My name is Ash, and I'm a slave.
Close as I can figure it, the year is 1300 A.D...
...and I'm being dragged to my death.
It wasn't always like this.
I had a real life once.
A job.
Ash to price check four.
Hardware, aisle 12.
Shop smart, shop S-mart.
I had a wonderful girlfriend: Linda.
Together, we drove to a small cabin in the mountains.
It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place...
...to translate and study his latest find:
Necronomicon Ex Mortis, the Book of the Dead.
Bound in human flesh and inked in blood...
...this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites...
...funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages.
It was never meant for the world of the living.
The book awoke something dark in the woods.
It took Linda.
And then it came for me.
It got into my hand and it went bad.
So I lopped it off at the wrist.
But that didn't stop it. It came back.
Big time.
Oh, my God!
How do you stop it?
Where in the hell?
Stand fast, hellhound!
No, no... Easy now, chief.
I don't know how I got here... and I'm not looking for any trouble.
What a piece of armor this is!
- Wise man! - Fall back! Back on your horses. Come on!
My Lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon.
He who's prophesied to fall from the heavens...
...and deliver us from the terrors of the Deadites.
What? That buffoon?
Likely... he's one of Henry's men!
Kneel, rapscallions!
I say to the pit with him!
You shall soon learn the horrors of the pit.
- To the pit! - You miserable bast...
- Get him! - Get off of me!
- Let me go! - Chain him!
Ah, you're gonna have a little bit of wee fun, mate.
To the castle!
Pick up your feet! Stop draggin' your feet! Come on!
Move along! Come on, now.
Come on, pick it up. Have a taste of this!
You men got something to look forward to...
...when you get back to the castle.
Lord Arthur approaches! Raise the portcullis!
Lord Arthur! Lord Arthur approaches!
You miserable dogs! Don't drag thy feet!
That's lovely, isn't it? Move it in.
You worthless bastards!
Lord Arthur, where is my brother? Did he not ride with you?
Aye, and fought valiantly.
But last night he fell in battle to Duke Henry's men.
I'm sorry, Sheila.
- Come on. - You cretins!
- Stop it, you bastards! - Come on!
You barbarian!
Oh, no! Stop it! Stop it! Get outta here, you little brats!
Foul thing!
A pox on you, brute! Thou art a murderer!
A black murderer!
My brother's death shall be avenged!
Company, halt!
Get that yoke off him!
Kill them!
Into the pit!
You, sir, are not one of my vassals.
Who are you?
Who wants to know?
I am Henry the Red...
...Duke of Shael, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Well, hello, Mr. Fancy Pants. I got news for you, pal.
You ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit.
And Jack left town.
- Shut your bleedin' hole! - Gentlemen, Lord Arthur!
There is an evil awakened in this land.
And while my people fight for their very souls against it...
...you, Henry the Red, wage war on us!
Charlatan!
It was you who first turned your swords on us!
And this evil has befouled my people as well!
Your people are no better than the foul corruption...
...that lies in the bowels of that pit. - Right, you're no better.
May God have mercy upon your souls.
Into the pit with those bloodthirsty sons of whores!
No!
No! No!
Heavenly God!
He's escaping!
Hold him!
- Who's next? - It's him.
He trembles!
- They don't look so clever now, do they? - He's frightened!
He's frightened white!
Wait a minute.
You gotta understand, man.
I never even saw these assholes before.
- He trembles! - He's begging!
What are you waitin' for?
Henry, you gotta tell him you don't know me.
We never met. Tell him.
I do not think he'll listen, lad.
Look... I'm tellin' you, you got the wrong guy.
I'm tellin' you, you got the wrong guy.
How do you like the pit? Isn't the pit wonderful?
Why, you...
Spikes.
Hey, he says, "spikes". Give him spikes!
Make way!
Strange one!
Yes!
Damn you. Damn you!
You know, your shoelace is untied.
Alright.
Who wants some?
Who's next?
