss the bride.
Clink, clink, clink!
It's so nice to be here today.
There's a saying in Hawaii that goes
a little something like this...
That translates very simply as,
"life is alive once more inside of me
"from my love of you."
And, gene,
my mother's life is so alive right now
with you inside her.
- So, I want to raise a toast. - Hey now.
To mean gene
and the greatest mom on earth.
Cheers! Hey, l'Chaim, everybody!
Thank you, darling.
Cheers!
That went good.
What?
Yes.
- No way! - I'm serious.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. One more thing to say.
Wait, everybody hold on.
Forget about that 70-inch TV we gave you
because we've got another wedding gift.
You're finally gonna be a grandmother!
- Oh! - Yeah.
Yes!
I mean, a grandmother again!
I'm sorry, Pete.
My life is so perfect!
...an elite squad
known as the special victims unit.
These are their stories.
I told you, detective, i can press charges.
Out of respect for...
Shh. Let's cut to the chase, Nigel.
May I call you Nigel?
You see, Nigel,
I know that men have needs.
But when a wife can't fill those needs,
men have to look elsewhere.
Yes.
What the fuck?
I need to talk to both of you guys.
- What? - Okay.
Mom, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, okay. - Thanks.
- Boom! - What a beauty.
Boy, she is such a good actress.
Hot.
No, no, not her.
Boom.
- Now! - Mmm-hmm?
Foot fetish.
I like this guy.
No, no, not that.
Don't you see the resemblance?
The resemblance to who?
Our father!
He's alive!
To our father?
Are you on acid right now, Pete?
No, Kyle, look at his birthmark.
Yeah, I'm looking.
Mom, can you tell him this isn't our father.
He isn't your father.
Mom, I've been looking at his picture
every day since I was four years old.
That birth mark is unmistakable!
Honey, is everything okay?
Well, Pete is, uh,
lost touch with reality.
The man in the photos i gave you
wasn't actually your father.
Okay, what?
What?
Okay, he was a friend of mine from college.
He was an English exchange student.
He went back after graduation.
I just thought you'd never see him.
He's not my dad?
He was studying to be a botanist,
for crying out loud.
He's an orphan,
and then he got colon cancer.
No.
I made up all those stories about your father.
That he was an orphan, that he came from england.
That he died of colon cancer.
Wow.
The truth is,
and I probably should've told you a long time ago...
I think you should have.
I wasn't sure who your father was.
How does that work?
Yeah, how does that work?
Well,
you've got to understand...
It was the '70s. It was the crazy '70s.
It was disco era.
I was a young girl living in New York.
And if you went partying in places
like studio 54...
And, you know, everybody was high and fucking
and monogamy wasn't exactly a priority.
I mean, you just go in there and the mood, it would...
♪ Baby tonight hot stuff ♪
Remember that?
And then, you know, you just...
- We get it. - All these great people
in exactly the same situation you were,
feeling exactly the same thing you were in.
You would dance with them, you know,
and then you go and you just,
you know, you'd sleep with them.
It's true. The priority was smoking weed and fucking.
Well, sure, yeah.
Studio 54?
- How awesome is that? - Yeah.
Awesome?
You think this is awesome?
Well, it's not not awesome.
It helps to explain my zest for love making.
I've always wondered where I got that from.
Now we know.
I spent my whole life trying to honor my father's memory.
And you have.
What memory?
I stare at assholes all day long
because of a fictional man's colon cancer.
Pete, could you pivot into plastic surgery
or something less butt-related.
I mean, you're really smart, i don't see why not.
Kyle, how are you not freaking out right now?
Okay, that's not fair!
You can't tell people how to freak out.
Now I want everybody to calm down, all right?
I am so sorry, you guys,
but the light is going quickly.
It's the last chance for family photos.
Not a good time, Annie!
It's a perfect time, Annie.
Okay, just get a little bit tighter
and we'll get a nice family shot.
Oh, you guys look so good. Hold on.
This looks perfect.
Oh, so good!
That is going to be a good one.
You can't leave just yet.
We need mom and her sons.
Oh, good idea.
Okay. Come back up here.
I'm gonna need you guys looking forward,
big smiles.
Perfect, Kyle.
Oh, my god, Dr. Reynolds...
This means he's out there.
He's out there somewhere.
Not now, Peter.
Dr. Reynolds, if I can get you looking at the camera.
He's been out there this whole time.
That is true. I mean, who do you think it was?
As we got older, surely...
Was there someone that we started to remind you of?
Just stop it. Will you just please stop it.
None of the men I was with would have made a good father.
I was trying to protect you.
Protect yourself more like it.
Hey, wait a minute.
I need a name. I think you owe me a name.
I think you...
Hey, Reynolds!
Camera! Now!
Perfect.
We got it.
Fucking thank you.
I can't talk about this now, Peter.
Okay, she... mom has spoken.
Pete, you're spinning out of control literally.
Just calm down.
Stop telling me to calm down!
Okay?
I just need to know this!
Just give me something.
Please.
Terry bradshaw.
Four-time super bowl champion, Terry bradshaw?
Yeah.
The enterprise rent-a-car spokesman, Terry bradshaw?
Fox sports TV commentator, Terry bradshaw?
Yep. Terry bradshaw.
No, no, no.
That's insane!
We started dating
the fall of '74,
just after he gave up
his starting position to Joe Gilliam.
There's no way she would know who Joe Gilliam was.
Pete!
Wait, mom, this is...
Do you realize how incredible this is?
This is the guy you loved growing up!
Gene, he had every poster on the wall!
- I know... - Can I get a smile now?
Now, will you relax?
- I love Terry bradshaw. - I know!
He's the greatest!
- Yeah. - Yup.
Which raises the inevitable question,
why did you not
tell us
that the coolest man on earth was our father?
Well, he wasn't
the man you saw on TV.
He was violent.
He hit you?
No.
But as a football player
he was frequently violent.
As a football player?
Yeah, on Sundays.
Sometimes Monday nights.
Oh, on game days
he was violent... I got it.
Yeah, because that was his job.
That's what he did for a living!
Oh, my god!
Do you have any idea what my life might have been like
with Terry bradshaw in the picture?
I might even be in the NFL right now!
- Oh, come on! - Well, we don't know!
You didn't even make our middle school team.
That's because i didn't have Terry bradshaw
teaching me the fundamentals.
Oh, Peter, please, just please...
My life is basically crap right now,
and it's your fault.
That's not fair.
Pete. Hey!
Mom, let me talk to him.
Hey, Pete!
Pete, come here for a second.
Hey, Pete, where are you going?
Come on, you got to apologize.
Apologize for what?
Well, you're being really tough on mom.
Hey, what are you doing? No! You're not driving.
Look, maybe I blew my stack at mom.
It's just...
She kept dad from us.
I know.
What the hell?
You know how many times i just wanted to know him?
I just wanted him there to ask about
Ethan, about Katherine, about...
About everything, you know?
Yeah, I know how much you wanted that.
Yeah, I don't think you do, man. I just... well...
I can talk to him.
- Yeah. - It's Terry bradshaw.
I'm gonna go find him.
I'm gonna find dad.
Great! Let's do it.
- Oh, no. You can't come. - Oh, I'm coming.
You never gave a shit about dad.
He's my father, too!
I don't take my orders from you.
I take them from the universe.
And the universe wants us to go together.
You're not coming.
Wait, hold on, wait, who was that?
Hello, yes?
It's the universe?
Yeah.
You want me to go with my brother?
Pete doesn't want me to go.
Fuck him?
I know. You said it with a wink.
Okay. I love you, too.
That was the universe.
Now where does he live?
Miami.
Done. Miami.
That's where we meet him.
- We're going to Miami. - God damn it. Yes!
- Come on! - Fine.
You can come, but don't be annoying.
Let me look at you. Kiss.
Okay, what's our plan?
Um, we're still in good shape.
Mr. bradshaw will be
at the grand opening
of north Miami beach bradshaw motors.
- Yeah. - This afternoon.
Okay, well, that's where we're gonna meet him.
Yup.
By the way, thank you for letting me upgrade us.