Huh? How 'bout it?
Who wants some? Huh?
Who wants to have a little?
You.
You want some more?
You want a little?
Do ya?
Do ya want some more? Huh?
Now get on those horses and get outta here.
Let 'em go!
Halt!
Thank you, generous hosts!
Sword boy!
For that arrogance, I shall see you dead.
Yeah...
Alright, you primitive screwheads, listen up.
See this?
This... is my boom stick!
It's a 12-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-mart's top of the line.
You can find this in the sporting goods department.
That's right. This sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Retails for about $109.95.
It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger.
That's right. Shop smart, shop S-mart.
- You got that? - Yes, sir. Right.
Now I swear...
...the next one of you primates...
...even touches me...
Now, let's talk about how I get back home.
I prithee to forgive me, my Lord.
I believed thee one of Henry's men.
First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me...
Blow.
So what's the deal? Can you send me back or not?
Only the Necronomicon has the power.
An unholy book which we also require.
Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time.
Only you, The Promised One, can quest for it.
I don't want your book. I don't want your bullshit.
Just send me back to my own time. Pronto, today, chop...
You shall die!
You shall never obtain the Necronomicon!
We shall feast upon your souls!
It's a trick. Get an axe.
Guards, stop it! Catch the witch!
- Death to the witch! Death to! - Have some porridge!
My eyes! I'm blind! Oh, God, I'm blind!
Yo, she-bitch.
Let's go.
If the Necronomicon fell into the hands of the Deadites...
...all mankind will be consumed by this evil.
Now will thou quest for the book?
That one.
Groovy.
What's the matter? You raised in a barn? Shut the door.
Probably was raised in a barn, with all the other primitives.
The wise men say that thou art The Promised One.
'Tis said that thou wilt journey for the book to help us...
...and that thou wilt lead our people against the evil.
The only reason I'm going to get the book is to get home.
- I believe thou wilt be leaving in the morning. - Don't touch that, please!
Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions...
...and things with molecular structures in the...
What are you doin' here anyway?
I wanted to say that all of my hopes and prayers go with you.
And I made this for thee.
Good, I could use a horse blanket.
Gimme some sugar, baby.
Come on, boy!
Steady now. Whoa.
What? What is it?
His path will lead you to an unholy place, a cemetery.
There, the Necronomicon awaits.
When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words:
Klaatu barada nikto.
Klaatu... barada... nikto. Okay.
Well, repeat them.
Klaatu barada nikto.
- Again! - I got it, I got it!
I know your damn words, alright? Now you get this straight, the both of you.
If I get that book, you send me back.
After that, I'm history.
What is it, boy?
Come on!
Come on, you!
Ramming speed!
- Ready. - Aim.
Fire!
Yeah, Baby! Yeah, Baby!
- Hey, don't point that thing my way! - Me either!
- Look out! - Game change, boys!
Shake a leg!
You lousy little...
Oh, hold on!
Yeah! I'm gonna hunt down all you...
You little bastards!
Alright, I'll crush each and every one of you.
I'll crush you to pieces, I'm telling you!
I'll squash you so hard, you'll have to look up to see...
Hey, dumb ass!
Surf's up!
All together now!
Oh shit!
Oops.
Quietly... gently...
Easy, big fella! Easy!
London Bridge is falling down
Falling down
Falling down!
My fair lady!
Hey, is he up? How is he?
Hey, he got up...
What a horrible nightmare...
Wait a minute...
Oh, God!
I can't move!
You got me?
Open wide!
Let's go!
Geronimo!
- Hooray! - Hooray!
Let's go!
Okay, little fella.
How about some hot chocolate, huh?
How'd you like the taste of that, huh? How'd you like the taste?
Oh, dear God, it's growing bigger!
- Hey! What's the big idea takin'? - Hey! What's the big idea takin'?
- Why, you... - Why, you...
Oh, I'm blind! I'm blind!
Where are you takin' me?
Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me!
I've come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee.
What are you?