I think you're gonna love first class.
I think it's kind of a waste of money.
Not when it's my money.
Look, Pete, money is never wasted
when it's spent on the ones you love.
Like a brother.
Or a jet ski.
Or a party boat.
Push play. Can I see that?
I hate to run. But not running is worse.
So, if I've got to run, it's going to be in the most...
Look at that Adonis.
That's our dad.
I can't believe it.
Mr. Reynolds...
Oh, and Mr. Reynolds.
- Are you guys married? - No.
We're just watching some footage on our father.
We're on our way to meet him
for the very first time.
So, we're a little nervous and a whole lot excited.
Aren't you just the sweetest thing.
If you think I'm sweet,
let me introduce you to big bro here.
He is like a ripe honeydew melon.
Ooh. A honeydew, huh?
I love honeydews.
Yeah, they're really yummy.
They're delicious.
There is this thing, though, you should know about fruit.
A lot of melons in particular. The skin
is a breeding ground for bacteria,
e.Coli and stuff.
It's just something to be aware of, you know.
Something to keep in mind
in your fruit-related endeavors moving forward.
He's a doctor.
Always saving lives.
Oh, a doctor.
Dr. Reynolds.
- I'll be careful. - Yes.
You're welcome. Be careful.
God!
What are you doing?
What?
You guys had some chemistry.
I was trying to facilitate it.
I think it's called being a wingman.
I don't need a wingman. All right?
I'm not on this trip to get laid.
Come on.
There was a little electricity there between you two.
Did you notice
a little chemistry there between them?
I bet she's a real cock tease.
Yeah, right. Stop projecting.
Listen,
how many women have you been with since the divorce?
Ten?
Yup. Ten.
And it's been a year?
- Three. - Ten in three years?
Yeah.
I'm really sorry. I had no idea.
I'm being sarcastic.
I haven't had sex with anyone since Katherine.
I haven't had sex with anyone besides Katherine.
We got married in college.
Remember?
What?
Welcome to Miami international airport.
Peter, Peter, Peter, is it like a physical thing?
- What? - Is it like a blood flow?
God, no!
No, my penis is fine!
Well, what is the deal?
Ever since the divorce,
I've been a little depressed, okay?
That makes sense. And it just...
Don't patronize me, okay?
You wouldn't know anything about that.
Of course I do. You don't think I know
what it's like to be depressed?
The saddest I've ever seen you is like...
I've never seen you sad!
You can't get into a contest...
That is actually sad.
...on who's more sad than the other guy.
That's weird!
No. It's weird that you keep...
Dr. Reynolds, good luck meeting your father.
Thanks. Good luck with your uniform.
No, I'm not going to let you do that anymore.
Do what?
Just deliberately self-sabotage. Okay?
The top mission is still bonding with dad.
Sub-mission is getting you laid.
Mission below that is gonna be having stone crabs.
Mission below that, swimming with dolphins.
Hey, when we get to the dealership,
you have to do all the talking.
You cannot be nervous, Peter. He's a regular guy,
just like us.
There you go.
Thank you.
Don't forget to buy a car.
Just kidding.
Hey, fellas, how you doing?
Hi, Terry bradshaw.
Yeah.
Is he okay?
Aw! Bless his heart.
You're one of my special fans, aren't you?
Hey, bub.
How you doing? God bless you.
Oh, no. He's not special.
No, no. I am special, Pete.
We're both special.
Do I know you?
Oh, I don't think so. I'd remember.
Really? Are you sure?
You really do look familiar.
- Show him. - Yeah.
Well, um...
Do you remember a woman named Helen Baxter?
Helen Baxter?
Helen Baxter...
Oh, my god.
Wow.
God.
Well, talk about a blast from the past.
This woman was something else.
She had the tightest ass you've ever seen.
I mean, awesome.
Yeah, but Helen was much more than that.
She had a mouth.
Oh!
And a tongue. Oh!
And I'm telling you,
it damn near cost us the super bowl.
Well, mom was a browns fan so...
Did you say that Helen is your mother?
Yeah.
Well, technically, I said it, sir, because we're...
We're both her sons. We're twins.
You're Helen Baxter's son?
We're both her boys, yes.
That is...
That is what we are saying. Yes.
How is she?
- Well, she's great. - Yeah.
You know, uh, she just got married.
And she's a lot different than how you remember her.
That's for sure.
Just a little.
Oh, my...
Say it.
You're my son, aren't you?
I... I think so.
Well, technically, we both are because,
like I was saying earlier, we're twins.
We're both her sons.
You're my son.
Yes.
Come here. Come here.
Oh, this is just amazing.
Oh, my god.
I had no idea that she was even pregnant.
You gotta believe me. Helen never...
She never said a word.
We know. Don't worry about it.
I mean, I can't believe this.
I mean, you guys have been out there the whole time.
- It's really emotional. - I know, yeah.
I already have a son. His name is Trent.
But he's kind of a nob. Do you know what I'm saying?
So is my son.
Oh, man. Do you have any plans?
You guys got anything to do?
No.
Look, why don't you come over to the house,
and we'll have some food and drinks.
- What do you say? - That would be incredible.
- Great. Yeah. - Okay?
Uh...
Pete, why don't you ride with me.
And, Donald... Donald, you can just follow, okay?
Okay. It's Kyle.
Is this your car?
Yeah. This is a '75 stingray.
It's my favorite car! Literally!
You like it? Really?
Here. You drive.
Donald, see if you can keep up.
- It's still Kyle. - Come on. Let's go.
You like this, huh?
This is amazing, Mr. bradshaw!
Please.
Just call me Terry, okay?
All right! Well then Terry it is!
Whoo!
Okay, take it easy, lead foot.
I'm in a Ford focus here.
Damn it, slow it down!
Hey, hey, I'm home!
Did you pick up the fresh garlic I needed?
The fresh garlic.
No, I didn't get the fresh garlic.
Got something better, though.
Oh, what did you pick up?
I picked up a son.
Pete. Say hi, Pete.
Hi.
How are you?
Pete.
This is a joke. Right?
No, no, this is not a joke.
His mother and I used to have unprotected sex all the time.
Don't worry, Pete. All right?
She knows all about my crazy past.
I'm Peter Reynolds. So glad to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, Peter.
Sweetie, could I have a word with you in the kitchen?
- Me? Okay. - Yeah.
Hey, Pete, make yourself at home.
My home is your home now.
- Can you believe I said that? - Yeah, I heard that.
I think we need to, kind of, just talk.
What? What do you wanna talk...
Listen, sweetie, this is insane, okay?
You can't just invite somebody into our home.
I mean, he could be, like,
a con artist looking for money.
- Money? You're serious? - Yes. Did you think about...
- Yes. - No way.
Pete!
Do you need money?
Are you here to rob us?
Oh, no, I'm good.
I'm a physician actually.
Did you hear that?
My boy is a doctor.
You're a doctor, son. Proud of you!
Thanks!
I've got a doctor in my family.
Go deep, Pete! Deep, deep!
Nice grab, Pete!
Atta boy! Great catch, son.
Way to go, babe.
I gotta tell you, Pete.
Had a bit of a colon cancer scare a few years back.
- Really? - Yeah.
Thank god I had a good gi doc.
I know you guys, you know, you catch a lot of guff.
But, man, it's a noble profession.
Noble as heck.
Really appreciate you're saying that.
Really do.
Be cool, man.
You know, when I first came into the league,
I was a bit of a hot head.
I mean, it didn't take so much as a slight breeze,
and god, I'd go off.
Hey, say hello to this guy.
Mr. powder keg. Horrible temper.
Shut the fuck up.
Your mother, boy,
she had this amazing Patience about her.
She had this way of channeling all my anger
into things that were good.
Not only on the field, but, you know, off the field.
God!
That woman just drove me crazy sometimes.
That sounds like mom.
I know one thing.
I wouldn't have made it through a single season
had it not been for your mom.
That's the truth.
God, I loved that woman.
I really did.
Wow. That's...
That's beautiful.
Hey, Terry.
Hey, you want to see someone who can catch,
hit me on a bomb.
Go, go.
Oh!
God!
Sorry, son.
Old habits die hard.
Rod Hamilton.
Big fan.
I played 10 years with that guy.
He missed me so much,
the bastard moved in next door.
Hey! You still got it, rod!
He caught the ball.
I love it.
He's still on the juice, baby.
He's still on the juice.
To rod.
Just demolished you.
You son of a bitch.
You need some advil.
Hey, rod.
Does the name Helen Baxter ring a bell?
Ring a bell?
It does more than ring a bell.
I think I just came in my pants.
- No, rod... - Damn, man.
That woman could fuck.
Oh, rod, you really might...
Look, the woman
was like a dick whisperer.
Like, she'd get all up inside the head of the dick
and know exactly what it wanted.
Yeah, she'd get all up in that shaft,
and then in them balls
and in the tip.
Ooh. I'm getting hard just thinking about it.
So, what makes you think about Helen Baxter?
- She's our mom. - Yeah.
I don't know no Helen Baxter.
Sounds like you did.
All we did was cuddle.
Word.
It's okay, rod, you didn't know.
It's a little awkward, but, yeah, she's our mom.
Hey, rod, turns out,
I'm their father.
- That's right. - How about that?
These are my boys. How about that?
- Whoa! - Yeah!
Congratulations.
Thank you. Cheers.
Evidently, I knocked Helen up sometime after super bowl ix.
Yeah, we were reading,
that's when you went off to Australia
to record the country and western album.
Cowboys and kangaroos, i believe was the name.
That shit was awful, wasn't it?
You realize what that means...
What?
We were conceived in Australia.
- Yeah. - We're aussies.
Out in the outback.
No, Pete.
You know, now that I think of it,
Helen didn't make that trip.
We got in this big fight
'cause she didn't have a passport.
God, I was such a jerk to her.
Wait, wait.
Isn't that when she started dating the wall street guy?
Yeah, that skinny, white dude,
he used to throw around his money and coke.
Roland.
Yeah, yeah, Roland. Roland hunt, asshole.
- Nobody liked him. - No.
Yeah.
What? No.
Terry.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait.
Look at him.
He actually looks like Roland.
No, I don't.
You know, you do. You do, Pete.
The, uh, eyes?
The nose?
The peanut head.
The long, skinny neck.
The mouth?
Yeah. The mouth.
No, he's right.
You just said Roland was an asshole, nobody liked him.
Why would mom sleep with him?
Charity fuck? I don't know.
No, no. We already figured this out.
Terry is our dad.
You're our dad, right?
Uh... no.
Gosh, fellas.
I don't know what to say.
I'm so sorry I'm not your dad. Really.
- That's all right. - Yeah.
- It's not your fault. - Donald. Thanks.
It's still Kyle.
Was that fun, throwing the ball on the beach?
So fun.
You guys are good, good hands.
I thought it was a blast.
I love you, Terry.
Yeah. Okay.
We'll see you down the road.
All right, man. All right. Y'all be good, hear?
You take care, Mr. bradshaw.
I will.
Hey, tell your mom I said hi. All right?
Yeah.
All right. See you guys!
Hey, maybe you'll get along even better with Roland.
Aren't you bummed out Terry bradshaw's not our dad?
How fucking cool would that be?
Listen,
the universe is saying look 'em up.
And the universe has a tendency to point you
in the right direction if you listen to it.
I found a Roland hunt,
investment banker, in beacon, New York.
Two hours north of Manhattan.
All right, looks like we're going to New York.
Make it quick!
I'm pulling out in 30 seconds.
Time me.
I want to get to Roland's office by noon.
Twelve. 13. 14.
Alex, stop it.
Stop it, Alex. Get back here right now.
No! It stinks!
You got a jail break there.
Sorry, man.
I'd come out if I could.
Just let me know if he's bothering you.
He's doing good.
I actually got a bun in the oven, too.
Whoa. I got a call. Alex, excuse me.
Kapono, talk to me.
What? No, no, you're breaking up.
They're going another way?
What does that mean?
Hey! Whoa, whoa! Hey! Whoa!
I've got flip-flops on!
Is he peeing on you?
Yeah, has he done this before?
Unfortunately, yes. It's a real problem.
Sir, this is crazy,
but you're going to have to pee on my kid.
You want me to pee on your kid?
Please, dad to dad.
He needs to learn consequences.
I'm not going to...
Do you hear that, Alex? Is that what you want?
Stop!
There! Yeah.
Chaos theory.
He started it.
I swear. This is justified.
Hey. That kid had it coming.
How much did Ethan cost?
Well, we didn't buy him.
To raise him. I know you guys didn't buy him.
Um, well...
Four more years of private school,
four years of college, tutors, summer camp.
Every single apple product that ever comes out.
Uh, once all said and done, we're probably pushing a mil.
A million dollars?
To raise a kid?
What do you care? You're loaded.
Besides,
"money's never wasted on the ones you love." Right?
No, I know. I was just worried about you and Ethan.
Good thing Roland's a financial wizard, right?
I thought we were going to his office.
This is all residential.
Maybe he works from home.
Destination is on your right.
Why are you copying me?
- I just did that. - I'm not copying you.
I did all of those things.
You weren't touching this thing.
This is cold.
So?
I don't think anyone's been here for hours.
Door knob tell you that?
These are painted shut.
So, what? Kyle, where are you going?
Come on! Kyle.
This is locked.
Of course it's locked. He's not home.
Come on. What are you doing?
You hear those vibrations?
You're hearing vibrations?
'Cause I'm getting a weird vibe.
Oh. Oh, god.
Looks like you picked the wrong house, motherfuckers.
Pete, don't do anything funny.
Why would you put that in his head?
No karate.
Fucking no karate.
I haven't done karate in 30 years.
He's got a gun. And that beats karate.
Shut the fuck up.
What the fuck kind of b & e guys are you two assholes?
We're not robbers.
We're just looking for a guy named Roland hunt. That's it.
What do you want with him?
He dated our mom, Helen Baxter, in the '70s.
Oh, shit!
You guys are Lenny Baxter's kids?
You called her Lenny?
You're Roland hunt?
I can't believe I almost shot one of Lenny Baxter's kids!
That is hilarious.
And gave this one a heart attack.
Yeah. Almost took you both out.
Two for one.
I mean, I guess you probably don't think
it's that funny, but...
Oh, fuck, yeah, I'm sorry about the gun.
Listen, I only got this
because we got a lot of break-ins
in the neighborhood. Got it for protection.
Better safe than sorry.
Honestly, I don't even like holding the thing.
Here, you take it.
- No, no, no. - Come on in the house, boys.
I thought you were gonna flip him.
You're dangerous.
Mom! We got company!
Mom!
Could that be grandma?
Hello!
Hi!
Roland! They got a fucking gun!
- No. - Don't hold it like that.
Drop the fucking gun, motherfucker.
Fuck! It's just the gun you handed me,
like, a minute ago.
Oh, right. Yes. God damn it. So sorry. Shit!
I don't know what's going on with me.
It's tense with all the break-ins
in the neighborhood.
I'm really sorry.
Putting this down.
You should've seen your faces, though.
You looked like you shit yourselves.
They looked scared as shit.
Right?
Come on and say hi to mom.
You're holding it in such a threatening way.
You can't do that.
Hey, mom, it's okay.
These are Lenny Baxter's kids. You remember Lenny?
Oh, Lenny.
What a sweet man!
So, what are you doing here?
Is everything okay with your mom?
Everything's good. We're on a quest.
And I'll just cut right to the chase.
Did you know Lenny
between April and may of 1975?
Know her, like, in a biblical sense.
Sorry.
No, she's heard it all.
Okay.
Yeah. '75, that sounds about right. Yeah.
Why do you ask?
We think we're your sons.
Your boys.
Me and Pete.
You're our dad.
Hi.
Will you just excuse me for a minute?
That was one of the most powerful things
I've ever seen.
He just inhaled us.
Yeah.
Did you smell him?
- You smelled him? - Yes!
What did he smell like?
He smelled like
- home. - Home?
Fuck this! No!