Are you me?
"What are you? Are you me?"
You sound like a jerk!
- Why are you doing this? - Oh, you wanna know?
'Cause the answers easy:
I'm bad Ash, and you're good Ash.
You're goody little two-shoes.
You're goody little two-shoes, goody little two-shoes.
Little goody two-shoes. Little goody two-shoes.
Little goody two-shoes!
I ain't that good.
Now you see what's what.
A man's body is his own personal property.
Don't let anybody try and take that away from me.
That'll teach you. Yeah, that'll teach you.
You shall never retrieve the Necronomicon!
You'll die in the graveyard before you get it!
Hey... What's that you got on your face?
- See how that works? - I'll come back for you!
I...
Come on, boy!
Come on!
Three books?
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Nobody said anything about three books.
Oh, that stinkin' wise man! He was so busy...
...filling me full of his secret little words, his phrases and his bullshit...
...that he never said anything about this!
What am I supposed to do? Take one book, or all books, or...
...or what?
Well...
Whoa... Wrong book.
Oh, you...
I'll get back to you.
Well...
Seems fairly obvious.
Oh! Wait a minute.
The words. Alright, alright, alright.
Say the words...
Klaatu...
...barada...
...n...
Necktie.
Nectar.
Nickel.
Noodle.
It's an "N" word. It's definitely an "N" word.
It's definitely an "N" word.
Klaatu... barada...
...n...
Okay, then!
That's it.
Hey!
Wait a minute! Everything's cool!
I said the words. I did!
No, wait!
You people, seek cover! To the parapet!
Seek your children!
Steady the horses!
Something's wrong. Something's amiss.
Where'd you go? Where'd you...
I'll crush ya! I'll mash ya into paste, you bony crea...
Keep your damn filthy bones out of my mouth.
I'm through being their garbage boy.
I did my part. Now I want back...
...like in the deal!
I... live...
...again.
There! The Promised One! The Promised One's returned!
Raise the portcullis!
Welcome home!
We're saved!
- The Necronomicon! - Truly he is The Promised One!
- He's brought the Necronomicon! - How are ya?
- He's brought the book! - Yeah, great, great.
- Good boy! - Get the fuck outta my face!
The Necronomicon, quickly. Did you bring the Necronomicon?
- Yeah, it's, it's just that... - Just what?
Nothin'. Here.
Now send me back. Like in the deal.
When you removed the Necronomicon from the cradle...
...did you speak the words?
- Yeah, basically. - Did you speak the exact words?
Look, maybe I didn't say every single, little tiny syllable, no...
...but basically I said 'em, yeah. - Dung-eating fool!
Thou hast doomed us all!
When thou misspoke the words, the army of the dead awoke!
W, whoa, whoa, right there, spinach chin.
You said you could clean this mess up once you got that book.
You said there was a passage that could get rid of this thing and send me back.
It's true, the book still possesses the power to send you back...
...but to us it is useless!
The evil has a terrible hunger for the Necronomicon...
...and it will come here to get it.
We had a deal.
You wanted the damn book, I got it for ya.
I did my part, now you send me back.
Very well. As we are men of our word, we shall honor our bargain.
The wise men shall return you to your own time.
Yeah?
- I thought he was the one. - Yeah, right, 'cause that was the deal.
So when do you think we can start with all the...
...thing and the... - He's nothin' but a traitor, he is!
When do you think we can start... with all the ceremony and...
You know, like...
You know, 'cause... sooner is always better than later, right?
Wretched excuse for a man!
The wise men were fools to trust in you.
- I knew he couldn't be trusted. - We put our trust in him.
I still believe that thou wilt help us.
Oh, Sheila, don't you get it? It's over.
I didn't have what it took.
So long.
You would leave me?
Cripes, I don't belong here.
I got a chance to go back, and I'm takin' it.
But what of the things we've shared?
What of all the sweet words that you spoke in private?
Aw, well...
Well, that's just what we call pillow talk, baby. That's all.