There is no fucking way
those two jackasses are my kids!
They don't even fucking look like me!
The one with the beard
has your beautiful eyes.
Big fucking deal.
Fuck 'em! They look like
a couple of total fucking dickheads!
Oh... we are not descended from that.
That's not our dad.
Would you boys like anything to drink?
I would love a hinano beer.
I'll see if we have one.
It's an awesome tahitian beer.
She is so adorable.
I'm out of here.
If he is our father, i don't want to know.
Come on, Pete.
He's in shock, all right? I'm getting good energy here.
Based on what?
We are all out of mojumbo.
But
Roland has something that he'd like to say to you.
I'm sorry.
I don't think they heard you.
I'm sorry!
Well, three time's the charm.
Oh, this is just such a blessing.
I'm finally a grandma.
Well, I'm gonna go finish up.
Well, listen. It's a pleasure. Really.
Something I want to show you guys. Come here.
Go ahead, guys.
After you.
Are you happy?
He's gonna kill us down here.
He's not going to kill us.
Yes, he is.
Is there a light down here?
No, that bulb's out.
You can use your phone, I guess.
Did you bring the gun?
No, i did not bring the gun.
- Damn it. - I left it upstairs.
Take a left at the bottom of the stairs.
Oh, my god.
Why are there mannequins?
Pete, I'm scared.
How are the vibes now, Kyle?
Not good.
There we go.
Now...
I think this is it.
Pete, you want to do the honors?
Oh, shit!
That is the wrong box.
Sorry.
Uh...
Gotta be this one.
Okay.
I'll do it for you.
No rodents.
Go ahead.
Is that mom?
What?
Oh, my god.
Look at you guys.
You look incredible.
Yeah, she looks really happy.
She was
just an amazing woman.
Okay.
You don't have to tell us what an amazing lay she was,
and how suckable
her candied nipples are...
What the hell is the matter...
This is your mom we're talking about. Jesus.
Pete! That's not appropriate!
Sorry, Roland.
Whatever, anyway.
My point being,
she's the only woman i ever truly loved.
Oh, man.
I think that's why I got a little kind of
bent out of shape upstairs there
when you guys dropped the bombshell on me,
and, honestly, i was just kind of
regretting what might have been.
Hmm.
I mean, I'm not exactly living the dream here.
Sometimes, um...
You just...
Sometimes you just find yourself
not where you want to be.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Thanks, Pete.
Well, I got a work thing, guys. I gotta go. Sorry.
What, you got like a little wall street deal going on?
No. I'll tell you what I've learned.
You've got to diversify.
And I don't care if you're making
10 grand a year or 10 million.
You don't want it all coming from one place.
That's how guys get burned.
Really?
Oh, yeah. Don't want all your eggs in one basket.
Come on.
Lately, I've been doing
a lot of work with creditors.
Helping them to reacquire merchandise
when the debtor can no longer afford the payments.
Oh, like a repo man.
Yeah, exactly.
Of course now, I gotta call
a fucking cab just to do this job.
We can give you a ride, right?
Oh, no, I couldn't impose on you guys.
Oh, come on.
Besides, it can be dangerous, repo work.
You know, people don't like
having their stuff taken from them.
Hey, people don't like having their anuses probed either,
but that's how I've made a living the last 12 years.
As a doctor.
Oh.
Come on. Let us help you.
So, what happens
if they show up while you're doing this?
Well...
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, you know?
If he does show up,
you can expect to hear some top-shelf bullshit.
Is that right?
"Repossessed? I've never even missed a payment!
"Got to be a computer error."
That is classic bullshit.
They're late on their child support,
they'll even deny they have kids.
What?
God! Just sick.
Got to love that sound, huh, Pete?
- There you go. - Oh, wow!
Plus, there's only going to be room for
- two of us, so who draws... - Shotgun!
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
No, no. No worries.
We're within our legal rights here.
Just doing our jobs.
What the fuck you doing to my property?
Your car's being repossessed.
I'd advise you to just stand back
and let us do our jobs.
You're going to repossess my car?
I've never missed a single payment.
Guys, this has got to be some kind of computer error.
Check your little computer things, and you'll find out.
Two for two.
My god!
Word on the street is you even missed
your child support payments.
Come on, man.
Hey, genius, i don't have any kids.
I'm sorry. Paying your bills,
very basic adult responsibility.
- Yup. Well said, Pete. - Thank you.
This is insanity. I'm calling the police.
Well, feel free,
but it is going to be pretty embarrassing
when I show them the paperwork.
I left it in the car.
Kyle, can I have the keys?
And I'll run down there and get it.
Give him the keys.
Thank you.
And make sure they don't escape in the old Ferrari.
Make sure I don't steal my own car.
We got this. We got this.
- Yeah, Pete's got this. - Deadbeat asshole.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Let me tell you something, mcenroe,
you're not too big to fail.
That's right.
You failed today.
Because we're taking your Ferrari.
You just double faulted.
And the bank broke your serve.
- You know what, buddy? - What?
Life isn't about just accumulating stuff.
All right?
The fast cars and the big house in Hawaii
and the white clothes
and the model girlfriend.
This is freaking New York!
This is my wife. Hello.
You think I'm a model?
Well, he doesn't think you're a model, you're 5'2".
Yeah, she's got a wedding ring.
I didn't see the wedding ring.
Oh, my god. You know what?
This ain't worth it. Fine, you guys are right.
I'll just cut you a check.
Could we just end this, please?
Do me a favor, go get the check book.
It's in the closet. My side of the bed, please?
- Okay. - Thank you.
All good.
Yeah, it's me. That Ferrari didn't work out.
You know anybody who can move a Chevy Malibu?
All right, call me back.
You gotta be kidding me.
Damn it, Lenny.
Where's Roland?
He's coming.
- Honey! - Yeah?
I've got the check book.
Great.
Come on, let's go!
Give me the gun. Don't point it at me!
- We're taking the Ferrari! - Pete!
Do it for dad!
Come on!
Babe, give me the gun!
- Shit! - Go, go, go!
Let go of the fucking gun!
Stop!
Roland, we got it!
We got the car!
Stop!
Oh, shit.
God!
What was that?
I think it was a person.
Roland!
Oh, my god, you killed dad!
- Roland! - Dad!
Dial 911!
So, I guess dad's a bad guy.
Oh, yeah.
I understand how Luke Skywalker felt now.
Yeah, seriously.
She's really beautiful.
She looks great here.
Glowing.
Roland even looks good. Who's this?
Who's this guy with the scratched out face?
Excuse me, doc.
Doc, any word?
Well, the good news is that he's in stable condition.
- Great! - Okay. All right.
The bad news, however,
is that his blood is ab positive.
What? That doesn't sound...
No, no, it's just that
the blood you gave is o negative.
Negative? Mine is?
It means that, uh,
he can't be our father.
Genetically.
You can go in and see him if you like.
Thank you.
You're awake. How you doing there, champ?
Mmm, feeling no pain.
Yeah.
Sorry we ran over you.
And sorry you're going to jail.
Be good to get off the hamster wheel.
I hear ya.
Hey, Roland, let me ask you something.
When did you know
that we weren't yours?
I don't know,
like, two minutes ago when the doc told me.
Unbelievable.
So, as far as you knew,
you were intentionally duping
your own sons into committing a felony?
Yeah. So? Whatever.
Don't be such a fucking pussy about it.
My dad was an asshole, too. He ran out, he was a crook.
Life sucks. Life is hard.
Get over it.
Life is hard, Pete.
Wait a minute. You know what?
Fuck! I should've known you guys weren't mine.
'75 you said, right?
Spring of '75?
Right.
I started dating Lenny in '74.
By the spring of '75,
I was doing my first stint in the joint.
I got busted dealing coke in this nightclub
by some fucking disco-permed,
roller-skating, motherfucking narc.
Wait.
You mean this guy.
Yeah. That's the guy.
I don't know what pissed me off more, he put me in jail
or he started schtupping your mom
the second I was behind bars.
This guy was schtupping our mother?
Hey.
That guy is your fucking dad.
I should've known. You look like a couple of junior narcs.
Well, do you have a name?
Give me 1,000 bucks and I'll tell you.
- Fuck you! Come on, Kyle. - Pete...
Okay, nice meeting you.
Roland...
Would you take $400?
- Sparkly p? - Yup.
You just paid Roland $1,000 for the name sparkly p!
You got conned, Kyle!
I paid him $680 and I had $1,000.
I conned him. Yeah!
And now I think we're ready to make a little inquiry
into this sparkly p character.
Yeah? Where? The white pages?
Huh? The glitter store?
Do you realize how insane you sound?
We're going home!
You're just gonna give up?
We almost got killed!
We? Roland almost got killed. What are you talking about?
We just had one of the best adventures of our lives.
No, we didn't.
What happened to
Mr. "i won't rest until we find our dad"?
The universe doesn't like quitters, Pete.
You know what? Fuck the universe!
The universe sucks!
Don't say that.
You realize this whole time it's been telling us it's time
to shut down operation who's your daddy?
That's a good name for it, Pete.
That's a good name for the quest.
But before we close the book on operation who's your daddy,
let me say one thing, Pete...
It's too late. Kyle, book is closed.
- That's it? - Yup. That's it.
- You don't want to hear it? - No!
I got us on the 10:00 P.M. flight out of jfk.
That is what we're doing.
Look at this poor guy.
No one will even give him the time of day.
Well, we're not stopping.
We're not picking up a hitchhiker.
What do you think is gonna happen?
You think he's gonna just murder you, rob you, rape you?
Yeah. All three.
Okay, all of the above. Look at him.
I am looking at him.
You know somebody your whole life,
and then you wake up and you realize
you've been lying next to a racist.
What? It's not 'cause he's black.
It's 'cause he's a stranger
and a hitchhiker
and could very easily be a serial killer.
There are no black serial killers, Pete.
That's a fact.
Just don't make eye contact, please?
Because then I'll have to pull over,
and it'll be awkward
and we'll have to give him a ride and all that. Just...
You're looking in his direction.
I'm not looking.
You're totally turning your head.
- My eyes are wandering. - I'm watching you.
Look this way.
- Pete, I'm not looking. - Look out the left.
You're totally looking right at him.
My peripheral vision.
Oh, god damn it!
What? I didn't look at him!
- Ah, he got me. - What?
I blew it. That one's on me.
- You made eye contact? - Yeah.
Shit.
We're still not picking him up,
so let him down easy.
Hey, how you doing?
You stopped. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you both.
- You're welcome. - Thank you so much.
Even if you don't give me ride,
thank you just for stopping.
I was beginning to think
black was the new invisible out here.
You know what I mean? The gesture means a lot.
Where are you headed?
North. Worcester, mass.
Just trying to get to my kid's birthday tomorrow.
We're really sorry. We're going south.
We're going to jfk, so...
How about this?
There's a train station,
it's like two miles south. You take me there?
Now, I don't see why...
Are you fucking crazy?
I'm gonna have to ask you...
We got a nervous Nelly here.
So I know this is gonna sound like a funny question,
but are you a serial killer?
No. No.
I get it. There's a lot of nuts out there.
I am a stranger, i am a hitchhiker...
Satisfied?
...but I swear to you, i am not a serial killer.
- Hmm... - Well, did you notice how you
emphasized the word "serial,"
which makes it sound like
you're a killer, just not a serial one.
Oh, man, okay.
Now that was totally unintentional.
I promise you that.
Didn't mean that.
But you're still not saying, "I'm not a killer."
It seems like that's what a non-killer would say.
I'm an idiot, man. Idiot!
I've been a non-killer too long
to not know the non-killer rules.
You know what I mean?
How about this? We'll give you a ride...
Are you fucking crazy?
Let me finish, Pete.
We can give you a ride to the station,
but, and this is a pretty big but,
only if we can tie you up.
That way you can't rape
or kill or murder Mr. paranoia here.
Uh...
You okay?
Those aren't too tight, are they?
Almost kill you. Can't kill you.
Don't even joke around
with our driver.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm still not getting a phone signal here.
Are you sure there's a train station this way?
100%. I grew up one town over.
I used to play ice hockey at the rink across the street.
Just make a left up there.
I don't see street signs.
We are fucked.
Fucked!
We're gonna miss our flight.
- Take it easy, Pete. - Do you realize that?
Okay, then we'll catch another one.
Okay? It's not a big deal.
Classic Kyle! Nothing's ever a big deal. Must be nice.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am sensing a very disturbing vibe here.
Pete, are you mad at your brother about something?
Yes! I'm mad! And it's probably obvious.
There's like a rage pulsing through his entire body.
Classic Pete right here.
Luckily, I'm sort of the Pete whisperer.
I always know how to calm this guy down.
- Ah... - Good.
Let me turn on a little music
and just lullaby you into just relaxing.
- Wow. - There.
A, please don't patronize me and b, no music, okay?
I just need to focus right now.
Well, I think music will help you guys relax.
Makes a great point.
You can't focus if you're too tense, Pete.
I just need it quiet, okay?
What are you, 10?
Can't you just listen to music?
No! I don't want to listen to music.
Enough with the fucking radio, Kyle!
Oh, that was...
That was brilliant. Go get 'em, you idiot.
I'm not gonna go get 'em.
Untie me, I'll go get 'em.
We're not gonna get the keys
until you tell me what your problem is with me.
We're going to be here a while
because I have a million problems with you.
- Like what? - Yeah. Elaborate, Pete.
All you've ever done is rub your amazing life in my face.
Your trophies and your friends
and your black amex and your sunsets.
Sorry for sending you sunsets.
I love sunsets.
Growing up was literally
like watching the Kyle Reynolds show
24 hours a day.
Girls just liked you more.
Pete, I thought you liked hearing about my hook-ups
the same way I liked hearing about your hook-ups.
What hook-ups?
The girl you went out with in ninth grade.
Remember her, with the glasses and the bad skin?
- Pamela hartley. - Yes!
Yeah, she only dated me to get to you.
And guess what? The second her skin cleared up,
he banged her.
Not cool, Kyle. I'm team Peter.
You even had the balls to come home
and brag about how you nailed her
in the back of a papa John's.
That girl that i messed around with
at papa John's didn't even wear glasses.
Mistaken identity. Back on team Kyle.
Guess what?
Junior year, she got contacts
and her skin cleared up and you banged her
right after having a sausage lover's pizza, apparently.
"This chick loves sausage, Pete."
I don't remember that.
If I have to hear about your goddamn
barbeque sauce fortune one more time.
The picture on the bottles could be literally anybody!
And you've lucked out your entire life.
The way you've lived,
you should be broke and homeless,
not chillaxing on a beach
with your perfect girlfriend and your perfect house
and your soon-to-be perfect family!
Fuck you!
Stop blaming me for everything.
You know, just because you think your life sucks. Okay?
Take some responsibility
for some of the decisions you made.
You decide to go ahead and marry
the first girl you ever mess around with,
and then, big shocker, it doesn't work out?
You decide to look at assholes for a living.
That's my fault?
Spent your whole life trying to impress a dead guy.
It's not my fault. It's your fault.
In fact, maybe if you tried
to be like me a little bit more,
you wouldn't be such a miserable dick!
And your son wouldn't hate you!
God damn it.
God damn it! You broke my glasses.
Fuck!
Guys, use your words.
Fuck you, Kyle!
I hate conflict.
Fuck you!
Asshole!
Hey, guys, my negro spider senses is tingling.
I think we may be on a choo-choo track.
While you were lying on a beach in Maui, I was home,
taking care of mom!
I don't like this.
Yup, that is definitely a choo-choo train.
Mom is an independent vibrant sexual woman!
Okay.
Stop taking care of people!
It's not the soul train, guys.
You want to stop fighting and look out the window...
Motherfuckers, we're on the motherfucking railroad tracks!
There's a train coming!
There is a train!
Get me off the tracks!
Train. Pete, get out!
Help! Now!
Get out!
My seatbelt!
Kyle!
Pete!
Kyle!
Pete!
Kyle!