It was more than that.
I still have faith in thee.
I still believe that thou wilt stay and save us.
Coward!
Look there! A demon!
Draw, lads, for Lord and castle!
Let's get out of here!
Ash, help me!
Sheila!
Hold your arms! You'll hit the girl!
Me sword!
Damn you!
Dig, damn you!
Dig faster!
I shall command every worm-infested son-of-a-bitch that ever died in battle!
- You there, handsomely now. - Aye, my liege.
We shall storm their castle and get my book.
Hoist, you damnable varlets!
Welcome back to the land of the living.
Now pick up a shovel and get digging!
Bring on the wench!
Gimme some sugar, baby.
Now, ain't you a sweet little thing?
Don't touch me, you foul thing!
Come on.
That's it.
We got plans for you, girly-girl. Move!
Have you lost your bones, you decomposed gobs? Get thee hence!
A scout approaches!
Hey, get his horse.
Arise.
An army of the dead gather in the wilderness. They approach the castle.
- How far from here? - But two days' ride.
These winged ones are only the first of them.
- Perhaps we should leave as soon as possible. - We could be safe in the mountains.
Yes, yes, the mountains! We must flee!
- It is written, Arthur. It has been foretold. - They'll take our souls.
- I'm afraid! I don't want to die! - They'll swallow our souls.
That's it.
Go ahead and run.
Run home and cry to mama!
Me?
I'm through runnin'!
I say we stay here and fight it out.
Are all men from the future loudmouthed braggarts?
Nope.
Just me, baby. Just me.
How will we fight an army of the dead at our castle walls?
How will you fight that? More words?
Most of our people have already fled. We are but 60 men.
Then we'll get Henry the Red and his men to fight with us.
Now... who's with me?
I'll stand by ya.
You can count on my steel.
- I'll offer up my courage. - Me sword's by his side.
- I'm with you! - I'll bend my bow to your will, sir.
And mine!
- We'll stand by you! - Hail! Hail!
Hail! Hail!
Well, my dear, say hello to the boys.
There's a sight for sore bones.
I may be bad, but I feel... good.
- Who rules? - You, my Lord!
- You, sir! To the castle! - To the castle!
- But the men are afraid! - Has Duke Henry not answered us yet?
Quit your belly-aching!
I know you're scared.
We're all scared.
But that doesn't mean we're cowards.
We can take these Deadites, we can take 'em!
With science.
- Come to it! Come! - Come on, fellas! Push!
Come on! Come on! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!
Okay, in, in!
Yeah!
They're coming! The Deadites approach!
Quickly now, you worthless fools! They'll be on us anon!
- Come on, guys! - Archers to the back!
The moment of truth is almost here. You men better not fail me now.
There's so damned many of them.
I need more men.
Battle stations! Get those rocks up, mister, on the double!
Ready the catapults! By God, let's give 'em what for.
Keep it together!
- And halt! - Company, halt!
Company, halt!
- Looking glass! - Aye, sire.
Once I possess the Necronomicon...
...I shall rule, and you shall be my queen.
My Lord, we are positioned on both fronts.
Fine, fine, fine. Where are they keeping my book?
There, my Lord, beyond the drawbridge in the second wall.
That would be the safest place.
I will not allow anything to keep me from possessing that Necronomicon.
Now, bring me forth into that castle.
- Forward! - Forward!
Cry havoc, and let loose the dogs of war!
To the castle!
Excellent.
Death to the mortals!
Arrows!
Bows!
Load!
Draw!
Torch boy!
Steady.
Fire!
Advance, you demons! Advance
Yeah, baby!
Alright!
- Retreat! Retreat! - Let's get the hell out of here!
Damn him!
The sortie on the second flank will stand.
It must.
Sire, there's a second division approaching from the south.
Ram the gates!
Catapults.
Catapults! South!
Come on, men! Move it! Turn it around!
Right! Heave-ho!
- We'll crush them! - We'll strike again!