Pete!
Yes!
Yeah!
No. They're literally
replacing me with a monkey or a seal,
some kind of animal.
Because apparently animals don't get residuals.
A monkey can't do your job.
How much do you have left?
Not as much as I owe.
Yeah, I'll probably have a repo man
showing up at my house in a few weeks.
Take my ferraris back.
Ferraris, plural?
Three.
You are incorrigible.
I'm just an idiot, Pete. You said so yourself.
You're not an idiot, Kyle.
You're not, you're just...
What?
You're overly optimistic.
That's all.
That's a nice way to put it.
Well, I don't know.
Who am I kidding?
I honestly started thinking
that kaylani and our kid
would be better off without me.
Maybe I ought to just bail now.
For their sake because then, maybe, kaylani
could tell the kid a cool story the way mom did.
"Yeah, your dad was base jumping into a volcano
"and the lava got him."
Or I was a brilliant doctor, like you.
You have the kindest heart of anyone I have ever met.
And a little while ago, i thought I lost you forever,
and it was the worst feeling I've ever felt.
No one's better off without you, Kyle.
You're gonna be a great dad.
You know how you were always asking mom about dad?
I wasn't that curious.
I think because I had you.
What?
Yeah, I had a lot of friends and girlfriends
and people that love me
because I'm, kind of, you know,
bon vivant, a raconteur,
or whatever you want to say.
But you never thought i was any of those things,
but you were still there.
Getting on me.
"Hey! Don't jump off the roof into the pool.
"You'll break your neck.
"Here, let me show you how to tie your tie."
Always kind of thought
that was the type of stuff our dad would've been saying.
I'm sorry about your glasses.
Don't be.
I don't need them.
What do you mean?
I don't need glasses.
I have 20/20 vision.
What?
Yeah, I just had this image
of who I thought I should be
and glasses fit the bill.
There you go.
That's why you're brilliant.
Why did I wear glasses for 20 years?
Because you're an idiot.
I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm a big dumb idiot.
Boom! That's right.
"Oh, my god! I'm still alive!"
And that's basically how it all went.
It's crazy. This is one night we're talking about.
Yeah.
I guess we missed our flight.
You want to check and see when the next one is?
Nope.
I feel
very confident that the universe
is telling us to proceed
with operation who's your daddy.
Are you messing with me?
We started this goddamn mission
to find our father together,
and we are gonna finish it together.
Come hell or high water.
God damn it, that's the spirit!
Let's do this!
We're going in!
This is happening!
Thank you for driving all the way
out here with the new rental.
Appreciate it.
Okay, guys, i think these might be yours?
Yes, sir. Thank you.
All right.
That's gonna be one big fucking insurance mess.
But we got everything we need,
so you're free to go.
Thanks a lot, officers.
It's no problem.
Really appreciate it.
What now? How do we find sparkly p?
- Leg work. - Yes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just say "sparkly p"?
Yeah.
- The police officer... - From the '70s?
Yeah.
You've heard of him?
Are you kidding me?
There's not a cop in the whole state who hasn't.
Yeah.
Patrick o'Callaghan aka sparkly p.
Had one of the biggest coke busts in history.
We spent like two weeks
studying him back in the academy.
The guy's a legend.
Holy shit, Pete. We could be Irish.
Yes!
I'm Irish, too, on my sister's side.
You know where to find him?
So, I just talked to my buddy in the force
and apparently Mr. Patrick o'Callaghan
retired the NYPD back in '86.
This right here is his last known address.
If anyone comes asking,
I didn't tell you shit.
I'm trusting you with this.
Don't fuck me.
Not gonna fuck you.
What?
- Guess where he lives? - Where?
You're not gonna believe this.
Worcester, mass.
Worcester, mass!
You've been leading us there the whole time!
It's the universe, Pete. The universe is magic!
I'm magic. I'm a magic man.
All right. Okay. I guess we're all going home.
Well,
thanks for letting me keep a little souvenir.
Sure.
This has been magnificent. Thank you, guys.
I appreciate your assistance.
Have a good night.
Hey!
Yeah?
We don't even know your name.
Oh, Kyle,
you've known it the whole time.
That's beautiful.
I think he's messing with us.
No, he's not.
- Yeah, yeah. - No.
He was messing with us.
Ding!
May we get a room?
Your cheapest room, please.
Well, every room in here is cheap, so...
Sorry?
Every room in here is really cheap.
Okay. Here you go.
We're gonna nab one from ya.
So, just the one room?
Mmm-hmm.
One night?
Yeah.
Two beds.
Oh. Um...
Can we still get food and drinks at the bar?
Right back there behind you.
Food for about another
10 minutes, and drinks till 2:00.
Till, sorry?
Till 2:00.
You're going to have to speak up, biz markie,
'cause I can't hear you.
For 10 more minutes,
and drinks until 2:00.
Okay.
Hey, do you remember
when mom tried to teach us about sex?
Yeah.
You had already papa John'd
half the girls at school at that point.
Turns out, we probably should have listened to her.
Amen.
It's like we passed up basketball tips
from Michael Jordan, as it turns out.
We really did.
I'm gonna hit the head. Excuse me.
Hi, excuse me. I couldn't help but notice
that you're
crying.
No. I'm fine.
I often have that effect on women.
Just not usually this fast.
Sorry. I'll leave you alone.
No. You know what, please don't.
Just sit.
Buy me a drink.
All right.
Another...
Scotch on the rocks.
Oh, nice.
- Make that two. - Right up.
Thank you.
So,
want to talk about it?
No.
No sob stories.
I like that rule.
Cheers.
No sob stories.
All right.
Do you want to talk about
that?
- This? - Mmm-hmm.
Uh... well...
I can't.
Why?
Because I'm a secret agent.
I don't think you were supposed to tell me that part.
Well...
Why don't you let me worry about
how secret agent-ing works,
seeing as how I am the secret agent.
You're right.
You should see the other guy.
Sorry to interrupt, Peter.
I just got an urgent call from the client.
I'm gonna have to go in.
Apparently old Gary Peterson
really shat the bed on the lbj proposal.
Guy's just useless.
He's been screwing up since the beginning.
Anyway, I'm gonna go in the office,
I'm probably going to spend the night,
and I will see you tomorrow, okay?
Are you sure?
I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
All right.
Was that the other guy?
He looks like shit.
That guy's actually my partner.
He's another secret agent.
See, you keep saying "secret,"
but then you keep telling me about it.
I am failing at this job.
I will tell you this...
I'm also a secret agent.
No!
Sent here to kill you.
What?
That drink, it's poison.
Wait, what?
Sorry.
You surreptitiously poisoned me?
Surreptitiously.
You're so good. I had no idea this is poison.
Yeah! That's, like, almost all poison.
No, taste mine. You'll taste the difference.
- Little bit. - Yeah.
Mmm.
Poison.
There is a little difference, yeah.
- Yeah. - I do taste that.
So, I'm sorry to tell you, but two hours left to live.
Well, guess I'd better make these two hours count.
Yeah, you better.
Yeah.
My name is Sarah.
Code name babydoll.
Well, Sarah, my name's Peter.
Code name...
Pinky pants.
I've heard about you.
Yeah, I'm legendary.
Well,
here's to your last two hours.
Hi. Hey! Can you see me?
- Aloha. - Aloha.
Are you ready for naked facetime?
Yeah.
I'm wearing your favorite bra.
Oh, my gosh.
Wait, why aren't you naked?
- Um... - Where are you?
I'm actually in the car. I'm just kind of settling in.
I'm trying to give Pete a little privacy
because he met a girl.
Oh.
Hey.
Got some room service out here.
Yeah, bet you don't deliver
out to the parking lot too much,
but I'm just trying to give my brother some privacy.
Here, wave to kaylani. That's the room service guy.
Hi, room service dude.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay.
I might get some breakfast later.
No problem.
How's your trip been?
Hey, honey,
there's something i need to tell you.
Is everything okay?
No, everything's going great with the trip.
It's kind of a recent setback.
What's up?
I think it's gonna be good, actually.
There's so many buttons.
- Here... - Help.
I'll help and go from the bottom.
- Here we go. - Help.
Oh, god. That's really slowing me down.
Oh, my god. You have buttons.
Listen, there's something you should know.
What?
I don't manscape.
Well, what are we working with?
Well, here you go.
Oh, no.
It is what it is.
Works for me.
Ahoy!
Good morning.
Yes. Yes.
Any news to report?
Um...
You are incorrigible.
Where is she?
I don't know actually. I woke up and she was gone.
You experienced a pure one-night stand.
Do you know how rare that is?
You were visited by an angel last night.
Plain and simple.
Well, she did, she did leave a note.
"Thanks for a really fun night. I needed it."
"I needed it!"
Guess who gave it to her? This guy!
I just like seeing you giddy.
You're just gleeful.
This is the Pete I've been trying to get.
Come on, worcester!
Come on.
Okay.
You have arrived at your destination.
This is it.
Sparkly p likes to party.
Breathe.
What is going on?
Dad gets clemens to come
and pitch batting practice for us at the park.
Fucker beaned me,
like, twice but still greatest day of my life.
Hey, fellas. Welcome.
Thank you.
There's beer, liquor.
There's food in the back.
Make yourselves at home.
Hey, I am so fuckin' happy you're my brother.
I love you so much.
I love you too, bro. You know.
Okay. Sorry to interrupt. Do you know if paddy's here?
Oh, yeah. Dad's inside.
Come on. He's in the study. I'll take you over. Come on.
Oh, dad's over there, guys.
So, how do you guys know my dad?
Liam, Sean needs your help changing the keg.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
Sorry, fellas, my brother's a moron.
Hey. Watch your mouth.
That's my boyfriend you're talking about.
My fuckin' 10-year-old cousin can change a keg.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, man.
I'm sorry we're too late.
I would have really loved to get to know you.
He seems like a good man.
Raised a good family.
Did he just die?
Presumably, yeah.
Do you think he died in the line of duty?
Paddy o'Callaghan
was many things to many people.
There was no role he treasured more
than being a father.
And I know there's no one
he would rather hear from right now
than his dear sweet daughter.
Are you okay to talk, hon?
Thank you, father.
My father and I
didn't always get along.
He was a cop who saw the worst in people.
That's the girl from last night.
He practically arrested this...
No.
That's babydoll.
I saw...
Oh, my god.
We've all slept with the wrong woman.
Yeah, but it's our sister.
No, I know. But I've slept with some squirrelly women.
Super squirrelly.
It doesn't matter how squirrelly they are,
they're not our sister.
No, listen to me. It didn't happen, okay?
It didn't happen. Just erase it.
It didn't happen!
Is that why it was so good?
I'm a monster.
I love you, pop.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
- We have to go. - No!
Stop. Peter. Peter, stop.
Peter!
The fuck!
What the fuck! Sean!
It wasn't fucking me.
Did he get you?
Don't touch! Oh, my... Get your...
Hey, douchebag!
- Where's the apology? - Whoa. Hey. I'm sorry.
- Where's the apology? - Jesus!
What were you talkin' about?
Just let us go.
Why are you not apologizing?
Hey, stop. Come here. Stop it.
Contact, bro?
Contact in o'Callaghan's yard?
Okay, just stop! Hold it!
In my yard?
Hey! We just want an apology!
Come on, just say you're sorry.
- I'd really rather not. - Peter, come on!
Summer's over, you ready for the fall?
Don't be prideful. Come on, just...
I'm not being prideful.
It's hard to apologize when i just got shoved off a porch.
Charged up!
I saw you spill the drink on the girl. She's soaked.
That's true, and I am sorry about that.
Okay, but don't tell me, tell them! Just say it.
- Fine! - Fuck you guys!
I'm sorry!
To who?
To the douchebag's girlfriend.
Close enough.
- It's too late. - What?
Look, you can't move the goalpost.
They moved.
He just apologized.
That's more than I've ever gotten from him.
Come on, you're lucky we're not demanding an apology!
He wants an apology.
Here's an apology, bro.
- That's an o'Callaghan sorry. - Whoa!
I got his ankle, Pete!
I got him in a foot lock.
I'm gonna sprain his ankle.
Hey, hey! What are you boys doing? Get up!
What the hell's going on, boys? Huh?
Whoa!
Paddy!
He's alive!
It's not paddy, you idiot.
That's our uncle Kevin.
He's paddy's twin brother.
My brother's lying dead in there.
Show a little respect.
- For Christ's sake. - Peter?
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Wait a minute, you know this d-bag?
Yeah.
Wait, is this the guy from last night?
What guy from last night?
Is he why you didn't come home?
Did you fuck our sister?
- Oh, god. - Language.
Did you eff our sister?
That's better.
Stop it, you guys. I'm a grown woman!
Easy. She's right, boys. Easy.
Come on. We're acting like animals.
I'm pretty sure that your sister's had sex before,
and I can tell you that Peter is a considerate lover.
- Oh, god! - I'll vouch for that.
You come to my home.
To my father's wake the day after fucking my sister?
I'm going to break your dick.
Liam, hold off.
I know I was saying relax a couple of seconds ago.
But if someone came over to my house
and effed my grieving sister,
I'm pretty sure that I'd want to
just rip him limb to limb, okay?
I'd want to just mutilate his ass.
What?
Deservedly.
But guess what?
What?
Someone did just eff my grieving sister.
- Yeah. - What?
Peter, do the honors. Chime in.
- No! - Chime in.
I don't think we should do the honors.
Liam, Sean, darling Sarah...
Paddy's our father. You're our brothers.
You're our sister.
What?
What the fuck are you talking about?
What the hell is going on?
Our mom's name is Helen Baxter.
Did paddy ever mention her?
- You're Helen's boys? - Yes!
The twins?
You don't pick your family.
Oh, god!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
I'm going to fucking kill you!
Seanie! Seanie!
Stop it! You two stay right here.
What is happening?
All right, everybody whose last name isn't o'Callaghan,
get in the house.
- Oh, god. - Come on, move.
Oh, god!
Oh, fuck!
All right, settle in.
I'll try to clear this up for you.
Good.
Paddy could not be their father.
How do you know that, Kevin?
Because paddy and their mother never had sex.
What?
I mean, you can't know that for sure.
Paddy thought he was gonna marry your mother.
And despite the sexual climate,
for him, that meant saving it for their wedding night.
Yeah, like Sarah's saving her muff.
Shut the fuck up, Liam. You're no angel.
Shut up, you two.
My brother paddy took this very seriously.
If you don't believe me, ask your mother.
Not now,
you moron!
You said go ask ma.
Sit down.
Jesus Christ! Sit down.
So what happened?
Well, what happened was,
a guy by the name of Walter tinkler.
A veterinarian student from down in New York.
Dr. tinkler? We know him!
The guy who killed chairman meow.
He didn't kill chairman meow.
Well, was chairman meow alive when we dropped him off?
Was he dead when we picked him up?
In my book, that's murder.
Hey. Hey.
It was just a fuckin' cat.
We both loved chairman meow.
I can't believe tinkler's been in our lives this whole time.
You see, this tinkler guy and your mother
had this on-again off-again relationship
apparently since high school.
Paddy was always worried
that she'd wind up going back to him.
Ultimately, she did.
But she did tell my brother she'd always have
a warm spot in the heart for him.
She let him down soft.
But this tinkler guy was the love of her life,
and that she was going to marry him.
Mom got married?
To tinkler?
Last I heard,
she had twins and moved back to Ohio to raise 'em.
What?
So, if their mom hadn't broken our dad's heart,
then the three of us
never been born?
That's one way of looking at it.
Sorry, fellas,
you made me.
You gave me life.
That's not good logic.
That's all I got. I'm stuck with this.
Enjoy your fuckin' life.
Thanks, uncle Kevin.
And you two
are off the hook. Officially.
Yeah.
You were sweatin' it there for a second.
- Yeah. - I was, too. I know I said
it wasn't a big deal effing your sister.
It's a big deal.
- It's a big deal. - It's criminal.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
Looks like we're going home.
What was that?