Yeah!
Fire!
- Look there! - What the blazes?
- Watch out! - Make way!
Yeah!
Seek cover!
Oh, you miserable bags of bones!
Pick yourselves up and sally for...
Sally f...
Sally forth!
Come on, you miserable hotheads!
Lower!
Heave!
Forward!
Buttress the door, now!
Hold fast!
- Rocks! - Stone these creatures!
Damn you!
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
Go, you cretins! Arrows!
Load! Fire!
We'll ram it down the bastard's throat!
Fire!
South flank, to the western wall! Now!
Where is Henry the Red? I told you he would not come!
Keep your sardine can on, bucket-head!
I said he'll be here, he'll be here!
I think he will not. But know this:
No matter how this battle fares...
...I was wrong to think you a coward.
We've broken through! The castle is ours!
Kill the mortals!
They've breached the first wall! What next?
We are deserted!
Fall back! Man the parapet!
Protect the book!
God save us all.
Up the ladders, lads! To the safety of the parapets!
Say hello to the 21st century. Yeah!
Come on! I got plenty for everybody!
Look out!
- How do you like this? - Play dead!
It's the one in the cart we want. Get him!
Sayonara, sucker!
Why, you...
You can run, but you can't hide!
Sheila.
- We've secured the courtyard, my lord. - Excellent.
Now I will have that book. Storm the walls!
- Ladders! - Come on, you bony devils! Hurry up...
...or I'll send you to the glue factory! Elmer!
To the walls!
I'll slice you to ribbons! No, no! No, no! No! No!
Hey! Look out!
- Hey, you're mine, sweetie. - Get off of her!
Gotcha!
Damn you!
Defend the Necronomicon, lads...
...or perish in the devil's fire!
- My Lord! - Stay with the book.
The book's where we are.
Oops!
Hello friends!
The book is mine!
I'll cut your gizzard out.
Hey! Where'd he go? Hey!
Come to papa!
Get him!
Crazy bitch, get off me!
You're tearing my eyes out!
You witch!
Right.
You found me beautiful once.
Honey, you got real ugly.
There we are.
So you wanna play rough, eh? Okay
Alright, alright.
You're going down!
- I'm goin' up. - I'm comin' for ya.
Come on!
Get him!
- Oops. Excuse me. - Come on.
Alright!
You're pissin' me off, you ugly son of a bitch!
I'll spoil those good looks.
Back-stabber!
Hold still!
Tally-ho!
- We can't hold the battlements! - We will hold!
We must protect the book!
Where's Henry the Red? Why's he not?
We are deserted!
We're overwhelmed!
I got a bone to pick with you.
Come on!
I'll slice your gizzard open!
Now you're mine!
No!
Let go of the sword!
I'll cut your throat out if I get the chance.
I have the book!
I possess the Necronomicon!
I've crushed your pathetic army!
Now I'll have my vengeance!
The Red! The Red! Duke Henry and his men have come!
For king and castle!
Cry havoc!
Blows, blood, and death!
We are saved!
Onward, valiant cousins! Their ranks are broke!
Bloody hell!
You've spoiled my plan for conquest, and now you're going to die!
Buckle up, bonehead, 'cause you're goin' for a ride.
Victory's ours!
- Tricky ones, they are. - If it's a fight you want...
Watch 'em, lads. They're an untrustworthy lot.
If it's a fight they're looking for, they can get it!
Move yourself, lad!
- Your hand, man. Godspeed! - Hey, Henry.
- You had us going. - My Lady.
- Arthur. - Well won, my friend.
We've won the day. Yeah!
We're brothers! And a new kingdom shall be born!
The book tells us that each drop allows a man to sleep for a century.
Swallow six drops, thou shall awaken in thine own time.
Hyah, boy!
God bless you, sire.
Six drops.
One, two, three...
...four...
...five...
Five...
...six.
I'm home
Plastics!
Manufactured products!
Oh God! No!
No! I slept too long!