You honked.
You asshole.
- Hello! - Hello!
I just did...
Hello?
Yup. Heard you the first time.
Sorry.
How can I help you?
We really need to see Dr. tinkler.
- Kind of a family emergency. - Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry. He's with a patient
and doesn't want to be disturbed.
Well, I'm sorry. We didn't want to
grow up without a father.
Yeah.
Could you please disturb him?
Okay, I can't really speak to your experience.
Although, I did get kicked out of a threesome in college
and that was very traumatic.
- No. - Yeah.
- They just kicked you out? - Yes.
They went like this...
In flagrante and then you're gone?
They said I was underperforming.
I thought I was doing great.
Can we just stay focused here?
This is super important.
We have to see the doctor stat,
which is a medical term.
Okay, he has an opening...
Ooh! Thursday.
I'll pencil you in.
- No! - Now!
- Pencil us in now! - Right now! This is urgent.
Please!
Ali, could you bring me butterball's
immunization records, please?
Hello.
Peter.
Kyle.
Walter.
Dad.
- What the... come on. - Get him.
You gotta get down here right away. They're here.
Walter, what are you doing? We're your sons.
Well, you gotta get down here.
Walter is your father?
You said you never wanted children!
I didn't. I don't. Ali, it's complicated.
You know what's complicated?
Dating a man who went to high school with my mother.
You should just open the door.
Second door, sucker.
Pete, I'm in.
Now you're gonna talk.
Kyle, please. Guys, calm down.
Your mother, I think,
really should have this conversation.
Well, that hasn't worked for the last 40 years.
Look. We're not trying to shake you down,
dad, we just wanna...
You sick son of a bitch.
Is this how you butchered chairman meow?
Nobody butchered chairman meow.
It's called putting him down.
It's called death.
Death. Yes.
It comes to us all. Even the kitties.
Enough, all right.
We know you're our father. Why can't you just say it?
We just want some answers.
Ooh. Looky here.
Is this what you do?
You just shoot the cats in the head?
It's a tranquilizer gun. Every vet has one.
Not on my watch.
You're not going to put him down.
- This has to stop. - We're just snipping him.
This cat lives...
Pete, you gotta see this.
Kyle, stay focused.
Oh, my god. Those are huge.
Those are big balls.
Unnerving.
Gotta tip your hat to the little guy.
You're a doctor, is that normal?
No. Yeah. But for a gorilla.
That's beautiful. Well done.
Wow! That's...
He's gone!
We got a runner!
Run, Walter, run!
Where are you going? We know where you live.
Whoa! You shot dad.
Because this ends now.
Walter!
Is he all right? Pete, you're a doctor, look.
- I know. I think he's okay. - Sweetheart, come through.
Give him some water.
Yeah, it's gonna be okay. Right?
Give me your eyes. It's me, Kyle.
Why did you run?
You see how it feels? It doesn't feel good.
Hey, come on.
What the fuck did you do to Walter?
Mom, what are you doing here?
Yeah, what are you doing here?
You just called me! Are you kidding?
I'm sorry. I got shot
by a tranquilizer dart and I'm a little woozy.
It was a whole...
We shot him because he was trying to escape.
What the hell, mom?
I mean, our dad was here the whole time,
you sent us on this wild-goose chase.
Okay. This family has issues.
I didn't think you'd go, okay?
Although, I thought it might be a nice idea
for you guys to go on a road trip together
since you can't stay in the same room
together for two minutes.
We can and we did.
Yeah, we drove halfway around the country
looking for a guy who lives next door to us.
By the way, kind of a bumpy ride.
He didn't live next door.
He actually lived three or four houses down.
No, it's definitely our street.
Over. But I know what you mean.
No, it wasn't. It was the next street.
It was.
Stop it!
Just take a big deep breath, okay?
Please. Sit down.
Sit down.
There's something i have to say.
It was, um...
Okay. It was December 1975, three days before Christmas.
That's... that's our birthday.
Yeah.
I was doing community outreach,
working with women who were in pretty bad situations.
What kind of bad situations?
Really bad, Kyle.
Drugs,
abuse,
destructive may-December relationships
they can't pry themselves away from?
Ali, don't bring your own drum to the concert.
Let Helen talk.
There was one young girl in particular
that I got very close to.
There was something incredibly special about her.
She was six months pregnant.
She went into labor early.
It was dangerously early.
And she had a very, very long and hard delivery.
But, at the end,
she produced two beautiful baby boys.
Your birth mother.
Your mother
didn't survive.
Oh, my god. This just got really sad.
So, with no family on record,
the hospital was required to call social services.
But Helen didn't want to put you into that system
and maybe get split up.
She loved you from the moment she saw you.
So, I started the process of adoption.
Despite my objections.
See, as much as I loved Helen,
I couldn't imagine sacrificing
my future for two tiny strangers. You know?
Kids were never part of my plan.
I'm better with animals, i guess.
Helen, on the other hand, could imagine nothing else.
And I brought you here to westerville to raise you.
What was her name?
Our birth mother.
Jenny.
Jenny who?
I don't know.
The reason why young girls came to us
was because we didn't ask questions.
We weren't certain that that was her real name.
What about our dad?
We never knew.
She wouldn't talk about it.
She just wanted to start a new life for the three of you.
I need to get some air.
- I'll talk to him. - Yeah.
Hey.
Talk to me.
What's going through your head?
Biological mother dies at childbirth?
Which I guess is another way of saying we killed her.
No.
At a certain point, I just gotta say, you're right.
The universe is an asshole.
I think we're a couple of born losers
fulfilling our born loser identity.
I mean, you don't think that's an asshole move?
Fuck the universe!
What do you call that?
I'll Grant you, the universe is a little wily,
a little unpredictable.
But it's pretty fucking amazing
when you consider it also gave us mom.
And mom gave up everything for us.
Where would we be right now without mom?
And I hate to even contemplate this.
We might be running around out there,
not even aware that each other exists.
We're not losers.
We're survivors. Okay?
And that's because of mom.
And because of mom,
we can survive anything the universe throws at us.
I like that.
All right. Good.
Survivors.
That's good.
But the universe is on probation with me, Pete.
Fair enough.
I should've told you as soon as you could understand,
but I didn't,
and it just got harder and harder.
I was so afraid.
Of what?
Of hurting you.
Losing you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No.
So...
I got hit by a train.
You got hit by a train.
I'm gonna miss you.
Well, you get after that fantastic girl of yours
and give her honi for me.
Fuck that! I'm gonna give you a honi.
I don't need a honi. I'm good.
You do need a honi. We all need honis.
- Hey... - Peter.
- I'm giving you a honi. - All right.
You know what they say,
a honi a day...
Blue, 32!
Hut! Hut!
In the end zone.
Yeah! It's a catch!
Great throw, dad.
Damn, you could've been in the NFL.
- Eh. Probably. - Hey, you ready for this?
Probably could've been. Yeah. Hit me. Hit me.
Oh, shit!
Boom! You like that?
Oh, my god. Nice hit.
Come here, you.
Oh, gross, guys.
Come on. Really?
Life is such a crazy ride.
One minute you're on this epic quest with your brother.
The next minute you're getting replaced by a monkey,
about to lose it all.
And the next minute,
you think your brother's been killed
by a speeding locomotive.
And the next minute you think
your brother's having sex with his sister.
But the next minute you're very happy
to find out that she can't be your sister
because her father didn't believe in premarital sex.
I'm not sure they're quite ready
to hear about all your adventures.
You're gonna have to educate those girls
about premarital sex
because we come from a long line of people
with a zest for love making.
Never hold back on love.
You hear that? Never.
But let's not get distracted. Now, where were we?
Yes, one minute, dad's getting replaced by a monkey...
Yeah, but the next minute,
you're inventing an app with your brother
that sends people optimistic messages from the universe.
And then the next minute, you're making $3.99
- every time it's downloaded. - Every single time.
And the next minute,
it's been downloaded a million times.
A million times.
Hi, it's me. The universe.
Remember, life is not a race.
It's the journey that counts.
Okay?
I love you.
By the way, the illuminati is real.